WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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This is the Technical Difficulties,
we're playing Citation Needed.

2
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Joining me today, he reads books y'know,
it's Chris Joel.

3
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Hello.

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Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan,
Gary Brannan.

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Well, I'm cock-a-hoop.

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And the bounciest man on the internet,
Matt Gray.

7
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This is a public service announcement.

8
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These public services are closed.

9
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Please use the nearest toilets
on the other side of the concourse.

10
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In front of me I've got an article
from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it.

11
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Every fact they get right is a point
and a ding.

12
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And there's a special prize
for particularly good answers which is...

13
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And today we are talking about
the Battle of Fishguard.

14
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Is a Fishguard a shield?

15
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Yes, they hold it in their little... hands.

16
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Good luck with this one, Gary.

17
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-Oh, s***.
-We have started well.

18
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I meant the battlers, what are they called,
warriors? Let's call them warriors.

19
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Were they warriors holding up fish as shields,
the Fishguard?

20
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What, like a flatfish and then a swordfish
in the other hand?

21
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Oh!

22
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Squelching your way forward and making a…

23
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Now, that's a proper combination.

24
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Yeah, or a pike.

25
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F*** you.

26
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No, is the answer to all of that,
I'll just shut that down immediately.

27
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I'm going to say Wales.

28
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Yes, and have a point.

29
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It's a place?

30
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Yes, yeah, I learnt it in a Beano annual.

31
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I learned it from the shipping forecast.

32
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Well, there we go,
we all have different routes to education(!)

33
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This isn't one, by the way.

34
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Yeah, well you'll say at the end,
"that taught me a lesson."

35
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-Hey!
-Ah.

36
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-Beano annual?
-Well, up yours then.

37
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The Fishguard is as place in Wales
and this is where the battle took place.

38
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No, f***, really?

39
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They named the battle after where it happened,

40
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unlike all the other battle naming conventions,
which were a good 50 miles away.

41
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Just to confuse the future tourists.

42
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Yeah, it's like in World War 2
when they switched the road signs round.

43
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That's a fair point, Battle and actual site of the
Battle of Hastings is debatable for instance.

44
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So yeah, it has been done.

45
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Battle of Waterloo, you can see the remains
in Waterloo Station to this day.

46
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That's true, you wouldn't have thought
they'd have it so close to London, would you?

47
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I know.

48
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It's just a Friday night before Christmas
and everyone's trying to get north, it's just…

49
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That's when Abba fell out.

50
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When you're ready.

51
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Oh, they've turned.

52
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-They've turned, they've turned.
-It's a poor audience.

53
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This was a battle in Fishguard,
who might have been attacking and when?

54
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-Fishermen.
-Actually is it a Cod War?

55
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-I was going to go for trawlermen, yeah.
-Yeah.

56
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Oh no, no, it's a little early for trawlers.

57
00:02:17.720 --> 00:02:19.640
So it wasn’t an uprising,
oh, was it Vikings?

58
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It's a little late for Vikings.

59
00:02:21.360 --> 00:02:25.080
So it's somewhere between
Vikings and the advent of modern fishing.

60
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Where we sit the best.

61
00:02:28.760 --> 00:02:31.560
Well, using my extensive historical knowledge…

62
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I'm bracing myself, carry on.

63
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It's not Victorian.

64
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-What!
-That was the only other time period I know.

65
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I'm going to go 13th century.

66
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No, it's… it's much later,
this was during the War of the First Coalition.

67
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Well, is that...
 political joke incoming,

68
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Is that somewhere around about 2010?

69
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This was 1792 to 1797,
who might Britain have been battling then?

70
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-Virtually everybody.
-Yes.

71
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Tom, does the wheel spin and land,
as it does 50% of the time, on France?

72
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Playing the hits, ladies and gentlemen!

73
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"We are coming for you."

74
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This was an attempt to land
a force of French troops in Britain

75
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to support another invasion.

76
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So they went via Wales?

77
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-No.
-Yes.

78
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-Yes.
-The soft underbelly of England.

79
00:03:22.840 --> 00:03:25.520
So where might have been the
primary attack force headed?

