WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

1
00:00:05.400 --> 00:00:07.800
This is the Technical Difficulties.
We're playing Citation Needed.

2
00:00:07.800 --> 00:00:09.720
Joining me today:
He reads books, you know — it's Chris Joel!

3
00:00:10.040 --> 00:00:11.240
Hiyo.

4
00:00:13.040 --> 00:00:15.060
Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan — Gary Brannan!

5
00:00:15.240 --> 00:00:19.960
[To the tune of 'Born Free']
'Porn free... as free as your mam blows...'

6
00:00:25.380 --> 00:00:28.040
And the bounciest man on this stage — Matt Gray!

7
00:00:28.260 --> 00:00:29.880
Hello you... lot!

8
00:00:34.400 --> 00:00:37.800
In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia
and these folks can't see it.

9
00:00:37.800 --> 00:00:39.680
Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING],

10
00:00:39.680 --> 00:00:41.980
And there's a special prize for
particularly good answers, which is...

11
00:00:42.660 --> 00:00:43.860
[Audience sings]

12
00:00:44.820 --> 00:00:45.700
ALL: Oh yeah.

13
00:00:47.040 --> 00:00:48.640
GARY: What have we done?

14
00:00:50.520 --> 00:00:55.920
And today, we are talking about
the Ice Block Expedition of 1959.

15
00:00:56.480 --> 00:00:58.620
Is this like King Cnut holding back the tide?

16
00:00:58.620 --> 00:01:00.860
Trying to stop it melting by sheer force of will?

17
00:01:01.520 --> 00:01:02.720
MATT: Who's Will?

18
00:01:02.920 --> 00:01:05.200
Well, this is the problem with the expedition.

19
00:01:05.200 --> 00:01:08.920
They couldn't find enough people called
Bill, Will and William or Willis to take along,

20
00:01:08.920 --> 00:01:11.240
which is why it's failed,
which is why the ice caps are still melting.

21
00:01:11.380 --> 00:01:12.020
MATT: Oh.

22
00:01:12.200 --> 00:01:15.040
Well, that's called, they all have bread-making
hands and they're all too warm.

23
00:01:15.040 --> 00:01:17.840
You need them to be pastry hands to do that,
they're all cold, don't you.

24
00:01:17.840 --> 00:01:18.640
TOM: What?!

25
00:01:18.780 --> 00:01:20.680
Oh, for the love of f***! Look...

26
00:01:22.880 --> 00:01:24.920
If you've got 'bread-making hands',
you've got warm hands,

27
00:01:24.920 --> 00:01:26.920
because you need warm hands to activate the yeast.

28
00:01:26.920 --> 00:01:29.220
If you've got cold hands, you've got
'pastry-making hands',

29
00:01:29.220 --> 00:01:31.640
because that keeps the pastry cold
and the butter doesn't melt...

30
00:01:31.640 --> 00:01:32.940
...dickhead.

381
00:01:33.580 --> 00:01:42.160
[Laughter]

32
00:01:42.160 --> 00:01:44.740
So if you've got bread-making hands,
you can melt dickheads?

33
00:01:44.860 --> 00:01:45.580
GARY: Yes.

34
00:01:45.740 --> 00:01:47.440
CHRIS: Is it like a superpower?
GARY: Go!

35
00:01:48.320 --> 00:01:49.760
Yaargh!

36
00:01:51.420 --> 00:01:53.180
S***test superhero ever.

37
00:01:54.020 --> 00:01:55.620
Bread-Making Hand Man!

38
00:01:55.860 --> 00:01:57.340
Bellend Melter!

39
00:01:58.760 --> 00:02:01.260
Somebody'd pay for that, you know that, don't you?

40
00:02:02.600 --> 00:02:04.440
This was a publicity stunt.

41
00:02:04.440 --> 00:02:08.220
In fact, it was called the biggest
publicity stunt the world had ever seen.

42
00:02:08.340 --> 00:02:13.920
MATT: Was this a beverage company trying to serve
their drinks with 'Arctic Ice!' or something like that?

43
00:02:14.060 --> 00:02:15.800
TOM: I'm going to give you a point for 'arctic ice'...
[DING]

44
00:02:15.800 --> 00:02:17.200
TOM: Because it was starting from —

45
00:02:17.320 --> 00:02:19.960
This is a 'no', isn't it. But I'm getting a point somehow.

46
00:02:20.120 --> 00:02:22.000
That's like a teacher at school...

47
00:02:22.000 --> 00:02:24.860
'Yes...? Has anyone else got any suggestions?'

48
00:02:24.980 --> 00:02:29.020
You're right about arctic ice.
But it was not a beverage company.

49
00:02:29.320 --> 00:02:14.060
Was it one of these mad things, where they were
going to, like, irrigate the Kalahari or something?

417
00:02:14.060 --> 00:02:34.780
[DING]

51
00:02:34.780 --> 00:02:35.900
Get in!

