WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

1
00:00:03.050 --> 00:00:04.776
This is the Technical Difficulties, we’re
playing ‘Citation Needed’.

2
00:00:04.780 --> 00:00:07.020
Joining me today,
he reads books y'know, it’s Chris Joel.

3
00:00:07.020 --> 00:00:08.580
I thought o'summat on t'train, but it’s
gone now.

4
00:00:10.340 --> 00:00:12.590
Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan,
Gary Brannan.

5
00:00:12.590 --> 00:00:14.500
So in the end I just stocked up on booze from
the Tesco’s,

6
00:00:14.500 --> 00:00:16.200
had a massive dump and went to sleep.

7
00:00:19.320 --> 00:00:21.259
And the bounciest man on the internet, 
Matt Gray.

8
00:00:21.260 --> 00:00:23.700
And this is what a live studio audience applauding
sounds like!

9
00:00:26.970 --> 00:00:30.300
And today we are talking about 'Acoustic Kitty'.

10
00:00:30.300 --> 00:00:34.860
Is it when you don’t put the jack in before
you squeeze it?

11
00:00:34.860 --> 00:00:35.500
What?

12
00:00:37.140 --> 00:00:38.140
Acoustic kitty.

13
00:00:38.140 --> 00:00:39.390
Electric kitty!

14
00:00:39.390 --> 00:00:40.890
Right, yes.

15
00:00:40.890 --> 00:00:45.260
You’re playing a cat with a feedback pedal,
I get where you’re going with that.

16
00:00:45.260 --> 00:00:49.160
I didn’t get the 'jack' bit and I thought
it was like a car-jack or something.

17
00:00:49.160 --> 00:00:51.000
No, just grab the tail.

18
00:00:51.000 --> 00:00:53.179
No, that’s elevated kitty.

19
00:00:53.180 --> 00:00:55.400
Yes, if you did it with a cat’s tail they
do get, generally,

20
00:00:55.400 --> 00:00:56.660
a little bit higher each time.

21
00:00:56.660 --> 00:00:57.660
Top Cat!

22
00:00:59.050 --> 00:01:01.460
And when you take it out, low cat.

23
00:01:01.460 --> 00:01:03.560
Is it like some kind of loud bank?

24
00:01:04.500 --> 00:01:06.000
Oh, get out.

25
00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:07.080
Get out!

26
00:01:07.080 --> 00:01:08.870
I’ve just worked that one out.

27
00:01:08.870 --> 00:01:09.870
Get out.

28
00:01:09.870 --> 00:01:11.360
You’ve going to have to explain that one.

29
00:01:11.360 --> 00:01:12.780
Isn’t a kitty like a fund or something?

30
00:01:12.780 --> 00:01:13.900
Yes, it is.

31
00:01:15.740 --> 00:01:17.300
That got a boo!

32
00:01:17.300 --> 00:01:18.580
I’m all about the groaning today!

33
00:01:18.580 --> 00:01:21.860
Today, may I say, on behalf of us and the
entire audience,

34
00:01:21.860 --> 00:01:24.140
you are the f***ing worst.

35
00:01:24.140 --> 00:01:25.880
Oh, harsh(!)

36
00:01:25.880 --> 00:01:28.310
Surely every cat is acoustic?

37
00:01:28.310 --> 00:01:32.060
I'm telling you, man, not necessarily!

38
00:01:32.060 --> 00:01:34.880
So since Bob Dylan electrified his cat, then…?

39
00:01:34.880 --> 00:01:37.330
You’re actually in roughly the right era.

40
00:01:37.330 --> 00:01:38.330
So 1960s.

41
00:01:38.330 --> 00:01:39.330
Yes, absolutely.

42
00:01:39.330 --> 00:01:41.270
And it’s an actual cat.

43
00:01:41.270 --> 00:01:43.650
Yes, it is an actual cat.

44
00:01:43.650 --> 00:01:46.240
But, it’s not like cats were silent until
the '60s.

45
00:01:46.240 --> 00:01:48.820
It’s not like no one had ever, I don't know,
surprised one

46
00:01:48.820 --> 00:01:51.780
or stood on its tail,
or actually not fed one

47
00:01:51.780 --> 00:01:54.120
because, trust me, they are f***ing acoustic
when they’ve not been fed.

48
00:01:54.120 --> 00:01:57.380
I know, but until 1916 they used to have another,
smaller cat

49
00:01:57.380 --> 00:02:00.740
following them around with a series of placards
saying “meow” on them.

50
00:02:00.740 --> 00:02:04.780
Until, one day, the first cat burped,
and went...

51
00:02:06.460 --> 00:02:08.280
And they found their first talkie.

52
00:02:08.289 --> 00:02:11.760
I just had the worst and best idea
at the same time.

53
00:02:11.760 --> 00:02:13.860
Teach your cat to hook a little flag onto
its tail

54
00:02:13.860 --> 00:02:15.260
that says what it actually means.

55
00:02:16.590 --> 00:02:18.460
How would you train the cat in the first place?

56
00:02:18.460 --> 00:02:20.580
One of the flags it would need would be the
flag to say,

57
00:02:20.580 --> 00:02:22.100
“Don’t train me to hold up flags!”