80
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-Ireland?
-Yes.

81
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Oh, hang on.

82
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Because Wales, boat wise,
is on the way to Ireland, isn't it?

83
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Sure!

84
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Well, because if you're boating
from the France bit,

85
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you get to the Wales bit
before you get to the Ireland bit, don't you?

86
00:03:39.760 --> 00:03:41.560
If you're coming the right,
top right bit of France?

294
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Yes.

88
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-He's… he's not wrong.
-It often depends

89
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on which direction you're heading,
I suppose, doesn't it, yeah.

90
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-The top left.
-No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

91
00:03:48.240 --> 00:03:51.160
So what was this invasion force intended to do?

92
00:03:51.160 --> 00:03:52.120
Invade.

93
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That is technically a correct answer.

94
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This was a third attempt at invasion,
why did some of the earlier ones fail?

95
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Far too windy.

96
00:04:01.320 --> 00:04:03.520
Yeah, you're absolutely right.

97
00:04:04.960 --> 00:04:07.440
That's what you get
for having beans on the journey.

98
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"Oh, mais oui, le bilious..."

99
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"Le windy-pop, c'est grande."

100
00:04:13.560 --> 00:04:17.880
So the Wales-bound invasion force,
1400 troops from the Black Legion.

101
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Oh, "la Légion noire"!

102
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Under the command of an Irish American,
Colonel William Tate.

103
00:04:23.880 --> 00:04:25.640
Was it the Black Legion from our side?

104
00:04:25.640 --> 00:04:28.200
No, this is... well, I'm translating,
La Légion noire.

105
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-Sorry, Tate rings a bell.
-It does actually.

106
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Did they… did they invade with art?

107
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Tate.

108
00:04:35.400 --> 00:04:37.800
No, it actually wasn't recent enough
for modern art.

109
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Who clapped?

110
00:04:41.200 --> 00:04:43.440
Just once as well, which...

111
00:04:44.080 --> 00:04:45.680
Thank you. Well, we're going to arrange it

112
00:04:45.680 --> 00:04:48.400
so each person takes a single clap at each joke,
and on average...

113
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Is one clap a greater degree of shade...?

114
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1400 troops invading Wales, essentially.

115
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And did anyone ask the Welsh,
were they alright with this?

116
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It sounds dreadfully rude.

117
00:04:58.880 --> 00:05:04.040
Well, you say that,  there was a bit of
response when 1400 troops arrived.

118
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What were these troops made up of?

119
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Horses?

120
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Cavalry.

121
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No, infantry.

122
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Horses riding men.
That was a real diversionary tactic.

123
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600 were regular soldiers that Napoleon
had not required to conquer Italy.

124
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So the B team?

125
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Yes, 800 were irregulars,
now what does that mean?

126
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Slight factory seconds.

127
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Maybe some chips in the glaze but still useful.

128
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Irregulars are paid mercenaries, aren't they?

129
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Not quite.

130
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Conscripts.

131
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Again, not... not quite, it's more general.

132
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So they're a special force
but not in an SAS kind of way?

133
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Yeah, just in, there's something different
about these folk.

134
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They're special. They're special as in you
wouldn't trust them with anything important?

135
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-Yes.
-Right.

136
00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:49.040
-So we have…
-This is good.

137
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We have the B team and we have the irregulars.

138
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And actually I am going to give you a point
because it includes:

139
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republicans, deserters, convicts
and royalist prisoners.

140
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Nice. Now, at least that last category is probably
not going to be that up for this, would I imagine?

141
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Are they going to choose this
as a running away opportunity?

142
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Yeah, you know what, that's a point.

143
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Discipline broke down
amongst the irregulars on landing.

144
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What a delightful euphemism.

145
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Discipline broke down amongst these prisoners
that we tried to order into doing something.

146
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"And no naughty running away while you're at it,
I want you all here by teatime, you understand?

147
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"You're on your honour."

148
00:06:24.280 --> 00:06:28.920
And yes, they did indeed desert;
where and why might they have deserted?

149
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Because they're being forced to do things
against their will in a foreign nation.

150
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Oh, but very specifically
they went to try and do something.

