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Language: en

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This is The Technical Difficulties,
we're playing Citation Needed.

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Joining me today, he reads books y'know,
it’s Chris Joel.

3
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Now then.

4
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Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan,
Gary Brannan.

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It’s me!

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AUDIENCE: Hurray!

7
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Oh, I see, I see!

8
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- You get the warm-up time.
- Wow.

9
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Did you set up that up while we were outside
waiting for you?

10
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Yes, I did.

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And standing in for Matt Gray, please welcome
stand-up mathematician, Matt Parker.

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00:00:26.810 --> 00:00:28.180
Pleasure to be your replace-Matt.

13
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In front of me I’ve got an article from Wikipedia
and these folks can’t see it.

14
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Every fact they get right is a point
and a ding,

15
00:00:37.680 --> 00:00:39.930
and there's a special prize for particularly
good answers which is...

16
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What did you do?

17
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Whacked my funny bone on my chair.

18
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- Oh!
- That is pretty funny.

19
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And today…!

20
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That’s the right hand, he needs that one(!)

21
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Come Matt, fill in for the classy panel show,
it'll be great(!)

22
00:00:57.080 --> 00:01:00.240
And today we are talking about Turra Coo.

23
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I don’t know, Turrack who…?

24
00:01:01.980 --> 00:01:04.760
Y'know, I figured out at least know what the
words you’re saying are.

25
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Well, the language is Doric.

26
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Okay, Aberdeen.

27
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Oh he’s right. Straight off.

28
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Oh, thank you.

29
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Aberdeenshire, North East Scotland.

30
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It’s a particular dialect.

31
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Yes, you are absolutely right,
near the Aberdeenshire town of Turriff.

32
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And Turra is Turriff.

173
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Okay.

34
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What might Coo be?

35
00:01:21.100 --> 00:01:22.140
PIGEONS.

36
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Is it one of those cattle that's in fields?

37
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- Oh yeah, Coo!
- A Highland Coo.

38
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- He’s absolutely right.
- What?!

39
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I just... how does... wow.

40
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Right! Bye, everybody.

41
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I’m just working out if they had a big enough
population for a hostile takeover.

42
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That is incredible.

43
00:01:38.920 --> 00:01:40.070
No, you’re absolutely right.

44
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The Turra Coo is Doric for the Turriff cow.

45
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Were you not expecting that to be
the right answer?

46
00:01:44.640 --> 00:01:48.120
No! That was supposed to be a “joke”.

47
00:01:48.120 --> 00:01:50.500
You were just making a cheap joke at the expense
of the Scots dialect.

48
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- I was.
- You’re absolutely right.

49
00:01:52.220 --> 00:01:57.220
I know somewhere between, like, a non-zero
amount of things about a lot of things

50
00:01:57.220 --> 00:01:59.720
and a niche dairy cow…

51
00:01:59.720 --> 00:02:02.490
I'm like, okay, I’m out.

52
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Mate, welcome to my world.

53
00:02:04.770 --> 00:02:06.960
The cow became famous.

54
00:02:06.960 --> 00:02:08.200
Britain’s Got Talent!

55
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Did it juggle?

56
00:02:10.560 --> 00:02:12.620
How, it’s got four legs and no arms?

57
00:02:12.620 --> 00:02:14.140
It lies on its back and does that.

58
00:02:14.140 --> 00:02:16.360
I was going to go,
it was sat on an office chair.

59
00:02:17.540 --> 00:02:18.940
Or any other chair could do.

60
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It just so happened its act
was on an office chair.

61
00:02:21.180 --> 00:02:22.720
Well, that means you can
slide it onto the stage.

347
00:02:22.720 --> 00:02:23.720
Exactly.

63
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'Cos it can’t propel itself because its
little legs are stuck out forwards.

64
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Oh, you think I’m being ridiculous, but
actually I’ve just produced

65
00:02:28.520 --> 00:02:30.440
a very good way of
transporting a cow sat down.

66
00:02:31.940 --> 00:02:33.720
At last(!)

67
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I like the idea that there would be notation
for a cow juggling with four limbs.

68
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There would.

69
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I’m sure you could.

70
00:02:39.080 --> 00:02:41.480
Well somebody’s written the patterns
’cos it…

71
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“Boring juggler information!”

72
00:02:43.520 --> 00:02:45.220
Brace yourselves, here it comes.

73
00:02:45.220 --> 00:02:46.960
Well, that’s how Gandini patterns work.

74
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That’s effectively one...