58
00:02:22.140 --> 00:02:25.640
Can I just say, in the five seconds that I
had there to work this s*** out,

59
00:02:25.640 --> 00:02:27.500
at no point had I thought this through.

60
00:02:27.500 --> 00:02:28.690
That’s abundantly clear!

61
00:02:28.690 --> 00:02:30.780
Right, I thought, “Oh, you could do that”.

62
00:02:30.780 --> 00:02:32.970
By the time you started going,
I went, “Oh, you really can’t.”

63
00:02:32.970 --> 00:02:33.970
It’s fine.

64
00:02:33.970 --> 00:02:35.400
That’s how the process of discovery happens.

65
00:02:35.400 --> 00:02:36.400
Well!

66
00:02:36.400 --> 00:02:37.400
Look before you leap.

67
00:02:37.400 --> 00:02:40.319
Don’t nail flags to cats without considering
the consequences.

68
00:02:40.319 --> 00:02:41.680
I did not mention nails!

69
00:02:41.680 --> 00:02:42.940
I said hook.

70
00:02:42.940 --> 00:02:45.560
It’s a little thing like that, like you
get on a-

71
00:02:45.560 --> 00:02:46.440
What? A ringworm?

72
00:02:46.440 --> 00:02:47.440
No!

73
00:02:48.660 --> 00:02:50.980
I know the thing, it’s on the top of an
orange juice carton.

74
00:02:50.980 --> 00:02:51.960
One of those-

75
00:02:51.960 --> 00:02:53.520
- Ring-pull?
- Yes!

76
00:02:53.520 --> 00:02:55.300
How will that hold a flag on?

77
00:02:55.300 --> 00:02:57.620
- Glue!
- You want a ring-pull feline?

78
00:02:57.620 --> 00:02:59.600
Why just not nail it to the cat then?

79
00:02:59.600 --> 00:03:01.260
A ring-pull's for taking things off!

80
00:03:01.260 --> 00:03:04.180
Yes, but I’m finding another use for it,
for f***’s sake!

81
00:03:04.180 --> 00:03:05.140
Oh, you’re recycling now!

108
00:03:05.140 --> 00:03:06.560
Yes!

83
00:03:06.560 --> 00:03:08.320
- First buy your orange juice.
- Yes! Yes!

84
00:03:08.320 --> 00:03:10.600
- Pull the tab, place to one side.
- Yes!

85
00:03:10.600 --> 00:03:13.820
Drink the orange juice, cut the flag out of
the orange juice…

86
00:03:13.830 --> 00:03:16.920
So hold on, this is basically a cat saying,

87
00:03:16.920 --> 00:03:18.630
“orange juice” for the rest of its life?

88
00:03:18.630 --> 00:03:21.370
On the one side it says orange juice...

89
00:03:21.370 --> 00:03:22.370
...on the other side it says nothing!

90
00:03:22.370 --> 00:03:26.110
On the other it says, “Food” or, “Toilet”
or, “I hate you” or, “Ow.”

91
00:03:26.110 --> 00:03:28.650
And you’re going to train the cat to get
a different one...?

92
00:03:28.650 --> 00:03:30.780
Yes, I am, there’ll be...

93
00:03:30.780 --> 00:03:33.120
But they can’t use the scissors to cut out
the orange juice carton!

94
00:03:33.120 --> 00:03:34.720
They have a HUMAN HELPER!

95
00:03:34.720 --> 00:03:36.500
You haven’t thought this through!

96
00:03:36.500 --> 00:03:38.120
I know!

97
00:03:38.120 --> 00:03:39.540
Stop judging me!

98
00:03:39.540 --> 00:03:40.760
I have all these ideas, all the time!

99
00:03:40.760 --> 00:03:43.860
You’ve managed to catch one in the nth-of-a-second

100
00:03:43.860 --> 00:03:46.490
that the idea existed as a thing in my mind.

101
00:03:46.490 --> 00:03:47.819
Anybody else want to take a swing,

102
00:03:47.819 --> 00:03:49.510
just while we’ve got him on the run?

103
00:03:49.510 --> 00:03:50.510
While he's down?

104
00:03:50.510 --> 00:03:51.600
The thing is, amidst all that, Gary…

105
00:03:51.600 --> 00:03:53.600
- Oh god.
- Don’t tell me he’s got a point.

106
00:03:53.600 --> 00:03:57.680
You were talking about terrible ideas that
briefly sounded like a good thing,

107
00:03:57.680 --> 00:03:05.140
and I’m giving you a point for it.

108
00:03:05.140 --> 00:03:06.560
Yes!

109
00:04:05.780 --> 00:04:06.700
Here we go…

110
00:04:06.700 --> 00:04:10.560
Isn't there a thing in 'Monty Python' where
they hit mice to make an instrument?

111
00:04:10.569 --> 00:04:12.510
Is that like an acoustic kitty but with-

112
00:04:12.510 --> 00:04:15.210
You’re thinking the wrong way round here.

113
00:04:15.210 --> 00:04:17.380
You’re thinking production of noise.

114
00:04:17.380 --> 00:04:18.630
A listening cat?

115
00:04:18.630 --> 00:04:20.220
Espionage?

209
00:04:22.220 --> 00:04:26.940
F***!