151
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Cocktail bars.

152
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Did they just want some fish and chips and they
found a place on the map called Fishplace

153
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or whatever it was called?

154
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I mean it wasn't so much they were paying
for the fish and chips.

155
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Did they steal fish and chips?

156
00:06:43.960 --> 00:06:46.880
-They just went looting?
-That is exactly the right word, yes, they…

157
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They're robbers, they'll just go looting!

294
00:03:41.560 --> 00:03:42.600
Yes.

159
00:06:49.560 --> 00:06:51.840
"You mean these people who we've arrested
for stealing,

160
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"we've let them go of their own free will,
are stealing again?"

161
00:06:54.280 --> 00:06:56.120
Let's not forget, we've given them rifles!

162
00:06:57.720 --> 00:06:59.280
The set up for the battle, if you like.

163
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I don't know what, there is probably a formal term
for the armies amassing themselves

164
00:07:03.080 --> 00:07:06.920
It is, it's the armies amassing themselves
and getting ready to fight.

165
00:07:06.920 --> 00:07:09.840
The armies amassed themselves
and got ready to fight.

166
00:07:09.840 --> 00:07:15.840
But that took a little while, so on the French
side they'd sort of taken over a few farmhouses.

167
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What's happening in the British command?

168
00:07:17.960 --> 00:07:19.200
Tea.

169
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A social event is happening.

170
00:07:24.960 --> 00:07:27.040
Oh, that's nice.

171
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A messenger on horseback arrives
to instruct the commanding officer.

172
00:07:31.080 --> 00:07:35.960
And the commanding officer was William Knox,
what was his immediate reaction?

173
00:07:35.960 --> 00:07:37.200
"More brandy!"

174
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Yes!

175
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"We'll fight them in the morning...

176
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"... lunchtime."

177
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The thing is you're about right.

178
00:07:46.560 --> 00:07:47.600
"Wednesday."

179
00:07:49.400 --> 00:07:49.400
-The import…
-"But not about that."

180
00:07:49.400 --> 00:07:50.680
-The import…
-"I'm not done."

181
00:07:51.800 --> 00:07:54.720
"Don't you interrupt an officer of the crown.

182
00:07:55.360 --> 00:07:56.520
"Now you may speak."

183
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The import of this news
was slow to dawn on Knox.

184
00:08:03.720 --> 00:08:05.080
"I don't know what you mean."

185
00:08:05.080 --> 00:08:06.640
His initial reaction was "Really?"

186
00:08:07.440 --> 00:08:10.480
The next title here is Battle Averted.

187
00:08:10.480 --> 00:08:11.360
Ah.

188
00:08:11.360 --> 00:08:12.800
So what happened?

189
00:08:12.800 --> 00:08:14.960
A pint of rum for anybody who switches sides.

190
00:08:14.960 --> 00:08:16.320
Oh, you know what?

191
00:08:16.320 --> 00:08:18.780
Two pints of rum for anybody who switches sides!

192
00:08:18.780 --> 00:08:20.880
Mercy for anybody who switches s...

193
00:08:20.880 --> 00:08:23.160
"Brandy for anybody who switches sides!"

194
00:08:24.280 --> 00:08:27.520
F***ing something for f***ing switching sides
and some people did.

195
00:08:27.520 --> 00:08:29.160
It's... it's not quite switching sides, is wh...

196
00:08:29.160 --> 00:08:34.200
discipline among the recruits had collapsed
once they discovered the local supply of wine.

197
00:08:36.040 --> 00:08:38.000
So they themselves were drunk.

198
00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:40.960
Why might there have been wine in Wales?

199
00:08:40.960 --> 00:08:42.200
-Stolen.
-Medicinal?

200
00:08:42.200 --> 00:08:43.600
Stolen is close.

201
00:08:43.600 --> 00:08:45.360
Stollen. The bready thing.

202
00:08:46.480 --> 00:08:48.880
"This wine is German Christmas bread!

203
00:08:49.960 --> 00:08:51.360
"I'll have none of it."

204
00:08:51.360 --> 00:08:52.880
It was actually Portuguese wine.

