WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

1
00:00:04.799 --> 00:00:06.160
This is the Technical Difficulties,
we’re playing Citation Needed.

2
00:00:06.160 --> 00:00:08.100
Joining me today, he reads books y'know,
it’s Chris Joel.

3
00:00:08.100 --> 00:00:09.100
Hello.

4
00:00:10.510 --> 00:00:12.280
Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan,
Gary Brannan.

5
00:00:12.280 --> 00:00:15.660
♪ I’m in the old-fashioned bustle
my grandmother wore! ♪

6
00:00:18.400 --> 00:00:19.720
He is, you know.

7
00:00:19.730 --> 00:00:22.090
And the bounciest man on the internet,
Matt Gray.

8
00:00:22.090 --> 00:00:23.080
Willkommen, YouTube!

9
00:00:25.520 --> 00:00:28.919
In front of me, I’ve got an article from Wikipedia,
and these folks can’t see it.

10
00:00:28.919 --> 00:00:30.699
Every fact they get right is a point
and a ding

11
00:00:30.700 --> 00:00:32.920
and there’s a special prize for particularly
good answers, which is…

12
00:00:36.280 --> 00:00:40.120
And today, we are talking about
the Sark football team.

13
00:00:40.120 --> 00:00:42.080
Okay. Island off Jersey!

14
00:00:42.080 --> 00:00:43.120
Yeah, have a point.

15
00:00:43.129 --> 00:00:44.179
Have a point for that straight away.

16
00:00:44.180 --> 00:00:45.920
- Do they play football?
- Is it about their... aagh!

17
00:00:46.520 --> 00:00:47.940
Yeah, but American football.

18
00:00:47.940 --> 00:00:49.360
On a boat in Greenwich.

19
00:00:50.180 --> 00:00:52.080
- What?
- What?

20
00:00:52.080 --> 00:00:53.080
Cutty Sark...

21
00:00:54.080 --> 00:00:54.900
No?

22
00:00:54.900 --> 00:00:55.720
Already?

23
00:00:55.720 --> 00:00:56.400
Shall I leave?

331
00:00:56.400 --> 00:00:57.700
Yes.

25
00:00:57.700 --> 00:01:00.860
Yes, Sark is part of the Bailiwick of Guernsey.

155
00:01:00.870 --> 00:01:01.870
Okay, fair enough.

27
00:01:01.870 --> 00:01:03.350
What are the Channel Islands?

28
00:01:03.350 --> 00:01:06.140
Let’s start really, really far out.

29
00:01:06.140 --> 00:01:10.740
Are they... some islands...
in the English Channel, Tom?

30
00:01:10.740 --> 00:01:12.440
Yeah, you’re not getting a point for that.

31
00:01:13.540 --> 00:01:15.600
You’re not getting a point
when I gave you the title!

32
00:01:15.610 --> 00:01:17.000
I don’t understand the question, then.

33
00:01:17.000 --> 00:01:18.790
There’s something special about, sort of,
how they…

34
00:01:18.790 --> 00:01:20.260
Oh, are you asking me what they’re called?

35
00:01:20.260 --> 00:01:21.580
Oh, Jesus f***.

36
00:01:21.580 --> 00:01:24.540
There’s one called Jersey,
there’s one called Guernsey,

37
00:01:24.540 --> 00:01:26.740
- Go on.
- ...and there’s one called St Helen’s?

38
00:01:26.740 --> 00:01:27.740
No.

39
00:01:27.740 --> 00:01:29.520
- No.
- St Helen’s is near Wigan!

40
00:01:29.520 --> 00:01:33.620
You’re thinking of St Helena, and that’s
on the other side of the planet.

41
00:01:33.620 --> 00:01:34.620
Okay, yes...

42
00:01:34.620 --> 00:01:35.620
Alderney.

43
00:01:35.620 --> 00:01:36.620
Alderney is the other one, yes.

44
00:01:36.620 --> 00:01:39.380
Does one of them have a capital
of St Helena of Guernsey?

45
00:01:39.380 --> 00:00:56.400
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!

331
00:00:56.400 --> 00:00:57.700
Yes.

47
00:01:41.380 --> 00:01:42.380
I’m getting something right.

48
00:01:42.380 --> 00:01:43.380
That’s my job!

49
00:01:45.780 --> 00:01:48.520
And the thing is, you’re wrong,
it’s Saint Helier.

50
00:01:53.760 --> 00:01:55.580
When you say, “What are the Channel Islands?”

51
00:01:55.580 --> 00:01:58.060
my standard answer is usually,
“Occupied France.”