117
00:04:26.940 --> 00:04:30.520
So, you feed the cat LSD to achieve mind control,

118
00:04:30.520 --> 00:04:33.169
put on your tinfoil hat and send it to listen.

119
00:04:33.169 --> 00:04:35.020
- You’ve got one part of that right...
- Tinfoil hat!

120
00:04:35.020 --> 00:04:37.140
and it’s not the LSD or the tinfoil hat.

121
00:04:37.140 --> 00:04:38.620
Tinfoil cat!

122
00:04:40.020 --> 00:04:42.319
So, they’ve strapped a tape recorder or
something to a cat

123
00:04:42.319 --> 00:04:43.650
and let it wander in places.

124
00:04:43.650 --> 00:04:45.940
A big reel-to-reel on the back.

125
00:04:45.940 --> 00:04:47.060
A big Uher on the back!

126
00:04:48.330 --> 00:04:49.840
I’ll give you the point,

127
00:04:49.840 --> 00:04:53.520
they did attach something to it but it wasn’t
a big reel-to-reel tape.

128
00:04:53.520 --> 00:04:55.160
Oh, it’d be a radio transmitter...

129
00:04:55.160 --> 00:04:56.240
Rockets!

130
00:04:56.240 --> 00:04:57.460
Yes…

156
00:04:58.340 --> 00:04:59.340
No.

132
00:04:59.340 --> 00:05:01.039
It’s got to get there, and they don’t
walk far.

133
00:05:01.039 --> 00:05:02.039
You’ve absolutely right.

134
00:05:02.039 --> 00:05:03.039
You’ve also used the word ‘strap’,

135
00:05:03.039 --> 00:05:04.689
I’m giving you a point for radio transmitter,

136
00:05:04.689 --> 00:05:05.920
but strap is definitely not right.

137
00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:07.220
Implant?

138
00:05:07.220 --> 00:05:09.080
- Absolutely right.
- What?!

139
00:05:09.080 --> 00:05:10.960
Apparently, I’m the sensible one this
episode.

327
00:05:10.969 --> 00:05:11.969
Yes.

141
00:05:11.969 --> 00:05:15.569
So, me putting my cat in a dress
for medical reasons is weird

142
00:05:15.569 --> 00:05:17.930
but implanting a microphone in a cat,
totes normal.

143
00:05:17.930 --> 00:05:19.699
That’s the way today’s going for everybody.

144
00:05:19.699 --> 00:05:22.289
Yes, in an hour-long procedure
a veterinary surgeon implanted

145
00:05:22.289 --> 00:05:24.720
a microphone in the cat’s ear canal

146
00:05:24.720 --> 00:05:25.600
Oh...

147
00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:27.500
a small radio transmitter
at the base of its skull

148
00:05:27.500 --> 00:05:28.160
Oh!

149
00:05:28.160 --> 00:05:29.800
and a thin wire into its fur.

150
00:05:29.800 --> 00:05:30.800
Agh!

151
00:05:32.080 --> 00:05:33.340
That’s what the cat said.

152
00:05:33.340 --> 00:05:36.810
I like the fact it’s a perfectly normal
looking cat after this,

153
00:05:36.810 --> 00:05:40.479
apart from the aerial with the red flashing
light on top.

154
00:05:40.479 --> 00:05:43.010
Who might’ve done that?

155
00:05:43.010 --> 00:04:58.340
Is it... is it... is it Russia?

156
00:04:58.340 --> 00:04:59.340
No.

157
00:05:46.500 --> 00:05:10.969
Is it... is it... is it America?

327
00:05:10.969 --> 00:05:11.969
Yes.

159
00:05:50.260 --> 00:05:54.140
Yes, it was the CIA Directorate
of Science and Technology.

160
00:05:54.150 --> 00:05:58.659
How the hell did the CIA manage to out-weird
Russian intelligence?

161
00:05:58.659 --> 00:06:01.419
They probably didn’t, but we don’t know
what the Russians were up to,

162
00:06:01.419 --> 00:06:02.610
because of Russian intelligence.

163
00:06:02.610 --> 00:06:04.430
While they were implanting
microphones in cats

164
00:06:04.430 --> 00:06:08.039
the Russians were firing theirs into
the icy vacuum of space, let’s face it.

165
00:06:08.039 --> 00:06:10.539
With even bigger antennas!

166
00:06:10.539 --> 00:06:13.990
Yes, it was the CIA from America.

167
00:06:13.990 --> 00:06:18.080
The idea being that the cat
would wander into a place

168
00:06:18.080 --> 00:06:19.759
and just be surreptitiously recording things.

169
00:06:19.760 --> 00:06:22.180
Let me guess, the cat didn’t wander where
they wanted it to wander.

170
00:06:22.180 --> 00:05:10.969
Because it's a cat.

327
00:05:10.969 --> 00:05:11.969
Yes.

172
00:06:25.140 --> 00:06:27.469
What they did they have to do another operation
to get around?

173
00:06:27.469 --> 00:06:29.659
Oh no, this isn’t the old woman
who swallowed a fly is it?

174
00:06:29.659 --> 00:06:32.979
They don’t end up sending an elephant in
to distract from the cat?

175
00:06:32.979 --> 00:06:35.860
They’ve invented, by the way, the Cyberman
cat there, incidentally!

176
00:06:35.860 --> 00:06:37.750
Because they've been replacing parts.