75
00:02:48.430 --> 00:02:51.069
There’s two people using four arms to juggle
one pattern.

76
00:02:51.069 --> 00:02:53.700
And the siteswap notation,
they mathematically predicted

77
00:02:53.700 --> 00:02:56.690
new juggling tricks that had never been
juggled before

78
00:02:56.690 --> 00:02:59.360
because the maths worked out and then
they're like, “oh it worked, my goodness!”

79
00:02:59.360 --> 00:03:02.790
And so, mathematically you can
predict ways to juggle

80
00:03:02.790 --> 00:03:06.000
without ever having to bother to learn or
pick the balls up, it’s great(!)

81
00:03:08.580 --> 00:03:10.400
Biscuit that man.

82
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So, Turra Coo...!

83
00:03:13.870 --> 00:03:14.870
Yeah.

84
00:03:14.870 --> 00:03:17.959
The juggling cow of Britain’s Got Talent,
we’ve already established this.

85
00:03:17.960 --> 00:03:20.700
This was definitely before
Britain’s Got Talent. It is...

86
00:03:20.700 --> 00:03:21.780
Oh, X Factor.

87
00:03:21.780 --> 00:03:22.900
PT Barnum.

88
00:03:23.590 --> 00:03:24.700
Pop Idol.

89
00:03:24.700 --> 00:03:27.930
Opportunity Knocks for the students in the
audience, yeah.

90
00:03:27.930 --> 00:03:32.210
You’re certainly closer, this was Aberdeenshire.

91
00:03:32.210 --> 00:03:36.340
This was under a Liberal government,
and liberal with a capital L there.

92
00:03:36.360 --> 00:03:40.760
Okay, so that is pre-David Lloyd George, probably,

93
00:03:40.770 --> 00:03:43.250
are we talking Liberal Whig territory here?

94
00:03:43.250 --> 00:03:45.280
It was actually, I’m going to give you the
point because you gave the name.

95
00:03:45.280 --> 00:03:46.280
David Lloyd George.

96
00:03:46.280 --> 00:03:49.020
It was David Lloyd George as
Chancellor of the Exchequer.

97
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Oh my God, that’s... 1911!

98
00:03:51.120 --> 00:03:54.540
Yeah, you’re absolutely right,
have a point again.

99
00:03:54.540 --> 00:03:57.480
I have it down here as the 1910s, but that’s…

100
00:03:57.480 --> 00:04:00.040
Specific referencing(!)

101
00:04:00.040 --> 00:04:02.380
What did he bring in?

102
00:04:02.380 --> 00:04:06.160
Er. Finance and Valuation Act.

103
00:04:06.160 --> 00:04:09.620
Erm, pensions.

104
00:04:09.630 --> 00:04:12.550
And Unemployment Benefit.

105
00:04:12.550 --> 00:04:13.560
The Parliament Act.

106
00:04:13.560 --> 00:04:14.959
Have I missed them all?

107
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The first cow that could retire
with a safe pension(!)

108
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I’m going to give Gary the point.

109
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It was National Insurance contributions.

110
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What, for cows?

111
00:04:24.240 --> 00:04:25.340
Yeah!

112
00:04:25.340 --> 00:04:26.560
Er, no, it w...

113
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Three squirts for you, one for the taxman.

114
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For all workers between 16 and 70.

115
00:04:32.139 --> 00:04:33.969
So it was the National Insurance Act.

116
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Yes, okay.

117
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And the farmers local to Turriff were not
happy about this.

118
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Because they would have pay their employees
National Insurance stamps.

119
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The contributions were too high,
yes, absolutely right.

120
00:04:43.259 --> 00:04:47.680
And it was unfair for them to pay for something
they were unlikely to use.

121
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Unlikely?

122
00:04:48.680 --> 00:04:50.389
They’re very likely, they’re all going
to get to…

123
00:04:50.389 --> 00:04:52.140
Well, they might not get to pensionable age
actually.

124
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No, Coo-beasties kill 'em.

125
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Immortal dairy workers.

126
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Less in mortal peril than some other people
in that era.

127
00:05:00.569 --> 00:05:02.720
Who might have been more at risk?

128
00:05:02.720 --> 00:05:03.720
At risk?

129
00:05:03.720 --> 00:05:05.840
People working in the dairy mines.

130
00:05:05.840 --> 00:05:09.520
Yeah, the big cream seams,
they took a lot of lives.

131
00:05:09.520 --> 00:05:10.680
Yes, rich seam of...