52
00:01:58.060 --> 00:01:59.920
Yes, and have a point.

53
00:01:59.920 --> 00:02:00.920
Absolutely, they were the only bit…

54
00:02:00.920 --> 00:02:02.630
Did you just give a point for that?

55
00:02:02.630 --> 00:02:04.320
Well, that’s one of the questions I was
going to ask.

56
00:02:04.320 --> 00:02:07.590
They were the only bit of the United Kingdom,
well, UK territory,

57
00:02:07.590 --> 00:02:10.000
that was actually taken by Germany in the
Second World War.

58
00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:12.320
They were invaded in 1940, or ’41.

59
00:02:12.320 --> 00:02:13.480
I forget the year.

60
00:02:13.480 --> 00:02:16.460
I wasn’t there, why the f*** am I like that?
Honestly.

61
00:02:16.460 --> 00:02:20.320
In 1940, but in terms of Britain,
what are they?

62
00:02:20.330 --> 00:00:56.400
Crown territory.

331
00:00:56.400 --> 00:00:57.700
Yes.

64
00:02:22.330 --> 00:02:24.260
Have the point, they are a crown dependency,

65
00:02:24.260 --> 00:02:26.800
but they are not part of the United Kingdom.

66
00:02:26.800 --> 00:02:30.480
♪ Tax haven, wider than a mile... ♪

67
00:02:31.480 --> 00:02:35.060
Oh, sorry, I thought you were
going for Goldfinger, there.

68
00:02:35.060 --> 00:02:36.760
- Same tune.
- They are the same song.

69
00:02:36.760 --> 00:02:39.580
And they are the same people that live there!

70
00:02:39.590 --> 00:02:43.380
Is Sark the one where you don’t have any
motor vehicles?

71
00:02:43.380 --> 00:02:45.220
Is it still bicycles and horses and carts?

72
00:02:45.220 --> 00:02:46.420
Oh, yes, absolutely right.

73
00:02:46.420 --> 00:02:48.850
Sark is the one where cars are banned.

74
00:02:48.850 --> 00:02:51.800
Ladies and gentlemen, the Gary Brannan
General Knowledge Edition.

75
00:02:51.800 --> 00:02:55.760
The, “Gary’s mum and dad have been on
holiday to the Channel Islands,” edition,

76
00:02:55.770 --> 00:02:58.490
and I sat through the photos.

77
00:02:58.490 --> 00:03:00.270
I need some slides...

78
00:03:00.270 --> 00:03:04.810
So was that just, “And this is not a car,
and this is not a car, and this is not a car...

79
00:03:04.810 --> 00:03:06.980
“This looks like a car, but in the back...

80
00:03:06.980 --> 00:03:08.860
“very large hamster wheel.”

81
00:03:08.860 --> 00:03:10.380
“This looks like a car.”

82
00:03:10.380 --> 00:03:12.000
Pull up the bonnet: horse.

83
00:03:12.000 --> 00:00:56.400
Miniature horse?

331
00:00:56.400 --> 00:00:57.700
Yes.

85
00:03:14.100 --> 00:03:15.140
Oh, cracking, want one.

86
00:03:15.140 --> 00:03:17.800
Isn’t Sark one where it is technically still
run by a lord?

87
00:03:17.800 --> 00:03:19.720
- Feudal.
- Feudal, I think it is something like that.

88
00:03:19.720 --> 00:03:21.500
Oh, he’s getting all the points today, yes.

89
00:03:21.500 --> 00:03:23.730
He’s on home turf here, come on.

90
00:03:23.730 --> 00:03:26.400
Obscure crown territory facts, bring it on.

91
00:03:26.400 --> 00:03:30.800
It was considered the last feudal state in
Europe until 2008,

92
00:03:30.800 --> 00:03:32.920
when they reformed it, but yes, that will...

93
00:03:32.920 --> 00:03:35.150
You own the island, therefore
you own the people.

94
00:03:35.150 --> 00:03:36.420
Yeah, pretty much.

95
00:03:36.420 --> 00:03:39.410
Oh, please say they had a Communist revolution.

96
00:03:39.410 --> 00:03:41.060
I know they didn’t but, you know?

97
00:03:41.060 --> 00:03:43.100
- The horses.
- A horsey uprising!

98
00:03:43.100 --> 00:03:45.560
'The Reform', it’s referred to...

99
00:03:45.560 --> 00:03:47.790
That sounds more ominous than it
ought t'be, really, doesn’t it?

100
00:03:47.790 --> 00:03:48.790
'The Reform.'

