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Language: en

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This is the Technical Difficulties,
we're playing Citation Needed.

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Joining me today, please welcome,
he reads books y' know, it's Chris Joel.

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Hey up.

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Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan,
Gary Brannan.

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♪ Have you ever seen your granny passing water
down by the old mill stream?

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♪ She pisses for an hour and a quarter
and you can't see her arse for steam ♪

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The bounciest man on the internet, Matt Gray.

8
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Hi!

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This is the final episode and I'm feeling
a bit like a teacher on the last day of school.

10
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But nevertheless,
today we are talking about the sweater curse.

11
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F*** off, that's no way
we're ending this on jumpers.

12
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-The sweater curse?
-The sweater curse.

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Chafing.

14
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Yeah, absolutely, if you're jogging
on the nipples, or so I am told.

15
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Don't jog on anybody's nipples, Gary,
it's very rude, even if they've asked.

16
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"What I do in the comfort my own hotel room,
is none of your business."

17
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This sounds like it's the title
for a Goosebumps book.

18
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Well, the alternate title for this article
is the Curse of the Love Sweater.

19
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-The love sweater.
-That sounds like a different type of novel.

20
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I think I've seen that film,
I paid a few pounds for it,

21
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and well, it happened late at night,

22
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and well, it certainly didn't record properly
as it turned out.

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And you know a lot about my reading habits,
if I'm calling the Goosebump books 'novels'.

24
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So small.

25
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Yeah, one of the great works of literature
is Say Cheese and Die.

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We're talking about a genre of sweaters,
if you like.

27
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-A genre of sweaters.
-A genre.

28
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That may have been slightly too fancy
a term to use.

29
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-A genre?
-Romance, westerns, large print?

30
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Romance, I'm going to give you a point
for romance.

31
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It's… it's, of course, yeah, well, eh?

32
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I like how fast you went from 'I completely
understand that' to 'I have no idea.'

33
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It was like a sliding scale.

34
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It was a gently Buddhist experience,
that, actually.

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In a 2005 poll, 15% of knitters said they had
experienced the sweater curse first hand.

36
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Is it just really hard to knit
a specific type of sweater?

37
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Not, this is not what that's about.
I mean it is,

38
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it's a massive investment to actually
knit a sweater, in time and money.

39
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Has their relationship broken down because
they've spent so much time knitting?

40
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I don't know what my face was pulling there.

41
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It was great, just roll with it.

42
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I think the word
you were looking for is 'climax'.

43
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'Relationship breaking down'
is the key word there.

44
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What might the curse of the love sweater be?

45
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The sweater's only half finished
before the break up happens.

46
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"But I've knitted it for you."

47
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And that's the key, that's the absolute key.

48
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"It's a present."

49
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The belief that if you give a hand-knit sweater
to a significant other,

50
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it will lead to the recipient
breaking up with the knitter.

51
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-Really?
-Wow!

52
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Or the relationship will end
before the sweater is even completed.

53
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You are absolutely right.

54
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Knit small things.

55
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Or have a small significant other.

56
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There are six possible mechanisms here,

57
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but it does say this has not been
studied systematically.

58
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Divorced beheaded died,
divorced beheaded survived.

59
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"Henry, I've made you this swea...
well, you know what, never mind."

60
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You'd have to keep putting new panels in
for his girth, wouldn't you?

61
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Also how does a poncho stay on
when you've been beheaded?

62
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Depends if you try doing cartwheels in it
or not really, doesn't it?

63
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Depends how much stump there is left.

64
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Can I say, at no point in humanity's
awful beheading history

65
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has everyone looked at it and gone,
"Would that work with a poncho?"

66
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Six mechanisms.

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Knit knit knit, knit knit purl,
knit purl knit, knit purl purl, purl purl purl.

68
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That's five.

69
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The other combination, there must be six,
it's three things.

70
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No. These are mechanisms
for why the curse might happen.

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Spent too long knitting
and not enough attention on your lover.

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Yeah, I'll give you a point for that.

73
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The knitter loves their sweater
a little too much,

74
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and pesters the significant other.

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Spends too much time needling them.

308
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Hey!

77
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-No.
-I just realised what the word means...

78
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-No.
-This is why we're finishing this s***!

79
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I don't know, that was a pearler.

80
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Knitting gags, this is what you came for,
isn't it, knitting jokes?

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Stop being crochet-y.

308
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Hey!

83
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This is where I try and drop another one in.

84
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We'll cast you off at that.

284
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Oh!