132
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Rich seam of squirty that comes out.

133
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More they're drilling, and it's like:
“we’ve struck cream!”

134
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“We’ve got a gusher!”

135
00:05:20.490 --> 00:05:22.009
Face is white, takes the glasses off.

136
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“Oh, we’re safe now.”

137
00:05:23.300 --> 00:05:26.210
The thing is, apart from the word dairy in
there you’re absolutely right,

138
00:05:26.210 --> 00:05:27.210
so I’m giving you the point.

139
00:05:27.260 --> 00:05:30.300
It was people that would work in the mines
and in industry.

140
00:05:30.300 --> 00:05:35.760
So there were protests, and what did one particular
farmer refuse to do?

141
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And no doubt it involves this cow.

142
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No, not yet. The cow has not yet got involved.

143
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It will later involve this cow.

144
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It will later involve this cow, but I’m
not giving you a point for that ’cos that’s

145
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bloody obvious.

146
00:05:45.300 --> 00:05:47.180
Did they march somewhere?

147
00:05:47.180 --> 00:05:50.900
That was happening, but we’re looking at
what one specific person was doing,

148
00:05:50.909 --> 00:05:52.060
as civil disobedience.

149
00:05:52.060 --> 00:05:54.460
And it can’t just be… he wasn’t just
refusing to make the payments,

150
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so it must be something creative.

151
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It was stamping the insurance cards.

152
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It was doing the paperwork
required for that time.

153
00:06:01.440 --> 00:06:03.700
That maybe the most boring answer
to a quiz question.

154
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I realise that but we need
to get through this.

155
00:06:05.550 --> 00:06:07.979
That’s how we resist in this country.

156
00:06:07.979 --> 00:06:12.520
Stuck his quill in the farmyard,
and wrote it on with that.

157
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Oh...

158
00:06:13.520 --> 00:06:15.520
Was it a poo-related protest,
are we headed there?

159
00:06:15.520 --> 00:06:19.139
No it wasn’t, it was literally he just refused
to do this,

160
00:06:19.139 --> 00:06:25.219
so he was charged, he was sentenced to pay
£15 plus the arrears which, in…

161
00:06:25.219 --> 00:06:26.840
That’s not a small amount of money,

162
00:06:26.840 --> 00:06:29.740
that’s probably a couple of hundred quid
actually in today’s terms, I would have thought.

163
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Did the debt collector take his cow?

164
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Ah!

165
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Sheriff’s Officer George Keith turned up,
as a bailiff essentially,

166
00:06:39.689 --> 00:06:43.360
and looked around for property that could
be seized.

167
00:06:43.360 --> 00:06:45.640
And went, “this cow’s in a chair already”.

168
00:06:45.640 --> 00:06:48.939
“I can just wheel it
straight out of the farmyard.”

169
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In the barn, juggling,
it’s dead easy to see, yeah.

170
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That cow’s worth a lot.
Future earnings alone…

171
00:06:54.860 --> 00:06:57.259
This is getting a bit Jack-and-the-Beanstalk
so far, I’m going to be honest.

172
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It is a bit, the Sheriff seized the cow.

173
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Okay.

174
00:07:00.720 --> 00:07:03.039
The trouble is:
now the government owns a cow.

175
00:07:04.240 --> 00:07:06.080
Wait, we’ve got the National Cow!

176
00:07:07.000 --> 00:07:08.500
It was set to be sold.

177
00:07:08.500 --> 00:07:09.580
Yes.

178
00:07:09.580 --> 00:07:11.249
What’s the slight problem with that?

179
00:07:11.249 --> 00:07:12.779
Oh, no bugger'd buy it!

180
00:07:12.779 --> 00:07:13.779
Absolutely right.

181
00:07:13.779 --> 00:07:14.779
Oh boy.

182
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Not only that. No local mart, no local
agricultural mart, would handle the sale.

183
00:07:22.520 --> 00:07:25.020
So now the government still has a cow.

184
00:07:26.500 --> 00:07:28.380
Who is no doubt hungry…

185
00:07:28.380 --> 00:07:30.960
Can I just ask,
is it a boy cow or a girl cow?

186
00:07:30.960 --> 00:07:32.319
- It’s a girl cow.
- Okay, thank you.

187
00:07:32.320 --> 00:07:34.520
I believe there’s technically
a term for that.

188
00:07:34.520 --> 00:07:36.800
Yes, it’s "cow".