52
00:02:36.380 --> 00:02:38.280
It wasn't irrigation,

53
00:02:38.280 --> 00:02:43.180
but it was an attempt to get an ice block
from the Arctic Circle to the equator.

54
00:02:43.300 --> 00:02:44.540
MATT: For the lolz.

55
00:02:44.680 --> 00:02:46.300
For the publicity.

56
00:02:46.560 --> 00:02:48.120
Just get a cool box!

57
00:02:48.940 --> 00:02:51.820
CHRIS: How big's your cool box?
I mean, I know you eat a lot of pies, but...

58
00:02:52.280 --> 00:02:56.040
So what kind of company would
want to do a publicity stunt

59
00:02:56.040 --> 00:02:59.240
by moving ice all that distance over land to the equator?

60
00:02:59.400 --> 00:03:00.380
CHRIS: Over land?!

61
00:03:00.380 --> 00:03:01.320
TOM: Over land.
MATT: Over land?

62
00:03:01.320 --> 00:03:02.360
GARY: A fridge company.

63
00:03:02.500 --> 00:03:04.080
CHRIS: Haulage company.
GARY: To show the beneficiary of...

64
00:03:04.240 --> 00:03:06.460
Or asbestos company, to show
how good the asbestos is.

65
00:03:06.700 --> 00:03:09.280
[DING] It's not asbestos, but it's insulation.

66
00:03:09.420 --> 00:03:11.940
You keep giving us points and
saying it's not what we said!

67
00:03:12.460 --> 00:03:14.400
It's a Norwegian insulation company.

68
00:03:14.400 --> 00:03:18.220
I'm going to give you a point, because if there
wasn't asbestos in that, I'll be very surprised.

69
00:03:19.660 --> 00:01:33.580
And frankly, if there is asbestos in it,
*they* will have been very surprised.

381
00:01:33.580 --> 00:01:42.160
[Laughter]

71
00:03:24.060 --> 00:03:26.060
Not until about 25 years later, I'll guess.

72
00:03:26.200 --> 00:03:28.420
It was made from glass wool. Made from fibreglass.

73
00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:29.760
GARY: Glass wool.

74
00:03:30.100 --> 00:03:32.180
This was inspired by a radio station.

75
00:03:32.180 --> 00:03:36.040
In 1958, which radio station would
have put up a challenge like that?

76
00:03:36.180 --> 00:03:38.380
[Posh voice]  The BBC World Service.

77
00:03:38.540 --> 00:03:39.680
TOM: Very much the opposite.

78
00:03:39.840 --> 00:03:41.600
The ITV World Service.

452
00:03:42.700 --> 00:02:14.060
[Applause]

80
00:03:44.560 --> 00:03:46.260
Brought up in the '80s!

81
00:03:46.440 --> 00:03:48.480
What would the ITV World Service be?

82
00:03:48.480 --> 00:03:49.780
Because that's basically just Keith Lemon.

83
00:03:50.020 --> 00:03:51.160
It's Ant & Dec.

84
00:03:52.000 --> 00:03:56.140
To be fair, that sounds like something ITV
and Ant & Dec would do now, wouldn't they.

85
00:03:56.140 --> 00:03:59.180
'We're gonna transport a block of ice to the equator, live!'

86
00:03:59.180 --> 00:04:02.640
Stripped over two weeks' worth and
you'd vote off which bit of ice you don't like.

87
00:04:04.620 --> 00:04:06.980
Any ITV commissioners: 25 percent, yeah?

88
00:04:08.040 --> 00:04:09.480
Now, you say it's a radio station...

89
00:04:09.480 --> 00:04:12.040
[Pirate voice]
May it have been, yarrr, one that be on a boat?

90
00:04:12.220 --> 00:04:14.440
Well, it was certainly beyond our borders.

91
00:04:14.440 --> 00:04:16.540
It was Radio Luxembourg.

92
00:04:16.880 --> 00:04:17.720
ALL: Ohh.

93
00:04:18.120 --> 00:04:22.900
Who launched a challenge to transport three tons
of ice from the Arctic Circle to the equator.

94
00:04:23.060 --> 00:02:14.060
MATT: 'Let's say this, and see if anyone does it!'

417
00:02:14.060 --> 00:02:34.780
[DING]

96
00:04:26.580 --> 00:04:28.100
GARY: And then it's one of those awful things,

97
00:04:28.100 --> 00:01:33.580
GARY: ...where someone turns up on your doorstep
with three tons of ice from the Arctic.

381
00:01:33.580 --> 00:01:42.160
[Laughter]

99
00:04:32.040 --> 00:04:34.240
MATT: [American radio voice]
'Wacky Radio Challenge!'

100
00:04:34.400 --> 00:04:35.120
[Idiotic laughter]

101
00:04:35.300 --> 00:04:37.500
TOM: What was the prize they were
going to award for this?

102
00:04:37.680 --> 00:04:38.800
[Radio voice]  A car!

103
00:04:40.260 --> 00:04:42.100
Someone who works in radio.