86
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This is what you want!
Did you hear that?

87
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That was the sound of knitting pun fatigue,
just clunk, just appearing.

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Did you think we knew that much about knitting?

89
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-No.
-No. That's…

90
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But we know words.

91
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So, yes, misdirected attention is one of them.

92
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Well, I suppose it did cost a bit of wool,
might cost, yeah.

93
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Wool costs a lot, if you pick a nice wool.

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Oh, yes, but that's not listed here.

95
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It doesn't fit and they all get all grumpy
because they said they're too fat or too thin.

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I'll, yeah, I'll give you that,
insufficient gratitude.

284
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Oh!

98
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'Why are you knitting me a jumper?

99
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'I look s*** in jumpers and I don't like them,
and I don’t like wool.'

100
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And I don't like you, bye.

101
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You know what, that … yes, aversion.

102
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The significant other
may not want to wear it,

103
00:05:06.440 --> 00:05:11.480
because the sweater looks bad or conveys
overly domestic connotations.

104
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-Oh, like 'Number One Husband' or something.
-Uh-huh.

105
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Or you look like you're wearing a jumper
that's been knitted by your significant other.

232
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Yes.

107
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Yes.
Why would you start that

108
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without saying, "Do you want one?"

109
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That is another problem.

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The person does not actually wear jumpers.

111
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We're leading into something here.

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People naturally break up inside of 18 months
because the endorphins change,

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and the jumper might take too long anyway.

114
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Or if it's a really big jumper
then there's a seven year itch.

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Unlucky timing, yeah,
knitting a sweater takes a long time,

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and the relationship, it says here,
dies of natural causes which...

117
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Why is there not a show like, you know, the …
I don't know...

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The Relationship Coroner, is that what
we're gonna have? I could do that.

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Relationship Coroner!

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We've found our new format, folks.

121
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It's 'cause you're a dick. Next question?

122
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No, that's true of most advice...
like, most advice columnists,

123
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half of their replies are gonna be,
'Break up with them, they’re a dick.'

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That's… that's literally half of their job.

125
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That's like my first law of everything,
which is 'Don't be a knob.'

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We have two mechanisms left,
we've gone through timing, aversion,

127
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misdirected attention, insufficient gratitude.

128
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Is one of the mechanisms a loom or a weaving
machine, what's a weaving machine called?

129
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-A loom.
-A loom.

130
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It is a loom, yeah.

131
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Have they got a loom and is it
taking up an entire room in the house?

132
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Actually that's a fair point, because people
have knitting rooms, don't they,

133
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-where they kind of…
"Eey-aga-dun-dai, aga-dun-dai..."

134
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-I can see you've seen one work before.
-If that doesn't get remixed as a beat,

135
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I will be very surprised.

136
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Dope, put a donk on it.

137
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We have here, 'rescue mission'
as one of the reasons, what might that be?

138
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"The relationship is already dead,
your heartshaped sweater will not save it."

139
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Yeah, basically, yeah.

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Chris Joel, the Relationship Coroner.

141
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The last one is 'catalyst for
analysing the relationship'.

142
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-What...
-"You've dropped a stitch,

143
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"you're always dropping things.

144
00:07:02.280 --> 00:07:04.440
"Can't help but feel you dropped my heart
six months ago."

145
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Chris Joel, Relationship Coroner.

146
00:07:07.760 --> 00:07:09.640
Also, possibly, wrong meeting.

147
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What's… what's the catalyst there?
What's the sweater done?

148
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Are you just staring at someone knitting
and knitting and knitting and knitting,

149
00:07:17.680 --> 00:07:20.880
and thinking to yourself,
what the f*** am I doing here?

150
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That’s close enough, yes.

151
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You have received a gift that has had so much
time and effort put into it, that you go,

152
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'This really isn't a fair trade here,
I'm not really, oh, oh, oh...'

153
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And we could have been doing it
while you knittin'.

154
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-Not while you're knitting.
-Gary Brannan, relationship defibrillator.

155
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The idea would be you…

156
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What's some of the advice given to knitters
to avoid the sweater curse,

157
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other than don't knit a sweater?

158
00:07:46.560 --> 00:07:47.800
Ask permission.

159
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Yes. Yes, involve the person
you're trying to knit a sweater for.

160
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Don't simply go,
"Here's a sweater," out of nowhere.

161
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"Here's a thing I spent three years making,
here, you love it, don't you?"

162
00:07:59.840 --> 00:08:02.520
So the categories on this article,

163
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There is… there is a game here where you try
and guess the article from the categories.