189
00:07:46.760 --> 00:07:50.100
I only know that because I’ve made that
same mistake myself.

190
00:07:50.860 --> 00:07:55.120
The citizens found the cow
tied in the village square

191
00:07:55.120 --> 00:07:59.180
and decorated with a slogan,
“Lendrum to Leeks.”

192
00:07:59.189 --> 00:08:00.740
Lendrum is where they were.

193
00:08:00.740 --> 00:08:04.000
Why that might
have been the slogan?

194
00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:07.270
It’s making a reference to someone.

195
00:08:07.270 --> 00:08:08.270
To Lloyd George?

196
00:08:08.270 --> 00:08:09.270
Why would that be?

197
00:08:09.270 --> 00:08:10.270
Oh, he’s Welsh.

198
00:08:10.270 --> 00:08:11.289
There’s the point, yes.

199
00:08:11.289 --> 00:08:12.289
Yes, yes, yes.

200
00:08:12.289 --> 00:08:15.259
That’s a nice bit of stereotyping I just
sauntered into there, isn’t it?

201
00:08:15.260 --> 00:08:19.420
Well, this was being done by the Sheriff,
as the victor.

202
00:08:19.420 --> 00:08:22.550
This is: we have taken your cow,
we are tying it in the square,

203
00:08:22.550 --> 00:08:26.069
we can’t sell it
but it’s not your cow anymore.

204
00:08:26.069 --> 00:08:28.100
What was the response to this?

205
00:08:28.100 --> 00:08:29.320
Barbecue!

206
00:08:29.320 --> 00:08:31.830
No, they liked the cow,
they wanted to keep the cow.

207
00:08:31.830 --> 00:08:33.620
You can like it, and it be delicious.

208
00:08:33.620 --> 00:08:34.980
Fair point.

209
00:08:34.980 --> 00:08:37.640
Those are not even close
to being mutually exclusive.

210
00:08:37.640 --> 00:08:39.659
They brought in loads of other identical cows.

211
00:08:39.659 --> 00:08:42.349
They're like, “you’ll never tell which
one it is now!”

212
00:08:42.349 --> 00:08:43.349
Oh, that’s cunning.

213
00:08:43.349 --> 00:08:47.079
And painted them one, three, and four, so
everyone looked for number two.

214
00:08:47.080 --> 00:08:50.100
Did they put giant hats over them and do like
a three-cow Monte?

215
00:08:51.320 --> 00:08:52.940
Get-- mmf-- in---!

216
00:08:52.940 --> 00:08:54.690
Which one is the cow in?

217
00:08:54.690 --> 00:08:57.279
Well, like, it’s not a difficult…

218
00:08:57.279 --> 00:08:59.029
“Under one of these cups...”

219
00:08:59.029 --> 00:09:01.880
One of them is about six-foot off the ground.

220
00:09:01.880 --> 00:09:04.480
And it's walking that way…

221
00:09:05.660 --> 00:09:08.720
I’m going to Vegas and doing that,
I’ll make my fortune, I know I will.

222
00:09:09.850 --> 00:09:12.460
There was a near-riot, is the answer.

223
00:09:12.460 --> 00:09:17.720
There was a 100-strong mob pelting the 
Sheriff’s officers with rotten fruit and soot.

224
00:09:17.720 --> 00:09:19.810
We don’t do that these days, do we?

225
00:09:19.810 --> 00:09:21.899
We don’t get riled up over minor issues
to the same extent.

226
00:09:21.899 --> 00:09:24.480
It’s also very hard to get soot and
fresh vegetables these days.

227
00:09:24.480 --> 00:09:28.040
That’s a fact, you’re not going to pay through
the nose at Waitrose for those, are you,

228
00:09:28.040 --> 00:09:29.300
if you’re just going to lob them at someone?

229
00:09:29.300 --> 00:09:32.440
You know, the best you can do is, like,
Amazon one hour delivery,

230
00:09:32.440 --> 00:09:36.060
and even then the Sheriff’s probably
cottoned on and legged it.

231
00:09:36.060 --> 00:09:38.140
There’s an outlet for them, Amazon Protest!

232
00:09:38.140 --> 00:09:39.580
They can supply you with…

233
00:09:39.580 --> 00:09:41.600
Brilliant! Anything that goes out of date.

234
00:09:41.600 --> 00:09:43.640
Send it for flinging!