104
00:04:43.320 --> 00:01:33.580
A s***load of tonic.

381
00:01:33.580 --> 00:01:42.160
[Laughter]

106
00:04:45.700 --> 00:04:48.120
I mean, you could buy that with this...

107
00:04:48.260 --> 00:04:49.700
GARY: 'Free drinks all round!'

108
00:04:49.860 --> 00:04:51.620
*More* ice.

109
00:04:52.760 --> 00:04:53.900
One million dollars.

110
00:04:53.960 --> 00:02:14.060
Oh.

417
00:02:14.060 --> 00:02:34.780
[DING]

112
00:04:56.200 --> 00:04:58.000
One hundred thousand francs —

113
00:04:58.100 --> 00:04:59.300
GARY: You're doing it again!
[Laughter]

114
00:04:59.440 --> 00:05:01.140
No, no, I'm getting there...

115
00:05:01.300 --> 00:05:03.740
'No.' Ding!
What is this?!

116
00:05:03.920 --> 00:05:06.900
...per kilo that made it to the Arctic.

117
00:05:07.080 --> 00:05:08.040
CHRIS: Whoa.
GARY: Ahhh.

118
00:05:08.180 --> 00:05:11.900
So theoretically, that was anything up to...

119
00:05:11.900 --> 00:05:15.240
three hundred million francs,
if I've done my maths right...

120
00:05:15.440 --> 00:05:17.760
But if someone actually managed
to get the three tons of ice there,

121
00:05:17.760 --> 00:05:21.780
and suddenly, oh, an insulation
company's got involved...

122
00:05:22.120 --> 00:05:24.620
They started being very worried.

123
00:05:25.160 --> 00:05:27.860
How did they get the ice out of the Arctic?
Did it take a digger or something?

124
00:05:28.020 --> 00:05:30.860
MATT: You know when you've got an ice lolly,
and you lick one bit and it goes in?

125
00:05:30.860 --> 00:01:33.580
MATT: They're just licking it into squares.

381
00:01:33.580 --> 00:01:42.160
[Laughter]

127
00:05:34.220 --> 00:05:37.280
GARY: Tons of Norwegian men — hands and knees...

128
00:05:40.440 --> 00:05:43.480
Can you not do that while you're sat next to me?

129
00:05:45.100 --> 00:05:46.260
[Wolf whistle from audience]

130
00:05:48.700 --> 00:05:49.660
Your mam's in!

131
00:05:52.500 --> 00:05:56.620
They actually got it out from a glacier in 200-kilo blocks.

132
00:05:56.620 --> 00:05:58.820
What do you use to remove that much ice?

133
00:05:58.940 --> 00:06:00.560
MATT: Spoon!
GARY: Big f***in' hammers!

134
00:06:00.820 --> 00:06:03.540
Um, no... no...

135
00:06:03.680 --> 00:02:14.060
Chainsaw.

417
00:02:14.060 --> 00:02:34.780
[DING]

452
00:03:42.700 --> 00:02:14.060
[Applause]

138
00:06:07.200 --> 00:06:10.380
I knew you'd get that, because you
have a chainsaw license, don't you?

139
00:06:10.520 --> 00:06:11.560
Not since October.

140
00:06:11.760 --> 00:06:12.680
ALL: Awww.

141
00:06:12.800 --> 00:01:33.580
And you're all slightly safer in your beds.

381
00:01:33.580 --> 00:01:42.160
[Laughter]

143
00:06:16.860 --> 00:06:20.840
But when we had that absinthe and chainsaw night
last week, you told me you were fully qualified!

144
00:06:20.960 --> 00:06:22.720
CHRIS: Once you're drunk, you don't need to be qualified.

145
00:06:22.720 --> 00:06:24.260
It all becomes much more natural.

146
00:06:24.420 --> 00:06:28.360
To be fair, I don't think Leatherface from the
horror movies really had a license for that.

147
00:06:28.360 --> 00:06:29.960
It's not a requirement.

148
00:06:30.060 --> 00:06:32.540
You see what happened?
You see what happened?!

149
00:06:32.700 --> 00:06:33.940
That's fair. That's fair.

150
00:06:34.140 --> 00:06:36.140
Is that like Al Capone? Is that what they got him on?

151
00:06:37.480 --> 00:06:39.180
So yes. 200-kilo blocks,

152
00:06:39.180 --> 00:06:44.620
melted together to make a single
block of ice weighing 3,050 kilos.

153
00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:47.480
Now, I'm setting this up specifically for Gary:

154
00:06:47.480 --> 00:06:49.740
What was the container they
constructed for it made from?

155
00:06:50.160 --> 00:06:52.400
GARY: IRON.
TOM: Correct! [DING]

156
00:06:56.020 --> 00:06:58.740
There's two little squirrels in my head...

157
00:06:58.740 --> 00:07:02.180
One was saying, 'Say iron!'
The other was saying, 'Say anything else!'