164
00:08:07.360 --> 00:08:13.840
Because here it has curses, knitting,
luck, and clothing controversies.

165
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Oh, we are looking at clothing controversies.

166
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Yes, we are.

167
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God, you're glad you came aren't you?

168
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I guarantee that at least one of these,
I'm going to read the article and go,

169
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about five seconds in,
"Oh no, we're not talking about that."

170
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-I can name one that'll be on the list.
-Yeah.

171
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Lady Gaga's meat dress.

172
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It is not on the list.

173
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Janet Jackson's tit.

174
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Surprisingly not on the list,

175
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but the phrase, 'Wardrobe malfunction' is,
so I'll give you a point.

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Okay, don't Google,
don't look at that one on Wikipedia,

177
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that's got a very revealing photo on it.

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Saves for later.

179
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Alright, clothing controversies
through history, the Dress Act 1746.

180
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Banning of tartan post 1745.

181
00:08:55.600 --> 00:08:58.240
-Yes, you are exactly right.
-"You're banned, get out!"

182
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This is buffalo check, peasant!

183
00:09:09.160 --> 00:09:09.880
T***.

184
00:09:11.880 --> 00:09:16.880
Yes. This was the Act
that made Highland dress illegal in Scotland.

185
00:09:16.880 --> 00:09:20.440
-Yeah, banned the bagpipes and stuff as well.
-What, dressing in the Highland?

186
00:09:20.440 --> 00:09:23.880
Is that why everybody moved to the cities,
at least they could put a t-shirt on?

187
00:09:23.880 --> 00:09:27.400
There's a place on the Isle of Seil
that is known as the Trouser House.

188
00:09:27.400 --> 00:09:28.600
Isn't that just a seal?

189
00:09:28.600 --> 00:09:29.840
-Well, you will, you…
-Arf!

190
00:09:29.840 --> 00:09:33.040
No, you've just got Kiss from a Rose,
kind of always drifting through.

191
00:09:33.040 --> 00:09:36.760
But it's not really an island, it's separated
by a very small amount of water,

192
00:09:36.760 --> 00:09:38.600
-but, so it technically is.
-About a teaspoon.

193
00:09:38.600 --> 00:09:42.240
Pretty much really, and it's called...
it's known as the Trouser House,

194
00:09:42.240 --> 00:09:43.640
because the rumour, the legend has it

195
00:09:43.640 --> 00:09:46.200
that that's the place you would
change from your tartan,

196
00:09:46.200 --> 00:09:49.360
from your kilt into a pair of trousers
because you're going onto the mainland.

197
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It's almost certainly, to use the terms
historians use,

198
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'w***.'

199
00:09:54.040 --> 00:09:58.440
On that note the Hat Act a few years earlier,
1732.

200
00:09:58.440 --> 00:10:01.040
-Hat Act?
-Is that why everyone wears hats in old films,

201
00:10:01.040 --> 00:10:05.160
because a proper gentleman
would wear their bowler or their top?

202
00:10:05.160 --> 00:10:08.200
They wouldn't need a hat though,
wouldn't need an act to do that.

203
00:10:08.200 --> 00:10:11.160
-It's probably banning or…
-Oh, is it … is it when you do the…

204
00:10:13.400 --> 00:10:17.600
No, it's the spinning down the arm thing,
down the back of the neck and all that dealie.

205
00:10:17.600 --> 00:10:20.200
The Hat Act, no,
it is an act of Parliament.

206
00:10:20.760 --> 00:10:23.720
It's limiting the height of stove pipes
in Parliament.

207
00:10:23.720 --> 00:10:26.720
Limiting something,
limiting where the hats are coming from.

208
00:10:26.720 --> 00:10:28.040
-Abroad.
-Below.

209
00:10:28.040 --> 00:10:31.960
Was it to stimulate the British hat industry,
therefore banning the import of the hat?

210
00:10:31.960 --> 00:10:33.360
-From where?
-France.

211
00:10:33.360 --> 00:10:34.600
-No.
-Netherlands.

212
00:10:34.600 --> 00:10:38.640
I'm still giving you a point but it's
a specific area rather than country here.

213
00:10:38.640 --> 00:10:39.680
-The head.
-Is it east?

214
00:10:39.680 --> 00:10:41.400
-Try again.
-The west.

215
00:10:41.400 --> 00:10:43.120
-Which would be?
-America.

216
00:10:43.120 --> 00:10:45.400
-Yes.
-Banning American hats.