101
00:03:48.790 --> 00:03:51.050
It is all capitalised.

102
00:03:51.050 --> 00:03:53.490
And if you didn’t like the idea,
would that be Sark snark?

103
00:03:53.490 --> 00:03:54.490
Jesus.

104
00:03:54.490 --> 00:03:55.490
Yes?

105
00:03:55.490 --> 00:03:56.940
No, it’s sark-asm.

106
00:03:57.700 --> 00:03:59.640
When you’re negative about it.

107
00:03:59.650 --> 00:04:03.890
Oh, guys, that deserved more,
sark-asm, it really did.

108
00:04:03.890 --> 00:04:07.650
There are a lot of old laws still in place.

109
00:04:07.650 --> 00:04:10.560
They didn’t have divorce until 2003.

110
00:04:10.560 --> 00:04:12.250
Was it separation of bed and table?

111
00:04:12.250 --> 00:04:13.819
I don’t know what that is.

112
00:04:13.819 --> 00:04:17.310
That is the way you could organise a form
of divorce pre-divorce being allowed.

113
00:04:17.310 --> 00:04:19.900
You were allowed to live apart
by the church courts.

114
00:04:19.900 --> 00:04:21.370
Mensa et thoro.

115
00:04:21.370 --> 00:04:23.840
Oh yeah, come on, it’s all in here somewhere!

116
00:04:23.840 --> 00:04:25.300
I mean, I'm...

117
00:04:27.220 --> 00:04:31.340
Because you’ve just basically told me the
entire first paragraph of a completely different

118
00:04:31.340 --> 00:04:32.979
Wikipedia article I haven't loaded.

119
00:04:32.979 --> 00:04:33.979
So, yes.

120
00:04:33.979 --> 00:04:37.099
Third time in three shows, by the way.

121
00:04:37.099 --> 00:04:39.509
But how can you now get divorced on Sark?

122
00:04:39.509 --> 00:04:41.590
You can murder the other person.

123
00:04:41.590 --> 00:04:42.900
Not technically a divorce.

124
00:04:42.900 --> 00:04:45.580
I reckon that was always an option,
you know, mate.

125
00:04:45.580 --> 00:00:56.400
Oh! Leave.
Get divorced, come back.

331
00:00:56.400 --> 00:00:57.700
Yes.

127
00:04:48.420 --> 00:04:50.960
You can now get divorced in Guernsey
and come back to Sark.

128
00:04:50.970 --> 00:04:54.080
“Those liberal Guernsey b******s,”
they probably think.

129
00:04:54.080 --> 00:04:56.229
Having been out on islands like that,

130
00:04:56.229 --> 00:04:59.650
when I was on holidays a few years ago
I went out to one of the Hebridean islands.

131
00:04:59.650 --> 00:05:02.639
I went to Coll, which is a similar kind of thing,
very small island.

132
00:05:02.640 --> 00:05:07.180
They have a very slightly larger neighbour,
Tiree, who they see as being stuck up,

133
00:05:07.180 --> 00:05:10.860
because A, they have the Co-op,
and B, they have the policeman.

134
00:05:12.700 --> 00:05:16.259
And what happens is when the policeman gets
on the boat to come over,

135
00:05:16.259 --> 00:05:20.759
they phone up the island, and everyone hides
their non-registered cars and stuff

136
00:05:20.759 --> 00:05:23.330
until the policeman has left.

137
00:05:23.330 --> 00:05:26.789
And now you’ve just ratted all of them out.

138
00:05:26.789 --> 00:05:29.060
Yeah! Get over there,
policeman from Tiree, come on!

139
00:05:29.060 --> 00:05:31.200
But by the time he’s got there, they’ll
have hidden them again.

140
00:05:31.200 --> 00:05:32.560
Hidden the cars, yes.

141
00:05:32.560 --> 00:05:35.560
Somewhere on that island, the phone's just...

142
00:05:35.560 --> 00:05:38.400
“Oh, we said not to tell anyone!”

143
00:05:39.120 --> 00:05:41.300
“Gary, we told you...!”

144
00:05:41.300 --> 00:05:44.240
We briefly mentioned the economy, what is
Sark’s economy driven by?

145
00:05:44.240 --> 00:05:45.700
Horses!

146
00:05:45.700 --> 00:05:47.080
Sarcasm.

147
00:05:47.080 --> 00:05:48.380
Tourism.

148
00:05:48.380 --> 00:05:52.580
Yes, and you also said that earlier,
financial services.