158
00:07:04.180 --> 00:07:05.080
'Wool!'

159
00:07:06.140 --> 00:07:11.660
They placed it on top of a truck that would carry it
all the way to the equator, accompanied by what?

160
00:07:11.980 --> 00:07:13.340
Two of every animal!

161
00:07:17.060 --> 00:07:19.340
Gin! In a big tanker behind it.

162
00:07:19.500 --> 00:07:21.320
That's fair...
A film crew, sadly.

163
00:07:21.480 --> 00:07:23.260
Where did they go? They started —

164
00:07:23.380 --> 00:07:24.300
CHRIS: South.
MATT: The equator.

165
00:07:24.440 --> 00:07:25.260
Well, yes, okay.

166
00:07:25.360 --> 00:07:26.320
GARY: Point! Point!

167
00:07:26.440 --> 00:07:27.540
I'm not giving you a point for that.

168
00:07:27.680 --> 00:07:31.680
They started near —
well, they started in the Arctic Circle...

169
00:07:31.800 --> 00:07:32.900
MATT: Where? Norway Arctic?

170
00:07:33.000 --> 00:07:33.880
Norway, yes.

171
00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:35.600
Oh. Cheating bastards!

172
00:07:36.380 --> 00:07:37.460
How is that cheating?

173
00:07:37.660 --> 00:07:40.180
I don't know. I had this thing that they'd gone
all the way to the North Pole and done it...

174
00:07:40.320 --> 00:07:41.840
No, Arctic Circle to equator.

175
00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:45.940
Oh, of course, right. In my head I had an image of
an iron tank with the North Pole sticking out at the top.

176
00:07:46.080 --> 00:07:47.160
CHRIS: I was going to say.

177
00:07:47.300 --> 00:07:50.040
You can just get a budget flight to the Arctic.

178
00:07:50.180 --> 00:07:50.820
Yeah!

179
00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:54.180
Yeah, but can you imagine the
carry-on fees for three tons of ice?

180
00:07:55.420 --> 00:07:57.420
Slice it. One in each seat.

181
00:07:58.100 --> 00:08:01.500
Just have refrigerated pockets on
a fishing vest and take it bit by bit.

182
00:08:01.640 --> 00:08:03.380
TOM: That's how you get past Ryanair charges, isn't it.

183
00:08:03.520 --> 00:08:05.260
Yeah, yeah. You just wear all the ice.

184
00:08:05.500 --> 00:08:08.520
So the first stop was Oslo,
which seems a sensible place.

185
00:08:08.520 --> 00:08:12.700
What would be needed near the equator,
at Libreville, where they finished?

186
00:08:13.040 --> 00:08:13.880
Food.

187
00:08:14.060 --> 00:08:17.060
Not quite. Certainly something that was
needed for people who lived there.

188
00:08:17.440 --> 00:08:18.560
GARY: Fish.
CHRIS: Jam.

189
00:08:18.660 --> 00:08:19.800
MATT: Vaccines and medicines.

190
00:08:19.920 --> 00:08:21.660
TOM: Matt gets the point. Absolutely right. [DING]

191
00:08:21.660 --> 00:08:23.980
300 kilos of medicines.

192
00:08:25.460 --> 00:08:28.440
Obviously, they can keep them cold. They've got ice.

193
00:08:28.580 --> 00:08:31.700
Oh God! I didn't think of using
the ice to transport something.

194
00:08:31.700 --> 00:08:33.620
I just thought you meant something else
that was along for the ride.

195
00:08:33.780 --> 00:08:37.440
No, medicines go off in the heat,
so suddenly, they had a lot of ice...

196
00:08:37.720 --> 00:08:41.680
Within it, was there a horror from beyond time
that had yet to be unfrozen as well?

197
00:08:41.860 --> 00:08:43.060
Half a flying saucer.

198
00:08:43.060 --> 00:08:46.400
Not even stopped, just carried on cutting with
the chainsaw. 'Ah, ****, there's another one...'

199
00:08:46.540 --> 00:08:47.860
I hate to set the joke up, but your mum's in.

200
00:08:48.080 --> 00:08:48.960
GARY: Heyyy!

201
00:08:50.440 --> 00:08:51.720
Okay, right, no...

202
00:08:52.640 --> 00:08:54.560
Oh, she is in! All right then.

203
00:08:55.820 --> 00:08:57.320
What happened in Belgium?

204
00:08:57.420 --> 00:08:58.300
The customs!

205
00:08:58.400 --> 00:09:00.200
Yep. Absolutely right. [DING]
What did they not have?

206
00:09:00.340 --> 00:09:01.040
Ice.

207
00:09:01.160 --> 00:09:02.720
CHRIS: Right.
[Laughter]

208
00:09:02.720 --> 00:09:03.980
A license to carry ice.

209
00:09:04.120 --> 00:09:05.180
TOM: Yep. Absolutely right. [DING]
GARY: What?!

210
00:09:05.280 --> 00:03:42.700
They didn't have a customs declaration for it.