177
00:06:37.750 --> 00:06:38.750
Make them bionic.

178
00:06:38.750 --> 00:06:40.059
But, how can you…

179
00:06:40.059 --> 00:06:44.080
I can only go in grim places to what they
had to do to fix…

180
00:06:44.080 --> 00:06:46.639
They bypassed the cat’s sense of hunger,
apparently.

181
00:06:46.640 --> 00:06:48.260
- Oh, for... how?!
- What?!

182
00:06:48.260 --> 00:06:49.700
- Grim.
- I’m just quoting what it says here.

183
00:06:49.700 --> 00:06:50.840
It is grim.

184
00:06:50.840 --> 00:06:52.699
Cats are always hungry.

185
00:06:52.699 --> 00:06:55.650
Yes, that was one of the problems with it.

186
00:06:55.650 --> 00:06:58.080
The CIA really know what tuna sounds like.

187
00:06:59.580 --> 00:07:01.560
(Is that what cats eat?
I’ve never fed one.)

188
00:07:02.180 --> 00:07:04.060
So, how much did this cost?

189
00:07:04.069 --> 00:07:06.629
To get a cat, to do the research-

190
00:07:06.629 --> 00:07:08.030
Well, the cat’s cheap.

191
00:07:08.030 --> 00:07:13.199
Yes, to be fair, the cat was probably cheap
but the entire project here,

192
00:07:13.199 --> 00:07:15.990
according to Victor Marchetti,
former CIA officer,

193
00:07:15.990 --> 00:07:21.069
how much did they spend on a... on a cat?

194
00:07:21.069 --> 00:07:23.229
Was it a dollar sign
with the word "ridiculous" after it?

195
00:07:23.229 --> 00:07:24.310
Hang on, Price is Right rules?

196
00:07:24.310 --> 00:07:26.979
Yeah, Price is Right rules, closest one without
going over.

197
00:07:26.979 --> 00:07:28.270
We’re in dollars, yes?

198
00:07:28.270 --> 00:07:29.270
Yes, we’re in US dollars.

199
00:07:29.270 --> 00:07:30.490
US dollars in the 1960s,

200
00:07:30.490 --> 00:07:32.710
so it’s about half what you have now.

201
00:07:32.710 --> 00:07:33.889
I’m going to say half-a-million.

202
00:07:33.889 --> 00:07:34.899
He’s saying half-a-million.

203
00:07:34.900 --> 00:07:36.580
“One million dollars.”

204
00:07:36.580 --> 00:07:38.430
Now, we know what you do now.

205
00:07:38.430 --> 00:07:40.310
Is he going to do the $1 bid,
or is he going to go high?

206
00:07:40.310 --> 00:07:42.009
Well, I’m not going high, I was going to
say $150,000

207
00:07:42.009 --> 00:07:44.249
but you pointed to him first.

208
00:07:44.249 --> 00:04:22.220
Well, you’re correct
but you’re not even close, $20m.

209
00:04:22.220 --> 00:04:26.940
F***!

210
00:07:50.200 --> 00:07:51.569
So they got the cat.

211
00:07:51.569 --> 00:07:52.979
No way, really?

212
00:07:52.979 --> 00:07:55.099
They implanted things in the cat.

213
00:07:55.099 --> 00:07:57.099
Where did they release the cat?

214
00:07:57.099 --> 00:08:00.159
Okay, not... surely not in the abroads?

215
00:08:00.159 --> 00:08:03.500
No, it was in America, I’ll give you that.

216
00:08:03.500 --> 00:08:05.000
Embassy Row, if there is such a thing,

217
00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:06.449
in New York, or Washington or something.

218
00:08:06.449 --> 00:08:10.629
Yes, you’re absolutely right, the Soviet
compound in Washington DC.

219
00:08:10.629 --> 00:08:12.990
So, someone walked up to the Soviet compound,

220
00:08:12.990 --> 00:08:15.253
- bunged a cat over the wall...
- threw a cat at it!

221
00:08:15.253 --> 00:08:16.580
Or was it parachuted in?

222
00:08:16.580 --> 00:08:19.780
No, the first mission was to eavesdrop on
two men in a park out...

223
00:08:19.780 --> 00:08:21.420
...sorry, parachuted?!

224
00:08:22.740 --> 00:08:24.160
Yeah!

225
00:08:25.320 --> 00:08:29.600
I’m not entirely convinced that a cat is
going to be really good at pulling its rip-cord.

226
00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:31.820
It’s coming from low-altitude, it’ll have
the wire that...

227
00:08:31.820 --> 00:08:33.820
- It's a static line.
- Oh, wire attached to it.

228
00:08:33.820 --> 00:08:34.880
Ha-ha!

229
00:08:34.880 --> 00:08:36.420
Not so stupid now.

230
00:08:37.220 --> 00:08:39.000
They released it.

231
00:08:39.000 --> 00:08:41.490
It did wander towards the park bench.

232
00:08:41.490 --> 00:08:42.490
What happened?

233
00:08:42.490 --> 00:08:43.899
It died of hunger because they’d bypassed
its hunger centre.