149
00:05:53.860 --> 00:05:55.280
Eh, kids?

150
00:05:55.289 --> 00:06:00.500
It has... a low amount of tax,
let’s say that.

151
00:06:00.500 --> 00:06:01.669
How long do you have to live there?

152
00:06:01.669 --> 00:06:04.020
It’s got to be over a number of years, probably.

153
00:06:04.020 --> 00:06:09.040
I’m guessing owning a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny
fraction of a bit of land counts as living there.

154
00:06:09.040 --> 00:01:00.870
Three months in a tax year.

155
00:01:00.870 --> 00:01:01.870
Okay, fair enough.

156
00:06:11.920 --> 00:06:13.180
If you’re there for 91 days, you’re good.

157
00:06:13.180 --> 00:06:14.600
You’re a resident,

158
00:06:14.600 --> 00:06:16.620
you get their tax laws if you want them.

159
00:06:16.629 --> 00:06:18.361
Don’t do this, I’m really crap at tax stuff.

160
00:06:18.361 --> 00:06:19.361
Do they have to be...

161
00:06:19.361 --> 00:06:20.500
I’m rapidly figuring out if I can do this,

162
00:06:20.500 --> 00:06:22.870
the answer is almost certainly no,
but I’m thick as mince.

163
00:06:22.870 --> 00:06:24.360
Don’t let me near this.

164
00:06:24.360 --> 00:06:25.710
Just a sec.

165
00:06:25.710 --> 00:06:29.719
This means all your tax savings could be spent
on getting a hovercraft there,

166
00:06:29.719 --> 00:06:30.930
and then you could get a hovercraft there,

167
00:06:30.930 --> 00:06:32.280
and that would be fun, because it’s a hovercraft.

168
00:06:33.240 --> 00:06:34.900
It is quite a long way away.

169
00:06:34.900 --> 00:06:37.279
Tom, Tom, Tom, please can I have
a go on a hovercraft?

170
00:06:37.279 --> 00:06:40.089
What we’re saying is we all want a go on
a hovercraft.

171
00:06:40.089 --> 00:06:43.380
And I think I can arrange that, but...

172
00:06:43.380 --> 00:06:44.380
Ooh!

173
00:06:44.380 --> 00:06:45.960
Smash cut to...

174
00:06:45.960 --> 00:06:50.569
I’m more worried about Matt’s tax advice
system here, which is

175
00:06:50.569 --> 00:06:53.820
- “Yes, we can save you money for a hovercraft.”
- Hovercraft, hovercraft, hovercraft.

176
00:06:53.820 --> 00:06:58.939
Like, it’s not the worst tax advice
I’ve ever heard, but…

177
00:06:58.940 --> 00:07:02.260
If we did, we could do a show on a hovercraft,
it would be ‘on air’, because it’s…

178
00:07:05.720 --> 00:07:08.320
It’s a golf clap. It’s a golf clap.

179
00:07:08.320 --> 00:07:09.360
It's a good four.

180
00:07:09.360 --> 00:07:10.420
I’m not biscuiting that.

181
00:07:11.020 --> 00:07:13.680
The legal system on Sark
also has something called...

182
00:07:13.680 --> 00:07:16.680
er, I’m going to try and pronounce French
again here, which is never great.

183
00:07:16.680 --> 00:07:17.680
Oh great.

184
00:07:17.680 --> 00:07:19.930
The Clameur de haro.

185
00:07:19.930 --> 00:07:20.930
Clammy arrows?

186
00:07:20.930 --> 00:07:24.009
Is that along the lines of the hue and cry
for a criminal, or something like that?

187
00:07:24.009 --> 00:07:25.509
Oh, it’s connected to hue and cry.

188
00:07:25.509 --> 00:07:27.300
I’ll absolutely give you a point for that.

189
00:07:27.300 --> 00:07:29.249
Yes, for apprehending a felon,
or something like that, no?

190
00:07:29.249 --> 00:07:31.600
Ah, not in this case, but
what is the hue and cry?

191
00:07:31.600 --> 00:07:34.189
Hue and cry is an ancient thing where in a
community

192
00:07:34.189 --> 00:07:37.339
you would be responsible for raising the hue
and cry if someone had committed a crime

193
00:07:37.339 --> 00:07:38.720
and was passing through your community.

194
00:07:38.720 --> 00:07:41.610
It’s, “All pile on,” basically, in a
legal term.

195
00:07:41.610 --> 00:07:43.729
Right, so it's like the law,

196
00:07:43.729 --> 00:07:47.360
but on a small island where the law operates
like American football.