452
00:03:42.700 --> 00:02:14.060
[Applause]

212
00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:09.740
Concealed carry for an ice cube.

213
00:09:09.740 --> 00:09:12.200
[Old-fashioned bobby voice]
'Sorry, sir, I can see you are dripping, there...'

214
00:09:12.720 --> 00:09:16.160
Yeah. Absolutely right. There was no
customs declaration for the ice.

215
00:09:16.360 --> 00:09:17.140
What? The... the...

216
00:09:17.340 --> 00:09:19.160
You can see it!

217
00:09:19.600 --> 00:09:21.160
It's tons of ice!

218
00:09:21.320 --> 00:09:23.380
TOM: How do you solve something like that?

219
00:09:23.560 --> 00:09:24.700
MATT: Melt it!

220
00:09:24.860 --> 00:09:26.040
GARY: Disguise it as a circus.

221
00:09:26.960 --> 00:09:29.140
No, just a moustache and a stick-on nose.

222
00:09:29.980 --> 00:09:31.400
'And this is Steve.'

223
00:09:31.700 --> 00:09:33.140
[Ice creaking noise]

224
00:09:33.400 --> 00:09:34.680
'Hurry up, Steve!'

225
00:09:34.820 --> 00:09:36.220
GARY: 'He don't say much.'

226
00:09:37.720 --> 00:09:42.540
No, a customs official just accompanied them
all the way, so officially it never entered Belgium.

227
00:09:42.700 --> 00:09:45.100
To make sure they didn't import illegal ice.

228
00:09:45.240 --> 00:09:45.820
Yes.

229
00:09:45.960 --> 00:09:46.920
Wait, wait, wait.

230
00:09:47.040 --> 00:01:33.580
What if a Belgian ran up and had a lick?

381
00:01:33.580 --> 00:01:42.160
[Laughter]

232
00:09:49.020 --> 00:09:51.080
[Laughter]
What is it with me and licking?!

233
00:09:53.640 --> 00:09:55.340
You should see me in the freezer.

234
00:09:55.960 --> 00:09:58.420
You *shouldn't* see me in the freezer.
[Laughter]

235
00:09:59.060 --> 00:10:01.520
That's why you're banned from Iceland, isn't it.

236
00:10:02.860 --> 00:10:05.020
Both the country and the supermarket.

237
00:10:07.620 --> 00:10:10.760
Can you imagine the recursive nature
if they had a branch of Iceland in Iceland?

238
00:10:11.820 --> 00:10:14.100
TOM: Well, they'd just call it England, and it's just...

239
00:10:14.100 --> 00:10:17.500
The freezers don't work, and everything's
twice as expensive as it was a month ago.

240
00:10:17.640 --> 00:10:19.740
GARY: Heyyy! Satire.

241
00:10:21.440 --> 00:10:22.800
They got to Paris...

242
00:10:22.800 --> 00:10:25.360
The crew were invited to dine with...?

243
00:10:25.580 --> 00:10:26.680
[French accent] The president.

244
00:10:26.800 --> 00:10:28.760
TOM: Er, the mayor. I'll give you a point, it's close enough.
[DING]

245
00:10:28.920 --> 00:10:30.280
No, it's f***ing not!

246
00:10:33.040 --> 00:10:33.600
Gary...

247
00:10:33.740 --> 00:10:35.000
On the scale of civic dignitaries...

248
00:10:35.120 --> 00:10:36.240
TOM: Do you want the point?

249
00:10:36.380 --> 00:10:37.700
I don't want bulls*** points.

250
00:10:38.240 --> 00:10:42.300
Down at the bottom you have mayor. Up here you have
le Président. I was talking the cheese, by the way.

251
00:10:45.840 --> 00:10:47.280
Having dinner with, not of.

252
00:10:47.460 --> 00:10:48.320
Yeah.

253
00:10:50.420 --> 00:10:51.960
The mayor! The president!

254
00:10:51.960 --> 00:10:54.760
God's sake! Never get *you*
into international diplomacy.

255
00:10:55.500 --> 00:10:59.120
TOM: I think none of us should ever be
in international diplomacy, Gary.

256
00:10:59.620 --> 00:11:00.840
Fair cop. Yeah.

257
00:11:02.020 --> 00:11:07.160
Yes. From Paris they continued to Marseilles, and
it was lifted aboard a freighter that sailed to Algiers.

258
00:11:07.340 --> 00:11:11.600
How much water had melted
by the point they got to the Sahara?

259
00:11:12.000 --> 00:11:12.660
Er...

260
00:11:12.880 --> 00:03:42.700
CHRIS: None. Ice melts into water.

452
00:03:42.700 --> 00:02:14.060
[Applause]

417
00:02:14.060 --> 00:02:34.780
[DING]

263
00:11:25.660 --> 00:11:26.900
Go for the Biscuit one over there.

264
00:11:27.040 --> 00:11:29.220
You're not having Biscuits for that!