234
00:08:43.899 --> 00:08:45.870
I was going to say,
they bypassed its hunger centre,

235
00:08:45.870 --> 00:08:47.520
but it'd go in to the kitchen
and eat all the lovely tuna

236
00:08:47.520 --> 00:08:49.800
that had been left cooling on a window-sill,
or something like that.

237
00:08:49.800 --> 00:08:52.290
Put a wee flag up saying, “I’m a spy.”

238
00:08:52.290 --> 00:08:53.880
Did it immediately have a dump?

239
00:08:53.880 --> 00:08:54.920
Yeah, mark its territory.

240
00:08:54.920 --> 00:08:56.480
And that’s all that was recorded.

241
00:08:56.480 --> 00:08:57.480
Marking its territory, yes.

242
00:08:57.480 --> 00:08:58.880
It is, sadly, a little bit harsher.

243
00:08:58.880 --> 00:09:00.060
Oh, hit by a car.

244
00:09:00.060 --> 00:09:02.300
Yes, hit by a taxi immediately.

245
00:09:02.840 --> 00:09:04.100
Oh, we're all the worst...

246
00:09:04.100 --> 00:09:06.560
The twenty million dollar cat...

247
00:09:07.680 --> 00:09:09.800
“We can rebuild it!...
oh actually, never mind.”

248
00:09:10.420 --> 00:09:12.980
...was hit by a taxi almost immediately.

249
00:09:12.990 --> 00:09:15.300
Are these guys with dark glasses,

250
00:09:15.300 --> 00:09:18.250
dark car parked over the round from the compound,

251
00:09:18.250 --> 00:09:20.079
releasing the cat out of the boot of the car...

252
00:09:20.080 --> 00:09:21.860
"Good work agent, and now we..."

253
00:09:22.810 --> 00:09:26.300
The former Director of the CIA Technical Service

254
00:09:26.300 --> 00:09:30.490
said that’s an urban myth, and the actual
problem with it was what?

255
00:09:30.490 --> 00:09:31.490
It walked off.

256
00:09:31.490 --> 00:09:34.920
Yes, training the cat, I’ll give you the
point for that.

257
00:09:34.920 --> 00:09:38.240
The project was considered to be a failure
and a total loss.

258
00:09:38.240 --> 00:09:39.240
What happened to the cat?

259
00:09:39.240 --> 00:09:41.480
Well, you just said it got run over.

260
00:09:41.480 --> 00:09:43.830
Did it have a proper military burial?

261
00:09:43.830 --> 00:09:45.449
No, this is the alternate story.

262
00:09:45.449 --> 00:09:46.449
This is what the CIA-

263
00:09:46.449 --> 00:09:51.959
Did it defect to work for the other side?

264
00:09:51.959 --> 00:09:54.449
I like that idea because clearly the Russians
have better tuna.

265
00:09:54.449 --> 00:09:59.120
It goes through the gate, on the other side
is a Russian Blue.

266
00:09:59.120 --> 00:10:00.470
“Welcome, Agent Tiddles.”

267
00:10:02.560 --> 00:10:04.800
If the Russians had better tuna...

268
00:10:04.800 --> 00:10:08.560
they’d be able to pick up on the frequencies
transmitted by it better.

269
00:10:08.560 --> 00:10:09.560
Tuner, oh…

270
00:10:09.560 --> 00:10:11.500
Radio tuner, oh my god.

271
00:10:17.100 --> 00:10:18.620
Four. It’s passed the boundary.

272
00:10:18.620 --> 00:10:19.600
Snuck over.

273
00:10:19.600 --> 00:10:21.020
Yes, I’m sorry, it’s an ugly four, though,

274
00:10:21.020 --> 00:10:22.760
it really is, it’s off the edge.

275
00:10:22.760 --> 00:10:24.640
According to that CIA Director,

276
00:10:24.640 --> 00:10:27.320
what happened to that cat once they ended
the program?

277
00:10:27.320 --> 00:10:29.410
Did it just go and live with other people
all the time,

278
00:10:29.410 --> 00:10:30.839
picking up on hilarious conversations

279
00:10:30.839 --> 00:10:33.699
that could be made into an excellent film
now I’ve just thought of it?

280
00:10:33.699 --> 00:05:10.969
There’s a cracking kids’ book in that.

327
00:05:10.969 --> 00:05:11.969
Yes.

282
00:10:36.321 --> 00:10:38.880
Yes, the equipment was taken out of the cat,
the cat was resewn.

283
00:10:38.880 --> 00:10:42.959
Hang on, that’s two massive things you’ve
just skipped over there.

284
00:10:42.959 --> 00:10:46.480
One, "the equipment was taken out of the cat"
is a sentence

285
00:10:46.480 --> 00:10:50.380
that I’m pretty hopeful would only be heard
in this room today,

286
00:10:51.420 --> 00:10:54.120
and, “The cat was sewn up.”

287
00:10:54.120 --> 00:10:57.810
Yes, it was, and lived a long and happy life
afterwards.

288
00:10:57.810 --> 00:11:00.900
I’m going with hypothesis A somehow.

289
00:11:00.900 --> 00:11:03.880
I can only imagine that it actually
got shipped off to Portmeirion

290
00:11:03.880 --> 00:11:05.990
and it’s now wearing a little blue blazer

291
00:11:05.990 --> 00:11:08.920
and being chased by just a normal sized balloon
down a beach.