197
00:07:48.640 --> 00:07:49.960
This is not on Sark.

198
00:07:49.960 --> 00:07:52.419
I should point out for a hue and cry,

199
00:07:52.419 --> 00:07:56.449
all able-bodied men, upon hearing the shouts,
were obliged to assist.

200
00:07:56.449 --> 00:07:58.780
Oh, that sounds like so much fun.

201
00:08:00.740 --> 00:08:03.500
This is the hue and cry, though, this is not
Clameur de haro.

202
00:08:03.500 --> 00:08:05.140
A-r-r-o-w?

203
00:08:05.160 --> 00:08:06.580
No, h-a-r-o.

272
00:08:06.580 --> 00:08:07.580
Oh.

205
00:08:07.580 --> 00:08:09.039
This is kind of the opposite.

206
00:08:09.039 --> 00:08:11.130
This is not going to catch someone,
this is to stop someone.

207
00:08:11.130 --> 00:08:12.130
Ignore someone.

208
00:08:12.130 --> 00:08:14.550
I was going to say, professionally ignoring
crimes.

209
00:08:14.550 --> 00:08:16.580
Wait, tax haven!

210
00:08:17.740 --> 00:08:20.020
“Hovercraft, what hovercraft?”

211
00:08:20.020 --> 00:08:21.849
“It’s disguised as a barn, officer!”

212
00:08:21.849 --> 00:08:24.860
No, it’s disguised as a load of money.

213
00:08:25.870 --> 00:08:27.620
Is that a formal way of saying,

214
00:08:27.620 --> 00:08:29.120
“Geroff my land!”?

215
00:08:30.600 --> 00:08:32.140
Yeah, go on.

216
00:08:32.140 --> 00:08:39.680
It’s not, “Get off my land,” but yes,
it is a formal Thing that you Do.

217
00:08:39.680 --> 00:08:41.650
This is annoying me, because I half know this.

218
00:08:41.650 --> 00:08:44.300
It’s some kind of judicial process where

219
00:08:44.300 --> 00:08:46.620
you effectively bring someone
in front of the king

220
00:08:46.620 --> 00:08:48.720
to adjudge on a land case or
something like that, isn’t it?

221
00:08:48.730 --> 00:08:50.940
It is, it's a very specific process.

222
00:08:50.940 --> 00:08:54.300
The procedure is performed on one’s knees.

223
00:08:56.889 --> 00:08:58.780
Steady everyone.

224
00:08:58.780 --> 00:09:00.980
Before at least two witnesses,

225
00:09:02.980 --> 00:09:05.060
in the presence of the wrongdoer,

226
00:09:06.360 --> 00:09:08.760
and in the location of the offence.

227
00:09:12.280 --> 00:09:13.700
All right?

228
00:09:14.600 --> 00:09:16.490
The Criant, the person complaining,

229
00:09:16.490 --> 00:09:18.920
with his hand in the air must call out,

230
00:09:18.920 --> 00:09:20.779
“Hear me, hear me, hear me.

231
00:09:20.779 --> 00:09:23.170
“Come to my aid, my prince,
for someone does me wrong.”

232
00:09:23.170 --> 00:09:23.170
- Yes!
- Yes.

233
00:09:23.170 --> 00:09:25.040
- Yes.
- That’s a hell of a safe word.

234
00:09:27.220 --> 00:09:29.670
Try speaking that through the orange, yeah!

235
00:09:29.670 --> 00:09:33.990
Followed by reciting what well-known thing
in French?

236
00:09:33.990 --> 00:09:35.060
Lord’s prayer.

237
00:09:35.060 --> 00:09:36.060
Yes, absolutely right.

238
00:09:36.060 --> 00:09:37.060
It’s been done recently, this.

239
00:09:37.060 --> 00:09:38.480
- Yes it has.
- This is why I’ve heard of it,

240
00:09:38.480 --> 00:09:40.240
it’s because it’s in
some kind of land dispute,

241
00:09:40.240 --> 00:09:43.400
and it’s something like a hedge or a garage
or something like that,

242
00:09:43.400 --> 00:09:46.680
and the guy is basically on the verge of 
losing the case,

243
00:09:46.680 --> 00:09:51.029
and as one final, basically, legal dick move
just dropped to his knees and did that.

244
00:09:51.029 --> 00:09:52.850
And everyone went,
“Oh, s***, that’s still enforced.”

245
00:09:52.850 --> 00:09:53.850
That kind of thing.

246
00:09:53.850 --> 00:09:57.149
What happens after the
Lord’s prayer is recited?