205
00:08:52.880 --> 00:08:55.120
-Washed up?
-Yes.

206
00:08:55.120 --> 00:08:57.160
A Portuguese ship had been wrecked,
some wine had come ashore.

207
00:08:57.160 --> 00:08:59.520
-Because they're on the lefty bit.
-Yes, where the boats go.

208
00:08:59.520 --> 00:09:01.480
Where the boats all go.

209
00:09:01.480 --> 00:09:03.800
So Portuguese's version of man o' war
probably sank.

210
00:09:03.800 --> 00:09:06.280
And some bottles had washed up
that were full of probably port.

211
00:09:06.280 --> 00:09:08.040
Well, that's gout-worthy, isn't it?

212
00:09:08.040 --> 00:09:09.760
-You'd know.
-Y.. dammit!

213
00:09:11.080 --> 00:09:13.200
The most painful thing that ever happened,
don't do it.

214
00:09:13.200 --> 00:09:14.960
And I only wish I'd got it through better means.

215
00:09:14.960 --> 00:09:17.840
While the British are marching in,
what's happening with the locals?

216
00:09:17.840 --> 00:09:21.760
Are they rapidly sobering the French up to get
them to actually have this fight they fancied?

217
00:09:21.760 --> 00:09:24.120
Chasing them out in…
with like comedy implements,

218
00:09:24.120 --> 00:09:26.680
like people chasing them out
with rolling pins and s***?

219
00:09:26.680 --> 00:09:27.720
You know what?

315
00:09:27.720 --> 00:09:30.960
Mystery Biscuits.

221
00:09:30.960 --> 00:09:34.800
The French are approaching,
the British under the command of Lord Cawdor,

222
00:09:34.800 --> 00:09:36.240
whose HQ is where?

223
00:09:36.240 --> 00:09:37.240
Mordor.

224
00:09:39.480 --> 00:09:41.120
It doesn't have to rhyme.

225
00:09:41.120 --> 00:09:43.320
"Lord Cawdor of Mordor!"

226
00:09:45.720 --> 00:09:48.280
"Lord Wellington of Hellington."

227
00:09:48.280 --> 00:09:50.400
I mean, no, the local pub, the Royal Oak.

228
00:09:50.400 --> 00:09:52.720
-Really?
-He set up in the pub, that was his HQ,

229
00:09:52.720 --> 00:09:54.080
so he's taken his men from there.

230
00:09:54.080 --> 00:09:56.400
It's a very drunken invasion on both sides, this.

231
00:09:56.400 --> 00:09:59.040
But pubs could be used for official uses,
because they were like a community.

232
00:09:59.040 --> 00:10:02.280
You often had inquests and things
that took place in the local pub.

233
00:10:02.280 --> 00:10:05.560
Obviously not on the top of the bar,
that would be rude, but in an upstairs room.

234
00:10:05.560 --> 00:10:08.120
So suddenly someone kicking the door in
and going, "mine now,"

235
00:10:08.120 --> 00:10:11.320
they were probably quite used to it,
it could be used as courtrooms and things as well.

236
00:10:11.320 --> 00:10:13.280
You'd just go over to the Winchester
and wait for it all to blow over.

237
00:10:13.280 --> 00:10:14.640
Pretty much.

238
00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:18.200
The French realised that the British
had more people than them.

239
00:10:18.680 --> 00:10:21.640
So as the light fails,
they go back to their camps for the night.

240
00:10:21.640 --> 00:10:23.720
The next morning, what happens at the pub?

241
00:10:23.720 --> 00:10:26.520
Well, the British get up and realise that
there's nothing left in the pub

242
00:10:26.520 --> 00:10:30.200
and therefore have to seek out things
like bacon sandwiches, possibly a McDonald's,

243
00:10:30.200 --> 00:10:32.160
something like that,
just to get them over the night before.

244
00:10:32.160 --> 00:10:34.560
-Who comes along to the pub?
-Do the French come along to the pub?

245
00:10:34.560 --> 00:10:38.040
Yes, two French officers turned up,
why would they do that?

246
00:10:38.040 --> 00:10:40.880
They too were in search of bacon sandwiches,
possibly a McDonald's.