217
00:10:45.400 --> 00:10:47.480
Banning colonial hats, yes,

218
00:10:47.480 --> 00:10:49.080
in order to protect
the British hat industry.

219
00:10:49.080 --> 00:10:51.800
They're all baseball caps, they're not stylish.

220
00:10:51.800 --> 00:10:57.800
We're going back further now, 1363,
the Statute Concerning Diet and Apparel.

221
00:10:57.800 --> 00:11:00.800
This is the sumptuary laws, this, because

222
00:11:00.800 --> 00:11:03.280
Strap yourselves in kids, post…

223
00:11:03.280 --> 00:11:05.720
Here we go, we’re on history,
this is a Brannan one.

224
00:11:05.720 --> 00:11:07.880
And this is the period.
Yeah, yeah, get your phones out,

225
00:11:07.880 --> 00:11:09.200
some of you may wish to.

226
00:11:09.200 --> 00:11:11.960
Post Black Death there's a massive boom
in the economy.

227
00:11:11.960 --> 00:11:17.360
You get a massive change in how people dress
because people have more disposable income.

228
00:11:17.360 --> 00:11:18.840
So people's dress is getting out of whack,

229
00:11:18.840 --> 00:11:21.400
the rich people say that the poor people
are dressing too nicely.

230
00:11:21.400 --> 00:11:25.760
So they introduce a law that restricts the kind of
clothes that certain classes of people can wear,

231
00:11:25.760 --> 00:05:17.880
so everyone knows who is who.

232
00:05:17.880 --> 00:05:17.880
Yes.

233
00:11:33.720 --> 00:11:35.000
Thank you.

234
00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:38.600
Alright, so I'm now out of
clothing controversies articles.

235
00:11:38.600 --> 00:11:41.720
So I'm going to continue to pick some at random
and we'll see where we go with this.

236
00:11:41.720 --> 00:11:42.480
Let's do this.

237
00:11:42.480 --> 00:11:46.480
What was the Rational Dress Society,
1881 in London?

238
00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:49.080
-Sensible dress. No frivolity.
-You can't...

239
00:11:49.080 --> 00:11:52.680
Is it that bit from Jurassic Park where
Ian Malcolm's going on about wearing black?

240
00:11:52.680 --> 00:11:55.040
Can you not wear the square root of minus one?

241
00:11:56.200 --> 00:11:57.720
No πs.

242
00:11:57.720 --> 00:12:01.000
That's imaginary, isn't it, not irrational?

243
00:12:01.000 --> 00:12:02.200
-I win!
-S***.

244
00:12:03.480 --> 00:12:06.240
Yeah, I'm not giving you a point for Pi there,
my hand went to the button,

245
00:12:06.240 --> 00:12:08.320
before I realised it wasn't
remotely the question I'd asked.

246
00:12:08.320 --> 00:12:10.520
-No.
-The Rational Dress Society.

247
00:12:10.520 --> 00:12:15.040
They want people to be dressed properly in
all places and not rough or dirty or scruffy like.

248
00:12:15.040 --> 00:12:20.080
It's not so much about the quality of the dress
as more what the dress does to them.

249
00:12:20.080 --> 00:12:22.080
Does it make everyone look uniform?

250
00:12:22.080 --> 00:12:23.360
Is it a uniform?

251
00:12:26.040 --> 00:12:28.040
-Oh yeah.
-That's what uniform means.

252
00:12:28.040 --> 00:12:29.280
Oh yeah.

253
00:12:30.080 --> 00:12:31.960
We all learned something today.

254
00:12:31.960 --> 00:12:33.840
Well at least we did.

255
00:12:33.840 --> 00:12:35.440
Yeah, it taught me a lesson.

256
00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:38.480
The leading members of the society
were Lady Harberton,

257
00:12:38.480 --> 00:12:41.280
Mary Eliza Haweis
, I'm probably mispronouncing that,

258
00:12:41.280 --> 00:12:44.280
and Constance Wilde, the wife of Oscar Wilde.

259
00:12:44.800 --> 00:12:47.960
Now, given we're in 1881 and those are…

260
00:12:47.960 --> 00:12:50.080
Oh, egalitarian standards of dress.

261
00:12:50.080 --> 00:12:52.320
Egalitarian in what sense?

262
00:12:52.320 --> 00:12:54.080
Gender equality.

263
00:12:54.080 --> 00:12:59.880
Yes, I'll give you the point but it's very
specifically something about women's dress then,

264
00:12:59.880 --> 00:13:01.440
that men's dress didn't do.