247
00:09:57.149 --> 00:10:00.540
What does the person they are challenging
need to do?

248
00:10:00.540 --> 00:10:03.410
Based on what’s already gone before, presumably
adopt a backwards crab position,

249
00:10:03.410 --> 00:10:06.370
walk in a circle on a full moon,

250
00:10:06.370 --> 00:10:10.660
but any other time of the year, you have to
go completely rectilinear,

251
00:10:10.660 --> 00:10:14.290
and shout something, yeah,
let’s go with Latin.

252
00:10:14.290 --> 00:10:16.440
It is significantly simpler than that.

253
00:10:16.440 --> 00:10:18.020
Most things are!

254
00:10:18.020 --> 00:10:22.760
There are people in this room with doctoral
theses that were easier to complete than that.

255
00:10:22.769 --> 00:10:25.500
Do they just go, “Right”?

256
00:10:25.500 --> 00:10:28.250
Yes, that’s basically it.

257
00:10:28.250 --> 00:10:31.690
They just have to stop what they’re doing.

258
00:10:31.690 --> 00:10:35.500
Regardless of whether they are legally entitled
to do it or not,

259
00:10:35.500 --> 00:10:38.680
if that is used they have to stop
and it goes to adjudication.

260
00:10:38.680 --> 00:10:41.400
Wouldn’t you if someone got on their knees
and did all of that?

261
00:10:41.400 --> 00:10:42.400
Yes, to be fair, yes.

262
00:10:42.400 --> 00:10:43.540
Yeah, but only to watch!

263
00:10:43.540 --> 00:10:46.449
As the bulldozer rumbled towards them, yes.

264
00:10:46.449 --> 00:10:49.850
And if you call without a valid reason,
you pay a fine.

265
00:10:49.850 --> 00:10:50.850
If you call and, er...

266
00:10:50.850 --> 00:10:52.110
How much is the fine?

267
00:10:52.110 --> 00:10:55.060
I’m going to say this, is it one that’s
been set a long time ago?

268
00:10:55.060 --> 00:10:56.060
Yeah, two guineas!

269
00:10:56.060 --> 00:10:58.360
It’s either ludicrously cheap,
or ludicrously expensive.

270
00:10:58.360 --> 00:10:59.620
It doesn’t actually say.

271
00:10:59.620 --> 00:08:06.580
It just says, “a penalty”.

272
00:08:06.580 --> 00:08:07.580
Oh.

273
00:11:02.800 --> 00:11:04.060
You just have to take a free kick.

274
00:11:04.060 --> 00:00:56.400
Hang on, didn’t we start on
the football team, like, 20 minutes ago?

331
00:00:56.400 --> 00:00:57.700
Yes.

276
00:11:07.959 --> 00:11:09.709
Where I was going to bring this back to in
a little while,

277
00:11:09.709 --> 00:11:12.700
but we got onto the legal system of Sark at
some point, so.

278
00:11:12.700 --> 00:11:13.860
Hold your horses!

347
00:11:16.660 --> 00:11:17.720
Yes!

280
00:11:17.720 --> 00:11:18.720
Thank you.

281
00:11:18.720 --> 00:11:21.579
What, they have to take a set of penalties,
and it’s best of six or something?

282
00:11:21.579 --> 00:11:22.879
Yes, I’m going to pass it to you.

283
00:11:22.879 --> 00:11:26.410
Every time the other team scores,
the entire Sark team does that.

284
00:11:26.410 --> 00:11:29.029
Well, that would be quite difficult.

285
00:11:29.029 --> 00:11:31.709
What’s the population of Sark, roughly?

286
00:11:31.709 --> 00:11:34.800
Don’t forget some of them are only there
91 days of the year.

287
00:11:34.800 --> 00:11:36.110
Well this is what I’m trying to
factor in here.

288
00:11:36.110 --> 00:11:38.160
Though they probably send the butler
to play for them.

289
00:11:38.160 --> 00:11:42.540
I was going to say something like 150, but
when you count actual residents,

290
00:11:42.540 --> 00:11:45.139
if it’s so easy, it could be in the thousands.

291
00:11:45.139 --> 00:11:46.810
It’s about 600 people.

292
00:11:46.810 --> 00:11:53.519
So, as you can imagine, the Sark football
team does not have a lot of people who are

293
00:11:53.519 --> 00:11:55.209
highly qualified to play football.

294
00:11:55.209 --> 00:11:57.080
- Correct.
- Are any of them horses?

295
00:11:57.080 --> 00:11:59.060
The Sark football team are all human.