235
00:09:43.640 --> 00:09:45.440
Bags of soot…

236
00:09:45.440 --> 00:09:47.120
And it could be good because
instead of a real brick,

237
00:09:47.120 --> 00:09:48.710
they could send you one of those rubber ones,

238
00:09:48.710 --> 00:09:50.410
so you make the same point
but no one gets hurt.

239
00:09:50.410 --> 00:09:54.500
But you can still do the same thing,
you put someone else’s address in,

240
00:09:54.500 --> 00:09:56.940
and under delivery instructions say
“please throw through window”.

241
00:09:56.940 --> 00:09:58.660
Oh, yes!

242
00:10:01.900 --> 00:10:05.600
I can’t help but feel this is drifting towards
Amazon drones, to a drone-strike joke.

243
00:10:07.280 --> 00:10:09.520
A drone general strike!

244
00:10:11.780 --> 00:10:14.540
Like three people got that Gary, and that
was a really good gag.

245
00:10:14.540 --> 00:10:15.940
It’s a constituency, thank you.

246
00:10:15.940 --> 00:10:19.140
You can do that. You can send people bees,
can’t you, in the post?

247
00:10:20.400 --> 00:10:22.240
You can send ants, definitely.

248
00:10:22.240 --> 00:10:23.920
I mean, I’ve heard.

249
00:10:25.160 --> 00:10:26.940
I’m not opening that package now, man.

250
00:10:26.940 --> 00:10:28.040
- And ladybirds.
- Instructions:

251
00:10:28.040 --> 00:10:31.560
“If I’m not home, through the letterbox,
one at a time, please.”

252
00:10:31.569 --> 00:10:32.970
In individual packaging.

253
00:10:32.970 --> 00:10:36.710
Well, once you’ve sent the first one through
the others will probably follow it.

254
00:10:36.710 --> 00:10:40.329
Well, Lloyd George was subject to a lot of
protests anyway, it won’t be over this.

255
00:10:40.329 --> 00:10:44.100
I think it’s over women’s suffrage, but they 
planted a bomb outside his house at one point.

256
00:10:44.100 --> 00:10:47.000
And my favourite one is they cut his braces.

257
00:10:47.000 --> 00:10:50.580
A lady came up behind, snapped his braces
and his trousers fell down.

258
00:10:51.760 --> 00:10:56.240
For the non-UK audience, that’s like suspenders,
the things that hold your trousers up.

259
00:10:56.250 --> 00:10:57.610
It's not like the things on his teeth.

260
00:10:57.610 --> 00:10:59.060
Get someone with wire cutters, “pa-twing”!

261
00:11:00.320 --> 00:11:02.080
Oh no, snaggle-toothed again!

262
00:11:02.089 --> 00:11:06.449
And for someone in the UK, Lloyd George had
enough scandal around him not to say 'suspenders'.

263
00:11:06.449 --> 00:11:09.040
Yes, that’s true.

264
00:11:09.040 --> 00:11:11.649
So amidst the melee, there is a cow…

265
00:11:11.649 --> 00:11:12.690
Love it.

266
00:11:12.690 --> 00:11:14.250
That’s probably winning.

267
00:11:14.250 --> 00:11:16.000
...with a slogan painted on the side.

268
00:11:16.000 --> 00:11:20.150
There are the Sheriff’s officers and now
an angry, rioting mob.

269
00:11:20.150 --> 00:11:21.150
What happens during this?

270
00:11:21.150 --> 00:11:23.820
I’m reckoning the cow is used in some way
as part of the mob,

271
00:11:23.820 --> 00:11:25.880
maybe to head it off, or a battering ram.

272
00:11:25.880 --> 00:11:27.100
Oh, that would be a sheep though.

273
00:11:30.400 --> 00:11:31.560
No, the cow escapes.

274
00:11:31.560 --> 00:11:33.480
- Yay!
- Oh, fantastic.

275
00:11:33.480 --> 00:11:34.860
The cow makes a bid for freedom, and is…

276
00:11:34.870 --> 00:11:35.870
This is what they want.

277
00:11:35.870 --> 00:11:39.160
It’s just gone from that edge of
organised protest to Benny Hill.

278
00:11:39.160 --> 00:11:40.740
Yes!

279
00:11:40.740 --> 00:11:43.860
The cow was later found in a nearby barn.

280
00:11:43.860 --> 00:11:48.610
Eight farm workers were put on trial in Aberdeen
for disorderly conduct.

281
00:11:48.610 --> 00:11:49.610
Nice charge.

282
00:11:49.610 --> 00:11:51.879
All the people put on trial were acquitted,
why?