292
00:11:13.000 --> 00:11:14.520
It’s a slow burning
‘Prisoner’ reference there.

293
00:11:14.520 --> 00:11:15.840
That was a slow burn.

294
00:11:15.840 --> 00:11:17.500
This is getting some weird reactive wave.

295
00:11:17.509 --> 00:11:21.420
Anyone who’s seen ‘The Prisoner’,
that landed, that was good.

296
00:11:21.420 --> 00:11:22.930
I’m envisioning the whole thing now.

297
00:11:22.930 --> 00:11:24.639
You can see the whole title sequence,
can't you?

298
00:11:24.639 --> 00:11:27.540
Entertain yourselves, this is a good half-hour
for me now.

299
00:11:27.540 --> 00:11:29.910
I have managed to pull up here something from

300
00:11:29.910 --> 00:11:33.329
the actual National Archives
of the United States,

301
00:11:33.329 --> 00:11:35.390
a redacted document.

302
00:11:35.390 --> 00:11:36.490
About a cat?

303
00:11:36.490 --> 00:11:38.440
What did they think they could do with cats?

304
00:11:38.440 --> 00:11:39.720
Distractionating!

305
00:11:39.720 --> 00:11:41.180
While a better trained animal

306
00:11:41.190 --> 00:11:42.199
actually goes and does the listening.

307
00:11:42.199 --> 00:11:44.300
What, like a chimp with a little microphone?

308
00:11:44.300 --> 00:11:45.550
And a suit, and shaved.

309
00:11:45.550 --> 00:11:47.190
Obviously, you’ve got to blend in.

310
00:11:47.190 --> 00:11:48.319
In fact, just a small person.

311
00:11:48.319 --> 00:11:49.860
We could even use full-sized people.

312
00:11:49.860 --> 00:11:51.540
We could call them spies!

313
00:11:53.280 --> 00:11:55.949
“That’s a step too far, agent.”

314
00:11:55.949 --> 00:11:56.949
“Okay...!”

315
00:11:56.949 --> 00:11:58.819
I suppose, the only thing a cat can do is

316
00:11:58.819 --> 00:12:02.329
just wander in unexpected and everyone be
fine with that.

317
00:12:02.329 --> 00:12:05.420
Yes, you’re absolutely right, trained to
walk short distances.

318
00:12:07.149 --> 00:12:11.220
That was $20m and high-tech cat bug equipment-

319
00:12:11.220 --> 00:12:13.400
- To go 5 metres?
- Yes.

320
00:12:13.400 --> 00:12:15.200
And only if they wanted to go that way anyway.

321
00:12:15.209 --> 00:12:16.600
Why don't you just lob it?

322
00:12:16.600 --> 00:12:18.000
Again, however, and I’m quoting here,

323
00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:21.490
“The environmental and security factors
force us to conclude that,

324
00:12:21.490 --> 00:12:23.940
“for our purposes, it would not be practical.”

325
00:12:24.820 --> 00:12:27.440
“But, damn it, we tried”, basically.

326
00:12:27.450 --> 00:05:10.969
Have you ever had an essay where you know
your conclusion is terrible?

327
00:05:10.969 --> 00:05:11.969
Yes.

328
00:12:32.870 --> 00:12:35.129
But you have to write a conclusion anyway.

329
00:12:36.129 --> 00:12:39.220
“The work done on this problem over the
years reflects great credit

330
00:12:39.220 --> 00:12:42.709
“on the personnel who guided it,
particularly... 'redacted',

331
00:12:42.709 --> 00:12:47.580
“whose energy and imagination could be models
for scientific pioneers.”

332
00:12:50.020 --> 00:12:52.260
S***, I probably know the guy, yeah.

333
00:12:52.260 --> 00:12:57.899
There is a connection here to an article labelled
‘remote control animal’.

334
00:12:57.899 --> 00:12:58.899
What?!

335
00:12:58.899 --> 00:13:02.319
Is that an animal used to remote control or
remote control of an animal?

336
00:13:02.319 --> 00:13:03.319
Remote control of an animal.

337
00:13:03.319 --> 00:13:04.319
Ohh…

338
00:13:04.319 --> 00:13:05.319
'Cos the other way round they use pigeons
for bombs.

339
00:13:05.319 --> 00:13:06.800
I was going to say, pigeons in bombs.

340
00:13:06.800 --> 00:13:08.290
The Brits did that, I think.

341
00:13:08.290 --> 00:13:11.470
They put a pigeon in a bomb and they trained
it to peck on cities.

444
00:13:11.470 --> 00:13:12.470
Yes, you’re absolutely right.

343
00:13:12.470 --> 00:13:14.490
It pecked on a bit of glass and which bit
of glass they did

344
00:13:14.490 --> 00:13:16.611
pulled a lever which made the bomb turn,

345
00:13:16.611 --> 00:13:19.839
and then it went down to the ground.

346
00:13:19.839 --> 00:13:21.569
It landed.

347
00:13:21.569 --> 00:13:24.560
Well done there, that was worth it.

348
00:13:26.280 --> 00:13:27.680
So, it wasn’t that?

349
00:13:27.680 --> 00:13:30.360
No, it wasn’t,
but that’s a brilliant story.

350
00:13:30.370 --> 00:13:32.980
Yes, it was BF Skinner’s pigeon controlled
guided bomb.