296
00:11:59.070 --> 00:12:01.980
Starting at base principles here.

297
00:12:01.980 --> 00:12:03.490
Who do they play against?

298
00:12:03.490 --> 00:00:56.400
Other football teams.

331
00:00:56.400 --> 00:00:57.700
Yes.

300
00:12:05.490 --> 00:12:06.490
I’m not giving you a point for that.

301
00:12:06.490 --> 00:12:07.490
(F*** you!)

302
00:12:07.490 --> 00:12:09.570
Oh, is it the Channel League?

303
00:12:09.570 --> 00:12:12.600
Anyone who wants to come over and play them.

304
00:12:12.600 --> 00:12:13.600
Hang on a minute.

305
00:12:13.600 --> 00:12:15.720
Hang on chaps, do we know seven other people?

306
00:12:15.720 --> 00:12:16.880
I’m getting an idea here.

307
00:12:16.880 --> 00:12:18.040
Yes, same.

308
00:12:18.040 --> 00:12:19.120
Hovercraft?

309
00:12:19.120 --> 00:12:22.300
From what I’ve heard of this team, do we
need another 11-minus-4 people?

310
00:12:22.300 --> 00:12:24.020
Ah, good idea.

311
00:12:24.020 --> 00:12:27.060
You’re absolutely right, I’m going to
give you a point for islands as well,

312
00:12:27.060 --> 00:12:28.889
because their international matches were in
2003.

313
00:12:28.889 --> 00:12:30.130
There's four of them listed here.

314
00:12:30.130 --> 00:12:31.850
They’ve done international matches?

315
00:12:31.850 --> 00:12:36.600
Against Gibraltar, the Isle of Wight, Greenland,
and a place...

316
00:12:36.600 --> 00:12:39.149
I’m going to mispronounce the vowel in this,
called Frøya.

317
00:12:39.149 --> 00:12:40.709
Frozen yoghurt?

318
00:12:40.709 --> 00:12:43.310
That’s ‘froyo’...!

319
00:12:43.310 --> 00:12:45.400
They lost 2-1!

320
00:12:47.200 --> 00:12:50.430
They lost to Sorbet United.

321
00:12:50.430 --> 00:12:53.310
Absolutely done over by Yop, yeah.

322
00:12:53.310 --> 00:12:55.850
So they had these four matches in 2003.

323
00:12:55.850 --> 00:12:56.970
How did they do?

324
00:12:56.970 --> 00:00:56.400
All conclusive losses.

331
00:00:56.400 --> 00:00:57.700
Yes.

326
00:12:59.649 --> 00:13:00.649
Boom.

327
00:13:00.649 --> 00:13:01.649
How conclusive?

328
00:13:01.649 --> 00:13:02.649
Very.

329
00:13:02.649 --> 00:13:03.649
Yes, I'm going to...

330
00:13:03.649 --> 00:00:56.400
Like, double digits.

331
00:00:56.400 --> 00:00:57.700
Yes.

332
00:13:06.580 --> 00:13:08.880
Was it because Gibraltar
are a full nation now?

333
00:13:08.889 --> 00:13:11.650
So Gibraltar must have pasted at least 20,
or something like that.

334
00:13:11.650 --> 00:13:13.930
19-0, I’ll give you a point for that.

335
00:13:13.930 --> 00:13:16.020
It was 20-0 against the Isle of Wight.

336
00:13:16.020 --> 00:13:17.080
20!

337
00:13:17.080 --> 00:13:21.140
Full FIFA member, Isle of Wight, love it.

338
00:13:21.140 --> 00:13:23.440
Greenland, 16-0 against Sark.

339
00:13:23.440 --> 00:13:25.420
Frøya, 15-0 against Sark.

340
00:13:25.430 --> 00:13:26.529
They still tried!

341
00:13:26.529 --> 00:13:27.529
Lads...

342
00:13:27.529 --> 00:13:29.720
“No, no, we’re going to do it today.”

343
00:13:29.720 --> 00:13:30.720
They still turned up.

344
00:13:30.720 --> 00:13:33.140
Which is more than the England side do(!)

345
00:13:34.040 --> 00:13:35.139
Lads, we could do this.

346
00:13:35.140 --> 00:11:16.660
I’m sorry, we could be the first team to
go over and get beaten by Sark.

347
00:11:16.660 --> 00:11:17.720
Yes!

348
00:13:40.580 --> 00:13:42.420
Yeah. Goes on the list.

349
00:13:42.420 --> 00:13:45.000
- Yep.
- We would get in all of the Sark papers(!)