265
00:13:01.440 --> 00:13:04.040
Oh, is it egalitarian as in like
made out of eagles?

266
00:13:05.480 --> 00:13:10.280
I realise I'm asking three blokes here
who are not from the 1880s but…

267
00:13:10.280 --> 00:13:11.680
Speak for yourself.

268
00:13:12.720 --> 00:13:17.760
Men's dress had certain freedoms
that women's dress didn't back then.

269
00:13:17.760 --> 00:13:19.800
Is it pockets and the ability
to ride a bicycle?

270
00:13:19.800 --> 00:13:21.320
Ooh, I'll give you a point for bicycle

271
00:13:21.320 --> 00:13:25.240
because the Lady Cyclists Association
were very keen on this.

272
00:13:25.240 --> 00:13:28.040
Because ladies were encouraged
to ride side-saddle.

273
00:13:28.040 --> 00:13:30.200
Now imagine how that worked, everybody,

274
00:13:30.200 --> 00:13:33.520
in that they could only kind of
go on one pedal basically,

275
00:13:33.520 --> 00:13:35.240
because skirts.

276
00:13:35.240 --> 00:13:39.720
Is it going back to the big flow-y skirts
and corsetry

277
00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:41.840
and all of that kind of stuff
that they all wore?

278
00:13:41.840 --> 00:13:43.720
What about corsetry?

279
00:13:43.720 --> 00:13:45.080
It was right hurty.

280
00:13:45.080 --> 00:13:50.360
Yes. They were asking for freedom of movement
and absence of pressure.

281
00:13:50.360 --> 00:13:51.760
-Oh!
-I don't blame them.

282
00:13:51.760 --> 00:13:54.160
The last one then in clothing controversies.

283
00:13:54.160 --> 00:04:18.800
What is vanity sizing?

284
00:04:18.800 --> 00:04:20.280
Oh!

285
00:13:57.920 --> 00:14:04.000
Again, I heard all the women in the audience
going 'yeah, we know about this'.

286
00:14:04.000 --> 00:14:06.720
We’ve got three blokes from Yorkshire here,
good luck.

287
00:14:07.280 --> 00:14:10.840
If you can imagine what it would look like
for three monkeys scrapping in a barrel of tar,

288
00:14:10.840 --> 00:14:12.520
this is what it's going to look like right now.

289
00:14:12.520 --> 00:14:17.280
It is where the actual measured dimension
of any given garment of you,

290
00:14:17.280 --> 00:14:20.000
is quite different to the size on the label.

291
00:14:22.920 --> 00:08:24.840
You know how we...
we knew the things about knitting earlier?

292
00:08:24.840 --> 00:14:28.240
-Yeah.
-We might know some things about clothing.

293
00:14:29.400 --> 00:14:31.640
-Gary?
-Yeah, the wife crochets and knits, so...

294
00:14:33.000 --> 00:03:57.920
Lovely. In which case at the end of the show,
congratulations, you all win this one.

308
00:03:57.920 --> 00:04:00.480
Hey!

296
00:14:39.000 --> 00:14:41.000
Cop-out! Cop-out!

297
00:14:41.000 --> 00:14:42.920
I refuse to win.

298
00:14:42.920 --> 00:14:44.760
Fine, Gary and Matt! You win this one.

299
00:14:47.680 --> 00:14:50.000
Well, I think the winner is the audience.

300
00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:50.860
Aww.

301
00:14:50.860 --> 00:14:51.800
Liar!

302
00:14:51.800 --> 00:14:54.520
No, the real winning is in your hearts.

303
00:14:54.520 --> 00:14:55.840
Jesus, f***.

304
00:14:57.280 --> 00:14:58.800
You are a knob.

305
00:14:59.600 --> 00:15:02.480
Congratulations, you win a DVD
of the little known crossover

306
00:15:02.480 --> 00:15:06.440
between a marsupial from Australia
and a Time Lord from Gallifrey.

307
00:15:06.440 --> 00:03:57.920
It's Skippy the Bush Dr Who.

308
00:03:57.920 --> 00:04:00.480
Hey!

309
00:15:10.480 --> 00:15:13.720
With that for the final time we say goodbye to
Chris Joel,

310
00:15:14.520 --> 00:15:16.360
-Gary Brannan.
-I don’t want to go.

311
00:15:16.360 --> 00:15:18.160
-Matt Gray.
-Bye.

312
00:15:18.160 --> 00:15:20.160
I've been Tom Scott, we'll see you around.