351
00:13:32.980 --> 00:13:34.130
How do you think that worked?

352
00:13:34.130 --> 00:13:37.370
What, for the pigeon it sounds pretty s***
either way, I'll be honest.

353
00:13:37.370 --> 00:13:39.300
What did we call this weapon, incidentally?

354
00:13:39.300 --> 00:13:40.300
Er, Project Pigeon.

355
00:13:40.300 --> 00:13:41.300
That’s a shame.

356
00:13:41.300 --> 00:13:42.300
Clever. Clever.

357
00:13:44.260 --> 00:13:46.980
I was going to go for the V-Coo.

358
00:13:46.990 --> 00:13:49.879
Did Churchill not like the idea?

359
00:13:49.879 --> 00:13:51.410
Is this one of these where you could flick
a coin

360
00:13:51.410 --> 00:13:53.730
and on Monday he’d like it and on Tuesday
he’d hate it?

361
00:13:53.730 --> 00:13:56.040
"Our problem was no one would take us seriously."

362
00:13:57.320 --> 00:13:59.780
Well, if you’re going to call it
Operation Hilarious Pigeon Bomb,

363
00:13:59.790 --> 00:14:02.230
or whatever they called it…!

364
00:14:02.230 --> 00:14:04.100
There was also the Bat Bomb.

365
00:14:04.100 --> 00:14:06.819
They attached incendiary bombs to bats

366
00:14:06.819 --> 00:14:10.519
and then dropped a casing with 1000 bats on
woodland.

367
00:14:10.519 --> 00:14:13.110
F... what?!

368
00:14:13.110 --> 00:14:14.860
Incendiary bomb: thus.

369
00:14:14.860 --> 00:14:16.620
Bat: that.

370
00:14:16.620 --> 00:14:17.850
Small incendiary bomb.

371
00:14:17.850 --> 00:14:19.970
What, like matches basically then?

372
00:14:19.970 --> 00:14:20.970
Firecrackers.

373
00:14:20.970 --> 00:14:22.040
Yes, the idea being that it was on somewhere

374
00:14:22.040 --> 00:14:24.139
that had a lot of tinder and kindling,

375
00:14:24.139 --> 00:14:27.709
and if you have hundreds of bats, one of them’s
going to find the target.

376
00:14:27.709 --> 00:14:29.500
- That is horrific.
- Yes.

377
00:14:29.500 --> 00:14:30.700
I like the fact that the first time
they tested it

378
00:14:30.709 --> 00:14:33.310
they're flying over the target, the pulled
the lever on the bomb bay,

379
00:14:33.310 --> 00:14:35.490
and the bats are just hung upside down in
the bomber.

380
00:14:35.490 --> 00:14:37.339
And on the clipboard he just writes,

381
00:14:37.340 --> 00:14:39.600
“maybe try night-time”
or something like that.

382
00:14:40.980 --> 00:14:43.660
It’s just a bloke in a white coat.

383
00:14:43.660 --> 00:14:44.660
“Hmm, yes.”

384
00:14:44.660 --> 00:14:47.000
“Bats insufficiently motivated.”

385
00:14:48.700 --> 00:14:51.720
It did, apparently, work.

386
00:14:51.720 --> 00:14:52.740
Astonishingly enough.

387
00:14:52.740 --> 00:14:56.800
What, dropping 1000 small incendiary bombs
caused a fire?

388
00:14:56.800 --> 00:14:57.800
One is stunned!

389
00:14:57.800 --> 00:15:01.680
The bats seem incidental to this process actually,
right now.

390
00:15:01.680 --> 00:15:04.629
They were more about distribution, where did
it set fire to first?

391
00:15:04.629 --> 00:15:05.940
- The bat houses.
- The plane.

392
00:15:05.940 --> 00:15:08.820
Yes, pretty much, an auxiliary airbase where
they were testing it and it got away.

393
00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:11.180
It’s not great, have a point.

394
00:15:11.180 --> 00:15:13.100
“Wait a minute, it’s night-time!”

395
00:15:13.560 --> 00:15:14.560
“S***.”

396
00:15:14.740 --> 00:15:16.280
“We used homing pigeons!

397
00:15:16.280 --> 00:15:18.480
“And for some reason they keep coming home.”

398
00:15:18.480 --> 00:15:22.380
The bats incinerated the test range and roosted
under a fuel tank.

399
00:15:23.240 --> 00:15:24.280
Fuel tank?!

400
00:15:24.280 --> 00:15:26.000
- Fuel tank, yes.
- Whaaa!

401
00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:27.579
It worked.

402
00:15:27.579 --> 00:15:28.579
It was effective,

403
00:15:28.579 --> 00:15:31.180
and then computer control came in a few years
later when the war ended.

404
00:15:31.180 --> 00:15:32.180
What, of bats?

405
00:15:32.180 --> 00:15:33.509
Well that’s where we started, isn’t it?

406
00:15:33.509 --> 00:15:34.509
This is a tangent.

407
00:15:34.509 --> 00:15:36.130
Can you imagine that at the start?

408
00:15:36.130 --> 00:15:37.900
“What caused the fire?”

409
00:15:37.920 --> 00:15:38.680
“Bats.”