247
00:10:41.680 --> 00:10:45.120
Why do you send only two officers
to the opponent's HQ?

248
00:10:45.120 --> 00:10:48.080
Because one of them is a horse,
and has been riding on the back of the man.

249
00:10:49.600 --> 00:10:51.520
He knocks on the door with his hooves.

250
00:10:51.520 --> 00:10:52.920
I'm looking for a specific word here.

251
00:10:53.600 --> 00:10:55.040
Oh my… well, if we start at A.

252
00:10:55.040 --> 00:10:56.680
They're negotiating the terms of…

253
00:10:56.680 --> 00:10:57.400
Surrender!

254
00:10:57.400 --> 00:10:59.960
-Surrender, absolutely, right, thank you,
sarcastic clap...

255
00:10:59.960 --> 00:11:01.960
Yes, I deserve that(!)

256
00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:08.760
Insert French surrender joke here,
cutting room floor, there we go, there we go.

257
00:11:08.760 --> 00:11:12.360
Yeah, they wish to negotiate a conditional
surrender and Lord Cawdor said?

258
00:11:13.920 --> 00:11:17.880
I mean yes, you're right,
that's absolutely...so why did he say that?

259
00:11:17.880 --> 00:11:21.240
Because he hadn't had a fight yet and he'd come
all this way and brought all those things.

260
00:11:21.240 --> 00:11:23.720
And he was hungover and God damn it,
somebody was going to suffer.

261
00:11:23.720 --> 00:11:27.200
And he's been knocked up early in the morning
by these bloody French already.

262
00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:31.720
We're going to deal with them well after one,
he hasn’t got the papers with him or anything.

263
00:11:32.040 --> 00:11:33.680
Does he not have the authority to accept it?

264
00:11:33.680 --> 00:11:35.760
No, he absolutely has
the authority to accept it.

265
00:11:35.760 --> 00:11:36.680
He just didn't want to?

266
00:11:36.680 --> 00:11:41.520
Yes, why might he have done that, why might he
have turned away a conditional surrender,

267
00:11:41.520 --> 00:11:43.960
and insisted that no,
it's got to be unconditional?

268
00:11:43.960 --> 00:11:47.040
Saw an easy career promotion
with a crushing victory.

269
00:11:47.040 --> 00:11:49.160
Oh, crushing victory is interesting.

270
00:11:49.160 --> 00:11:51.160
-I was going to say...
-Crushing loss, I don't know.

271
00:11:51.520 --> 00:11:55.880
A sly glance. An impropriety at
a society party. I don't f***ing know.

272
00:11:55.880 --> 00:12:00.640
No, he... he was saying we can get
a crushing victory, essentially, to them.

273
00:12:00.640 --> 00:12:03.040
Was he getting a bonus if he won?

274
00:12:03.040 --> 00:12:08.200
No, he was bluffing, he was flat out bluffing
that he had more people and more on the way,

275
00:12:08.200 --> 00:12:12.320
and, 'If you don't surrender you will all die,
there are no conditions on this.'

276
00:12:12.320 --> 00:12:17.040
"You can't come into the pub because it's
full of men, full of them you hear, full of them.

277
00:12:17.040 --> 00:12:18.920
"Well, no you can't, you simply can't
come through the door.

278
00:12:18.920 --> 00:12:21.720
"I can't accept your surrender,
there's far too many of us, bye.

279
00:12:21.720 --> 00:12:22.800
"Well, lads."

280
00:12:22.800 --> 00:12:24.520
And so there is some speculation here,

281
00:12:24.520 --> 00:12:28.440
that he got a little bit of help from some people
looking on from the cliffs.

282
00:12:30.240 --> 00:12:32.720
So what did the French see on the cliffs?

283
00:12:32.720 --> 00:12:34.000
People?

284
00:12:34.560 --> 00:12:35.920
Turn of the 18th century,

285
00:12:36.320 --> 00:12:39.960
does anyone know what
a traditional Welsh costume looks like for women?