265
00:11:29.860 --> 00:11:33.780
How much ice had melted by
the time they got it to the Sahara?

266
00:11:33.940 --> 00:11:34.780
Twenty percent.

267
00:11:34.940 --> 00:11:35.840
An Nth.

268
00:11:36.260 --> 00:11:38.440
Ah, that's a good fraction. You can't lose there.

269
00:11:38.620 --> 00:11:39.600
Can't be wrong now.

270
00:11:39.840 --> 00:11:41.960
Er... well, Gary wins, so...

271
00:11:42.120 --> 00:11:44.700
Well, thing is, no, you were actually closer.
It was only four litres.

272
00:11:44.860 --> 00:11:47.980
Out of all of that, less than one thousandth...

273
00:11:47.980 --> 00:11:50.560
I didn't actually say anything. Did nobody notice that?

274
00:11:50.680 --> 00:11:52.460
You said zero, so you're closer.

275
00:11:52.580 --> 00:11:54.520
Yeah, but I said an Nth! That's undefinable.

276
00:11:55.640 --> 00:11:57.020
Have we got any mathematicians in?

277
00:11:57.680 --> 00:12:00.380
Of course we've got some mathematicians in.
Who gets the point?

278
00:12:01.220 --> 00:12:02.280
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Chris.

279
00:12:02.480 --> 00:12:03.780
Chris gets the point!

280
00:12:05.100 --> 00:03:42.700
Bastard.

452
00:03:42.700 --> 00:02:14.060
[Applause]

282
00:12:08.980 --> 00:12:12.340
What were the instructions they got
as they went across the Sahara?

283
00:12:12.520 --> 00:12:13.580
'Go west.'

284
00:12:15.320 --> 00:12:16.880
[Sings]  Life is peaceful there...

285
00:12:17.620 --> 00:12:20.660
Matt, I know you're not good at directions...

286
00:12:20.920 --> 00:12:23.040
If he was doing directions, he'd have said, 'Go right.'

287
00:12:23.880 --> 00:12:24.920
CHRIS: Or left.

288
00:12:25.080 --> 00:12:27.620
What was the main danger in the Sahara at that point?

289
00:12:27.760 --> 00:12:28.680
Being shot.

290
00:12:28.880 --> 00:12:31.540
Yet again, Chris... [DING] Absolutely right.

291
00:12:31.720 --> 00:12:32.860
GARY: Was there a war on?

292
00:12:33.020 --> 00:12:35.660
There was. There were 'forces hiding in the mountains'.

293
00:12:35.820 --> 00:12:38.180
TOM: Huh?
MATT: Did we start it?

294
00:12:38.380 --> 00:12:40.920
CHRIS: We weren't even alive, Matt.
I don't think any of us could have started it.

295
00:12:41.820 --> 00:12:46.860
The advice was, 'No stops, drive for your lives,
even if you get a flat tire.'

296
00:12:47.180 --> 00:12:47.900
Cool!

297
00:12:48.040 --> 00:12:50.000
You see, they don't have that in the driving test, do they?

298
00:12:52.180 --> 00:12:54.640
Maybe if you go to Saharan Africa they do.

299
00:12:54.780 --> 00:12:58.740
To be fair, there was a wonderful question —
because I did my theory test last year,

300
00:12:58.740 --> 00:13:00.320
and one of the questions is,

301
00:13:00.320 --> 00:13:03.600
'What do you do if you are driving through a tunnel,

302
00:13:03.600 --> 00:01:33.580
but your car is on fire...'

381
00:01:33.580 --> 00:01:42.160
[Laughter]

304
00:13:07.300 --> 00:13:09.320
'...but your car is still drivable?'

305
00:13:09.460 --> 00:13:10.780
MATT: Get the f*** out of the tunnel.

306
00:13:10.960 --> 00:13:12.660
TOM: Yes! You're absolutely right.

307
00:13:12.660 --> 00:13:15.680
If your car is drivable, get out, because
otherwise you're going to kill other people.

308
00:13:15.840 --> 00:13:18.520
I'm going to be dead honest, and I don't
want that to happen to anybody ever...

309
00:13:18.520 --> 00:13:20.160
but s***, that'd look good.

310
00:13:23.160 --> 00:13:26.960
Just gunning out of a tunnel in flames,
with you going, 'Ha ha! I'm doing good!'

311
00:13:27.120 --> 00:13:31.320
Yeah, but it's when you're listening to Matt Monro
and there's a bulldozer at the far end anyway.

312
00:13:31.500 --> 00:13:32.740
MATT: You're going to have to...

313
00:13:32.880 --> 00:13:35.220
Wow. Five people here have seen The Italian Job. Okay.

314
00:13:36.720 --> 00:13:38.620
So you've driven your burning car out of the tunnel.

315
00:13:38.620 --> 00:13:41.280
Then you've got to somehow get out of it
with the most panache you can.

316
00:13:42.060 --> 00:13:44.160
I wouldn't be worried about panache at that point.