283
00:11:51.880 --> 00:11:53.620
What was the verdict they were given?

284
00:11:53.620 --> 00:11:55.500
“Ultimate LOLs”.

285
00:11:56.700 --> 00:11:58.649
That is not a valid Scots verdict.

286
00:11:58.649 --> 00:11:59.880
But something else is.

287
00:11:59.880 --> 00:12:01.080
“Top bants”?

288
00:12:02.600 --> 00:12:05.800
There is a verdict in Scotland that there
is not in England and Wales.

289
00:12:05.800 --> 00:12:10.459
It must be some kind of... you’re allowed
to protest provided you use enough soot?

290
00:12:10.459 --> 00:12:13.220
No, we’re talking verdict here.

291
00:12:13.220 --> 00:12:14.879
There is guilty, there is not guilty,

292
00:12:14.879 --> 00:12:16.602
and there is something else in Scotland.

293
00:12:16.602 --> 00:12:18.779
Is there not proven, or something like that?

294
00:12:18.779 --> 00:12:20.939
Yes, you’re absolutely right.

295
00:12:20.939 --> 00:12:22.740
Scots Law has a verdict of not proven.

296
00:12:22.740 --> 00:12:25.830
Which is that kind of:
“We know you done it really.”

297
00:12:25.830 --> 00:12:29.350
“We’re not saying you didn’t do it,
but you did it well.”

298
00:12:29.350 --> 00:12:32.759
The prosecution have not proved their case
beyond reasonable doubt, is “not proven”.

299
00:12:32.759 --> 00:12:35.420
There was that one hold-out guy that was actually...

300
00:12:35.420 --> 00:12:37.040
a cow.

301
00:12:37.040 --> 00:12:40.120
I suspect in this instance
it’s just nobody'd testify.

302
00:12:40.860 --> 00:12:44.380
You’re absolutely right, you’re absolutely
right and that’s one of the reasons why.

303
00:12:44.389 --> 00:12:48.029
If the evidence is not sufficient,
but it’s circumstantial…

304
00:12:48.029 --> 00:12:49.160
- Are you okay there?
- Oh, god.

305
00:12:49.160 --> 00:12:50.540
We’ve lost Gary, we’ve lost him.

306
00:12:50.540 --> 00:12:52.520
It’s going to be interesting to see
what this is about,

307
00:12:52.520 --> 00:12:55.129
because it doesn’t really follow from what’s
just been said.

308
00:12:55.129 --> 00:12:57.689
It’s something so incredibly funny
but grossly inappropriate.

309
00:12:57.689 --> 00:12:59.379
I was going to say,
whenever you’re ready, fella.

310
00:12:59.379 --> 00:13:01.250
No, no, it’s not, it’s just like, no,
no, no,

311
00:13:01.250 --> 00:13:03.910
It's the thought of, they’re going into
the court room and the prosecution going in.

312
00:13:03.910 --> 00:13:06.410
“We’ve got them, we’ve nailed them,
we’ve got a good body of evidence.”

313
00:13:06.410 --> 00:13:08.290
“All rise for his Honour…”

314
00:13:08.290 --> 00:13:10.800
The sound of four hooves coming in.

315
00:13:11.780 --> 00:13:13.420
“Forget it!”

316
00:13:14.220 --> 00:13:18.700
So the cow was eventually taken to Aberdeen,
it was sold for £7.

317
00:13:18.700 --> 00:13:21.360
The government, how did they do
out of that deal?

318
00:13:21.360 --> 00:13:24.230
Oh, are they massively out of pocket on the
rail fares?

319
00:13:26.240 --> 00:13:28.180
Yeah, you have to book two seats and…

320
00:13:28.180 --> 00:13:29.180
Yeah, yeah…

321
00:13:29.180 --> 00:13:31.089
I was just thinking, you didn’t factor in
because this is,

322
00:13:31.089 --> 00:13:32.600
it’s not just a cow, it’s a famous cow.

323
00:13:32.600 --> 00:13:34.050
That must push the value up a little bit.

324
00:13:34.050 --> 00:13:38.480
It can juggle, it’s passed the Bar
and become a judge so…

325
00:13:38.480 --> 00:13:40.660
It’s diversified its skillset.

326
00:13:40.660 --> 00:13:43.490
Yes, you need some little cows as bodyguards
obviously.

327
00:13:43.490 --> 00:13:45.329
Yeah, little things in their ears, dark glasses,
all that kind of shizz.