286
00:12:39.960 --> 00:12:43.960
Yes, the pointy hat and the little apron
and they tie it under your thing,

287
00:12:43.960 --> 00:12:46.920
and then, yeah, yeah, like that,
you look like a little Welshwoman,

288
00:12:46.920 --> 00:12:49.600
on all the spoons that they sell
at the seaside resorts.

289
00:12:49.600 --> 00:12:52.120
They sell spoons, alright,
they have Welsh ladies on them.

290
00:12:52.120 --> 00:12:56.080
I'll give you the point,
it's a top hat and a red dress.

291
00:12:56.080 --> 00:12:56.880
Yeah.

292
00:12:56.880 --> 00:12:59.240
Now, if you're looking at someone far away
on the top of a cliff…

293
00:12:59.240 --> 00:03:41.560
Oh s***, he didn't think he'd seen
more soldiers, did he?

294
00:03:41.560 --> 00:03:42.600
Yes.

295
00:13:03.840 --> 00:13:06.880
Because they had a shako
and the red coat,

296
00:13:06.880 --> 00:13:12.520
so he's confused a bunch of watching Welshwomen
for a force of infantry, is what you're saying?

297
00:13:12.520 --> 00:13:15.800
That is the speculation,
that he looked up at the top of the cliffs,

298
00:13:15.800 --> 00:13:18.920
and thought, 'There's a lot of people up there,

299
00:13:18.920 --> 00:13:20.280
'and they look like soldiers.'

300
00:13:20.280 --> 00:13:24.480
One, invent glasses, two, whatever happens
in your life, whatever it is,

301
00:13:24.480 --> 00:13:26.360
you're never going to be the man

302
00:13:26.360 --> 00:13:30.320
who confused a load of Welshwomen
in traditional dress for backup.

303
00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:33.320
So what do the French do?

304
00:13:33.320 --> 00:13:34.280
Run away.

305
00:13:34.280 --> 00:13:36.720
Unconditional surrender, yes,
I'll give you the point.

306
00:13:36.720 --> 00:13:40.160
The French surrender, the British accept it,

307
00:13:40.160 --> 00:13:42.040
Tate is imprisoned briefly,

308
00:13:42.040 --> 00:13:44.600
and then returns to France
along with most of the force.

309
00:13:44.600 --> 00:13:48.720
There is something about this invasion though,

310
00:13:49.040 --> 00:13:51.880
there is something; 1797, this was.

311
00:13:52.240 --> 00:13:56.080
And there's something special about it,
something that is marked out every time,

312
00:13:56.080 --> 00:13:59.880
on every little…
on every little memorial plaque about this,

313
00:13:59.880 --> 00:14:03.880
there is something about the invasion
of mainland Britain in 1797.

314
00:14:03.880 --> 00:09:27.720
That will be the last invasion
of mainland Britain.

315
00:09:27.720 --> 00:09:30.960
Mystery Biscuits.

316
00:14:10.680 --> 00:14:15.400
Unlike - going back to the start of this,
so it's not thrown together - 1066,

317
00:14:15.400 --> 00:14:17.120
which is what everyone else thinks it is.

318
00:14:17.120 --> 00:14:19.680
Yes, you are absolutely right.

319
00:14:23.840 --> 00:14:27.680
The Battle of Fishguard was the most recent
landing on mainland Britain

320
00:14:27.680 --> 00:14:29.760
by a hostile foreign force.

321
00:14:29.760 --> 00:14:30.760
As we record this...

322
00:14:32.920 --> 00:14:34.800
-And on that note...
-Wow.

323
00:14:35.920 --> 00:14:37.920
congratulations,
Gary, you win the show.

324
00:14:41.920 --> 00:14:46.400
You have won a device to help cool the lower
jaws of South American rodents.

325
00:14:48.080 --> 00:14:49.600
It's a chinchilla chin chiller.

326
00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:54.200
So with that we say thank you to Chris Joel.

327
00:14:54.200 --> 00:14:55.560
Thank you.

328
00:14:56.440 --> 00:14:57.680
To Gary Brannan,

329
00:14:58.560 --> 00:14:59.560
to Matt Gray.

330
00:15:00.280 --> 00:15:02.120
I've been Tom Scott,
and we'll see you next time.