410
00:15:38.680 --> 00:15:40.340
“How did the bats start a fire?”

411
00:15:40.340 --> 00:15:42.120
“I strapped a bomb to them.”

412
00:15:42.840 --> 00:15:43.960
“What happened?”

413
00:15:43.960 --> 00:15:45.660
“Went in the fuel tank at night.”

414
00:15:45.660 --> 00:15:48.240
“Oh, for God’s sake.
What else have you done?”

415
00:15:48.240 --> 00:15:49.560
“Homing pigeons.”

416
00:15:49.560 --> 00:15:51.920
“Oh no, no, no, no, no.”

417
00:15:51.930 --> 00:15:53.150
“Salmon with warheads on.”

418
00:15:53.150 --> 00:15:55.579
“Oh s***, they’re going to come back
aren’t they?”

419
00:15:55.579 --> 00:15:58.500
Are there still bats out there that have to
be defused, I wonder, after the war?

420
00:15:58.500 --> 00:16:01.860
I don’t think bats live that long, I'll
be honest with you.

421
00:16:01.860 --> 00:16:03.480
‘Warning, unexploded bat.’

422
00:16:03.490 --> 00:16:05.930
Did they evolve to have
incendiary bombs in them?

423
00:16:05.930 --> 00:16:08.350
That’s... not how evolution works.

424
00:16:08.350 --> 00:16:09.350
Yet.

425
00:16:09.350 --> 00:16:10.800
Tell that to the bombardier beetle.

426
00:16:10.800 --> 00:16:15.649
There was also, and this is a brief and quite
dark story

427
00:16:15.649 --> 00:16:16.649
but I’m going to go with it anyway-

428
00:16:16.649 --> 00:16:18.500
Oh yes, because that will change the tone
of the episode.

429
00:16:18.500 --> 00:16:19.540
The anti-tank dog.

430
00:16:21.080 --> 00:16:22.550
Alright, yeah, okay.

431
00:16:22.550 --> 00:16:24.019
One louder, fine(!)

432
00:16:24.019 --> 00:16:26.259
Was it a dog that really didn’t like tanks?

433
00:16:26.259 --> 00:16:29.950
Well it didn’t when it hit 'em.

434
00:16:29.950 --> 00:16:32.329
Quite the opposite.

435
00:16:32.329 --> 00:16:34.420
Trained to associate
the image of a tank with food,

436
00:16:34.420 --> 00:16:36.010
run towards it with...

437
00:16:36.010 --> 00:16:38.680
- Bomb on.
- Yes. Spot on. What was the...

438
00:16:38.680 --> 00:16:40.660
Well, Spot was all over it by the end of it.

439
00:16:42.100 --> 00:16:44.670
“Run Spot, run...!”

440
00:16:44.670 --> 00:16:46.291
There was one slight problem.

441
00:16:46.291 --> 00:16:48.949
This was a Soviet plan, what was the problem
with the plan?

442
00:16:48.949 --> 00:16:51.730
'Cos they actually got to the point of releasing
dogs on the battlefield.

443
00:16:51.730 --> 00:13:11.470
Ran towards T34s instead of Tigers.

444
00:13:11.470 --> 00:13:12.470
Yes, you’re absolutely right.

445
00:16:54.480 --> 00:17:00.389
They were trained on Soviet tanks so they
ran towards the Soviet tanks.

446
00:17:00.389 --> 00:17:02.550
I am thick as mince,

447
00:17:02.550 --> 00:17:06.000
and even I can see where that’s going wrong,
right?

448
00:17:06.000 --> 00:17:07.390
Just make a cardboard cut-out.

449
00:17:07.390 --> 00:17:10.370
Or a balloon, or something like that, yeah.

450
00:17:10.370 --> 00:17:11.750
There were some successful deployments

451
00:17:11.750 --> 00:17:14.560
but they eventually realised that was not
a great idea.

452
00:17:14.560 --> 00:17:18.141
I think that may have to be
where we call this-

453
00:17:18.141 --> 00:17:19.640
On that massive downer.

454
00:17:19.640 --> 00:17:21.720
Well, I was going to say, “On that bombshell,” but...

455
00:17:25.380 --> 00:17:30.560
At the end of the show, congratulations Matt,
you win this one.

456
00:17:30.570 --> 00:17:31.570
Yay!

457
00:17:31.570 --> 00:17:33.260
Very clearly, you win this one.

458
00:17:36.660 --> 00:17:40.600
You win some rice, raw fish and seaweed in
the shape of a luxury car.

459
00:17:40.600 --> 00:17:42.900
It’s a sushi Rolls Royce.

460
00:17:43.900 --> 00:17:46.290
With that we say thank you to Chris Joel.

461
00:17:46.290 --> 00:17:47.700
Bye then.

462
00:17:47.700 --> 00:17:48.960
To Gary Brannan.

463
00:17:49.830 --> 00:17:51.140
To Matt Gray.

464
00:17:51.140 --> 00:17:53.400
I’ve been Tom Scott,
we’ll see you next time.

465
00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:01.500
And thank you to you.

466
00:18:01.500 --> 00:18:02.610
Thank you so much.

467
00:18:03.520 --> 00:18:05.760
Man, that got dark.

468
00:18:05.760 --> 00:18:07.060
Yeah...