328
00:13:45.329 --> 00:13:48.151
So the entourage alone, getting it down to
the market and that…

329
00:13:48.151 --> 00:13:50.480
The expenses that you incurred
are outrageous really.

330
00:13:50.480 --> 00:13:53.269
The high-class grass she got shipped in.

331
00:13:53.269 --> 00:13:57.240
Yes, you’re absolutely right, the Sheriff’s
department took a loss on the whole thing.

332
00:13:57.240 --> 00:13:58.960
What then happened?

333
00:13:58.970 --> 00:14:00.420
’Cos this cow is in Aberdeen

334
00:14:00.420 --> 00:14:02.810
and it’s not been slaughtered
for anything yet.

335
00:14:02.810 --> 00:14:04.910
Got on the wrong train, ended up in Sheffield.

336
00:14:04.910 --> 00:14:07.610
Why is this cow on a train?

337
00:14:07.610 --> 00:14:09.970
Because that’s how you’d probably transport
a cow at that time.

338
00:14:09.970 --> 00:14:12.009
There’s a full circle to this story.

339
00:14:12.009 --> 00:14:13.420
Did it become a cow again?

340
00:14:19.020 --> 00:14:22.700
It was never not a cow, Gary.

341
00:14:22.709 --> 00:14:23.960
It was a judge for a bit!

342
00:14:23.960 --> 00:14:26.250
That doesn’t mean it can’t still be…

343
00:14:26.250 --> 00:14:27.600
For God’s…

344
00:14:29.540 --> 00:14:33.080
I mean you put a wig on it, who’s to say
what animal it is?

345
00:14:33.089 --> 00:14:35.839
That’s my defence and I’m sticking to it,
it’s not proven.

346
00:14:35.840 --> 00:02:22.720
Not proven because we couldn’t see its scalp.

347
00:02:22.720 --> 00:02:23.720
Exactly.

348
00:14:39.750 --> 00:14:41.660
The farmer’s friend bought it back and gave
it to him as a gift.

349
00:14:41.660 --> 00:14:42.940
Yes. You are absolutely right.

350
00:14:42.940 --> 00:14:44.220
Oh, that’s nice.

351
00:14:44.220 --> 00:14:45.180
It was…

352
00:14:45.180 --> 00:14:47.980
Good, ’cos I had a list of about ten different
permutations I was going to go through.

353
00:14:47.980 --> 00:14:49.360
Yes, it’s close enough.

354
00:14:49.360 --> 00:14:52.230
Bryony Miller, local girl and
wife of the farm hand

355
00:14:52.230 --> 00:14:56.430
rallied the local community together,
bought back the cow

356
00:14:56.430 --> 00:14:59.139
and presented it back as a major public event.

357
00:14:59.139 --> 00:15:00.459
Was it in a box?

358
00:15:00.459 --> 00:15:02.360
Did it have a bow around it?

359
00:15:02.360 --> 00:15:05.840
Paraded with garlands and ribbons and flowers.

360
00:15:05.840 --> 00:15:06.920
Eyy!

361
00:15:06.920 --> 00:15:09.480
And painted with the slogan, “free...”

362
00:15:09.490 --> 00:15:14.129
I’m going to translate this from the Scots,
because I can’t do the accent,

363
00:15:14.129 --> 00:15:15.759
“Don’t you wish you were me?”

364
00:15:15.759 --> 00:15:16.759
Aww.

365
00:15:16.759 --> 00:15:18.940
Yeah, I’m a juggling cow
that’s been a judge.

366
00:15:18.940 --> 00:15:20.759
I’ve had a hell of a life.

367
00:15:20.759 --> 00:15:22.310
How are they doing all these messages?

368
00:15:22.310 --> 00:15:24.240
I mean does paint rub off cows?

369
00:15:25.200 --> 00:15:27.639
Well, I’m from an urban environment,
I’ve never painted one!

370
00:15:28.700 --> 00:15:30.000
Chalk, yeah, but…

371
00:15:30.000 --> 00:15:33.020
Do we have any one in the audience who has
ever painted a cow?

372
00:15:33.029 --> 00:15:34.589
Or knows someone who might later.

373
00:15:34.589 --> 00:15:35.589
That is, like...

374
00:15:35.589 --> 00:15:37.480
I was really worried for a minute
there was…

375
00:15:37.480 --> 00:15:40.880
This is the most middle version of cow-tipping
I’ve heard of in my life.

376
00:15:40.880 --> 00:15:43.699
To be fair, he dropped Waitrose
into the conversation earlier.