350
00:13:45.000 --> 00:13:46.520
- We would.
- We would.

351
00:13:46.520 --> 00:13:47.540
Dibs on goal.

352
00:13:47.540 --> 00:13:49.019
Oh, no, I’m ex-keeper.

353
00:13:49.020 --> 00:13:50.460
- Yeah, Gary is, actually...
- I don’t care, I called dibs first.

354
00:13:50.480 --> 00:13:52.019
Well, that’s fair.

355
00:13:52.019 --> 00:13:53.019
For one thing, we don’t want an ex-keeper.

356
00:13:53.019 --> 00:13:56.260
We want somebody who’s not going to bother
in goal so they win!

357
00:13:56.260 --> 00:13:57.839
Pull me up front!

358
00:13:57.840 --> 00:14:01.340
To be fair, that is how it also works in the
England team.

359
00:14:01.340 --> 00:14:02.420
“Dibs keeper”!

360
00:14:02.420 --> 00:14:04.860
Right, I’ll book the hovercraft.

361
00:14:05.740 --> 00:14:07.480
We can, no, I am genuinely up for this s***.

362
00:14:07.480 --> 00:14:08.480
I will do this.

363
00:14:08.480 --> 00:14:09.480
Put it on the list.

364
00:14:09.480 --> 00:14:11.690
I would love to have that, as the first team
to lose profe...

365
00:14:11.690 --> 00:14:13.490
We’re not from an island,
that’s the only problem.

366
00:14:13.490 --> 00:14:15.260
We’ll go and stand on
that one in Peasholm Park,

367
00:14:15.260 --> 00:14:16.980
put up a flag, take a picture and...

368
00:14:17.780 --> 00:14:18.780
Oh, yeah!

369
00:14:21.760 --> 00:14:23.379
Do you have a phone number for...

370
00:14:23.380 --> 00:14:24.379
Sark?

371
00:14:26.060 --> 00:14:28.420
I reckon they have more than one phone,
you know?

372
00:14:28.430 --> 00:14:29.709
Shall we ring them now?

373
00:14:29.709 --> 00:14:30.709
“Lads, lads, the phone’s ringing!”

374
00:14:30.709 --> 00:14:32.100
Entire town.

375
00:14:33.240 --> 00:14:34.240
“Yes?!”

376
00:14:34.240 --> 00:14:35.600
What happens is, he takes the message,

377
00:14:35.610 --> 00:14:38.629
sounds a bugle for the lord to come down and
be read the proclamation.

378
00:14:40.800 --> 00:14:44.160
“Hue and cry!
The mainland have challenged us to football.”

379
00:14:44.160 --> 00:14:46.149
“A duel of footer, you say?”

380
00:14:46.149 --> 00:14:50.120
He says, in his big chair in his hall, as
I imagine he still has.

381
00:14:50.120 --> 00:14:51.389
Shall I ring Sark now?

382
00:14:52.580 --> 00:14:54.300
- Do it.
- There’s no signal, there’s no signal.

383
00:14:54.300 --> 00:14:55.840
It’s a genuine thing, right?

384
00:14:55.840 --> 00:14:58.340
You’ve been playing good people,
it hasn’t worked out.

385
00:14:58.350 --> 00:14:59.430
We’re s***, right?

386
00:14:59.430 --> 00:15:01.019
And we know we are!

387
00:15:01.020 --> 00:15:02.240
Yeah!
♪ We're... ♪

388
00:15:03.940 --> 00:15:07.060
We’re Peasholm Park United, take it on.

389
00:15:07.060 --> 00:15:10.040
And on that, congratulations, Gary, you win
the show.

390
00:15:10.040 --> 00:15:11.960
Whoo-ah!

391
00:15:17.000 --> 00:15:21.820
You win a bright orange thing for a large
mustelid to bounce on in isolation.

392
00:15:22.600 --> 00:15:25.379
It’s a tangerine wolverine quarantine trampoline.

393
00:15:26.860 --> 00:15:28.280
So, do enjoy that.

394
00:15:28.280 --> 00:15:29.680
With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel.

395
00:15:29.700 --> 00:15:30.699
Oh! Yeah.

396
00:15:31.220 --> 00:15:32.220
To Gary Brannan.

397
00:15:33.380 --> 00:15:34.420
To Matt Gray.

398
00:15:34.420 --> 00:15:35.660
Good-bye-bye YouTube.

399
00:15:35.660 --> 00:15:37.260
I’ve been Tom Scott,
we’ll see you next time.