317
00:13:45.000 --> 00:13:49.200
As we all know, the driving test is rated on
style, control, damage and aggression, so...

396
00:13:49.800 --> 00:13:56.440
[Laughter and applause]

319
00:13:56.440 --> 00:14:00.100
Okay, so just for the reference:
Italian Job — no. Robot Wars — yes.

320
00:14:00.260 --> 00:14:01.140
That's fine.

321
00:14:01.320 --> 00:14:02.400
GARY: We've found their level.

322
00:14:02.580 --> 00:14:03.960
MATT: Can I ask a question?
TOM: Yes.

323
00:14:04.100 --> 00:01:33.580
What were we talking about?

381
00:01:33.580 --> 00:01:42.160
[Laughter]

325
00:14:09.300 --> 00:14:11.060
Because I can't remember.

326
00:14:11.260 --> 00:14:14.600
TOM: They were crossing the Sahara
on the Ice Block Expedition of 1959.

327
00:14:14.600 --> 00:14:17.080
They had taken a block of ice from the Arctic Circle,

328
00:14:17.080 --> 00:14:20.440
They'd made it to the Sahara.
They met a tribe that lived there...

329
00:14:20.580 --> 00:14:24.000
TOM: And how did they greet them?
What did they give them for, er...

330
00:14:24.120 --> 00:14:26.120
MATT: Hugs.
GARY: Water pistol fight.

331
00:14:26.500 --> 00:14:28.240
Bit one-sided, but you know...

332
00:14:28.600 --> 00:14:30.040
TOM: You're close...

333
00:14:30.160 --> 00:14:30.840
Water.

334
00:14:30.960 --> 00:14:34.000
Yes. Absolutely right. [DING]
They gave the camels water from the container.

335
00:14:34.140 --> 00:14:35.660
Um, the commentary...

336
00:14:35.840 --> 00:14:38.900
Did a camel get his tongue stuck to the big
block of ice while they were doing it?

337
00:14:40.360 --> 00:14:44.000
I believe they had a small spigot
on the bottom that could drain the —

338
00:14:44.120 --> 00:14:45.880
Oh, good use of the word 'spigot', Tom.

339
00:14:46.180 --> 00:14:48.500
What would be in the water, given what it's insulated in?

340
00:14:48.680 --> 00:14:49.960
Oh, fibreglass...

341
00:14:50.180 --> 00:14:51.240
Yes. [DING]

342
00:14:51.940 --> 00:14:56.360
But in the entire trip across the Arctic,
they lost... how much water?

343
00:14:56.560 --> 00:14:57.640
GARY: Eight litres.

344
00:14:58.120 --> 00:14:58.840
MATT: Ten.

345
00:14:59.040 --> 00:15:00.160
A camel's worth.

346
00:15:00.520 --> 00:15:02.680
Chris gets it. 96 litres. [DING]

347
00:15:06.420 --> 00:15:08.600
It's about a camel's worth. That feels about right.

348
00:15:08.980 --> 00:15:13.300
And who did they meet?
We're looking for a very famous physician.

349
00:15:13.500 --> 00:15:15.560
MATT: Doctor Jones? Doctor Jones?

350
00:15:18.120 --> 00:15:19.000
Aqua?

351
00:15:20.180 --> 00:15:21.020
Aqua!

352
00:15:26.300 --> 00:15:31.640
What I like is that you could hear the ripple
of people getting that as it spread about.

353
00:15:31.920 --> 00:15:33.480
No... Albert Schweitzer.

354
00:15:33.680 --> 00:15:34.960
I have never heard that phrase.

355
00:15:35.120 --> 00:15:36.880
That rings a bell for some reason, but I don't know why.

356
00:15:37.060 --> 00:15:41.340
TOM: 'A French-German theologian,
organist, philosopher, and physician.'

357
00:15:41.460 --> 00:15:44.040
Is 'organist' a subcategory of physician?

358
00:15:51.500 --> 00:15:54.700
TOM: What did Norway send to Schweitzer's hospital?

359
00:15:54.840 --> 00:15:56.160
[Arnold Schwarzenegger voice]  Supplies.

360
00:15:56.400 --> 00:16:00.000
TOM: I mean... okay, I'll need you
to narrow that down a bit.

361
00:16:02.500 --> 00:16:05.300
Because the water melted... some fish to swim in it?

362
00:16:05.460 --> 00:16:06.760
TOM: Oh. You're...  [DING]

363
00:16:06.940 --> 00:16:07.760
No, piss off!

364
00:16:09.140 --> 00:16:11.720
Gary, you keep accidentally saying
something that's close enough.

365
00:16:11.880 --> 00:16:14.940
What would Norway send? Half a ton of fish.

366
00:16:15.380 --> 00:16:17.720
But what kind? What kind of...?

367
00:16:18.080 --> 00:16:19.280
Pickled herring.

368
00:16:19.420 --> 00:16:20.700
[Click]
CHRIS: That didn't go off.