377
00:15:43.699 --> 00:15:45.220
Like you’ve, you’ve gone up…

378
00:15:45.220 --> 00:15:47.460
Only because I’ve been to one earlier to
buy your biscuits.

379
00:15:48.509 --> 00:15:49.500
And his banana.

380
00:15:49.509 --> 00:15:52.209
And my croissant, but that’s different.

381
00:15:52.209 --> 00:15:54.639
He says, “Do you want
anything from the shop?”

382
00:15:54.639 --> 00:15:56.069
I’m like, “Yeah, we need some biscuits.”

383
00:15:56.069 --> 00:15:57.790
He’s like, “Yes, get me a banana.”

384
00:15:57.790 --> 00:15:58.790
“Banana!”

385
00:15:58.790 --> 00:15:59.790
Yes actually he just said…

386
00:15:59.790 --> 00:16:00.790
Banana, repeatedly.

387
00:16:00.790 --> 00:16:02.959
And then he comes in and he’s got a croissant.

388
00:16:02.959 --> 00:16:04.579
Don’t get me about middle class.

389
00:16:04.580 --> 00:16:06.740
Didn’t have almond in it.

390
00:16:06.740 --> 00:16:08.260
“Almond? Luxury!”

391
00:16:09.760 --> 00:16:11.639
What happened to the cow?

392
00:16:11.640 --> 00:16:16.320
There’s got to be, like, if you want to
visit the cow now, its skeleton is in the…

393
00:16:17.500 --> 00:16:19.430
Is in a corner of the farmland, yes.

394
00:16:19.430 --> 00:16:20.750
It was treated well for the remaining years.

395
00:16:20.750 --> 00:16:25.070
It was not sent to market after all and eventually
died a natural death

396
00:16:25.070 --> 00:16:26.529
and was buried in the corner of the farm.

397
00:16:26.529 --> 00:16:29.309
And you can still pilgrimage to the corner
of the farm?

398
00:16:29.309 --> 00:16:33.040
No, but you can go to a roadside monument
in Lendrum.

399
00:16:33.040 --> 00:16:34.040
Ah.

400
00:16:34.040 --> 00:16:35.040
That’s good.

401
00:16:35.040 --> 00:16:36.040
I thought you were going to say no,

402
00:16:36.040 --> 00:16:38.900
but you can stop on the outside lane of the
A363 or something like that.

403
00:16:40.300 --> 00:16:42.960
A bit of light trespassing later.

404
00:16:42.970 --> 00:16:44.620
Is there a ghost of the cow by the layby?

405
00:16:44.620 --> 00:16:45.850
I'd like to think there is.

406
00:16:45.850 --> 00:16:49.589
I like the idea that’s just a layby ghost,
because that’s a pretty crap ghost.

407
00:16:49.589 --> 00:16:52.249
’Cos you park in a layby in the middle of
the night, you hear a mooing,

408
00:16:52.249 --> 00:16:53.569
“oh there’s a cow nearby.”

409
00:16:53.569 --> 00:16:55.980
Yes, but it’s a juggling cow ghost!

410
00:16:55.980 --> 00:16:59.040
How would you know you’ve
not seen the ghost of a cow?

411
00:16:59.740 --> 00:17:00.740
Deep.

412
00:17:02.000 --> 00:17:05.880
And on that note, congratulations Gary,
you win this week’s show.

413
00:17:10.040 --> 00:17:14.020
You win a tool for combing through ponds to
find male ducks,

414
00:17:14.020 --> 00:17:16.180
signed by a Canadian rapper.

415
00:17:16.920 --> 00:17:19.100
It’s a Drake Lake Drake Rake.

416
00:17:20.080 --> 00:17:22.740
Sorry, it looks like Drake’s signature is
actually a forgery there,

417
00:17:22.740 --> 00:17:24.380
so it’s a fake Drake Lake Drake Rake.

418
00:17:25.280 --> 00:17:27.940
You are the f***ing worst.

419
00:17:27.940 --> 00:17:31.110
Do enjoy that, and on that we say
thank you to Chris Joel.

420
00:17:31.110 --> 00:17:33.140
“It’s over! It’s over!”

421
00:17:33.140 --> 00:17:34.420
To Gary Brannan.

422
00:17:35.580 --> 00:17:37.340
And to Matt Parker.

423
00:17:37.340 --> 00:17:39.260
I’ve been Tom Scott
and we’ll see you next time.