369
00:16:20.840 --> 00:16:21.880
TOM: [DING] There we go.

370
00:16:22.020 --> 00:16:23.820
TOM: Close enough. Klippfisk.

371
00:16:23.920 --> 00:16:25.120
Oh no, that's —

372
00:16:25.540 --> 00:16:29.060
TOM: That actually got an 'Urrgh!' from someone
who has clearly eaten that, in the audience.

373
00:16:29.240 --> 00:16:30.680
Dried and salted cod.

374
00:16:30.820 --> 00:16:32.740
GARY: He's in the middle of the Sahara.
TOM: Yup.

375
00:16:32.940 --> 00:16:34.940
He's got a doctor's surgery in the middle of the Sahara.

376
00:16:34.940 --> 00:16:35.960
And Norway thinks it's —

377
00:16:36.120 --> 00:16:38.060
TOM: Er, no, it's Gabon.
So they're already a bit south of there.

378
00:16:38.220 --> 00:16:42.880
But Norway thinks it's cool to send a load of
very salty fish to a very dry part of the world.

379
00:16:43.100 --> 00:16:43.860
Yep.

380
00:16:44.040 --> 00:01:33.580
What utter bellends.

381
00:01:33.580 --> 00:01:42.160
[Laughter]

382
00:16:46.900 --> 00:16:49.480
I bet that'd smell nice in 50-degree heat.

383
00:16:50.920 --> 00:16:53.120
'But what's in the box? We've been
waiting for months for this!'

384
00:16:53.340 --> 00:16:55.740
Clunk... 'JESUS CHRIST!'

385
00:16:56.460 --> 00:16:58.300
'What is wrong with them?!'

386
00:16:59.500 --> 00:17:02.160
First of all, they made it.
That's the important thing. They got there...

387
00:17:02.160 --> 00:17:04.880
It was called 'the greatest publicity stunt of all time'.

388
00:17:05.080 --> 00:17:10.180
They delivered 90 percent of that ice,
without melting, to Libreville.

389
00:17:10.460 --> 00:17:15.680
A representative of the insulation company
met them in Libreville.

390
00:17:15.820 --> 00:17:16.940
MATT: Didn't he go with them?

391
00:17:17.100 --> 00:17:18.700
No, having taken the short route.

392
00:17:19.000 --> 00:17:20.060
GARY: Coward.

393
00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:24.840
He was a friend of someone.
And we talked about him earlier,

394
00:17:24.840 --> 00:17:27.360
and you got a point despite the fact you shouldn't have.

395
00:17:27.520 --> 00:13:49.800
The mayor of Paris?

396
00:13:49.800 --> 00:13:56.440
[Laughter and applause]

397
00:17:32.620 --> 00:17:33.740
TOM: That was...

398
00:17:34.140 --> 00:17:36.380
GARY: Squirrel One: 'Say answer!'
Squirrel Two...

399
00:17:36.580 --> 00:17:40.200
That was a half-court shot, and it sailed
through the air, and it sailed through the air...

400
00:17:40.200 --> 00:17:42.160
and then it just bounced off the rim.

401
00:17:43.220 --> 00:17:45.380
Tom, never use the phrase 'off the rim' in my presence.

402
00:17:46.560 --> 00:17:47.980
TOM: Anyone else want to get the point for that?

403
00:17:48.260 --> 00:17:49.620
MATT: Ze president.

404
00:17:49.800 --> 00:17:53.940
[DING] Absolutely right. President Charles de Gaulle
was a friend of that representative.

405
00:17:54.100 --> 00:17:54.880
Ahh, mais oui.

406
00:17:55.060 --> 00:17:56.180
Did he fly there?

407
00:17:57.300 --> 00:17:58.460
What...?

408
00:17:58.620 --> 00:17:59.880
CHRIS: Airport, mate.
TOM: De Gaulle, oh my God...

409
00:18:00.060 --> 00:03:42.700
Just let it run.

452
00:03:42.700 --> 00:02:14.060
[Applause]

411
00:14:02.580 --> 00:18:08.660
TOM: Yes.

412
00:18:11.080 --> 00:18:12.520
He came with an offer.

413
00:18:12.520 --> 00:18:16.420
What did the representative of that
company say to the expedition

414
00:18:16.420 --> 00:18:21.700
that had got all the way there, got that ice,
got it there almost entirely intact?

415
00:18:21.860 --> 00:18:23.160
'What time d'you call this?'

416
00:18:24.360 --> 00:02:14.060
'Could you just pop it back up to Paris for us?'

417
00:02:14.060 --> 00:02:34.780
[DING]

418
00:18:29.540 --> 00:18:32.840
He said that if the crew were willing
to drive it back to Paris,

419
00:18:32.840 --> 00:18:36.660
the president himself would receive them
under the Arc de Triomphe.

420
00:18:37.420 --> 00:18:39.960
'Receive' is not a euphemism in that particular case.

421
00:18:41.020 --> 00:18:42.480
Or so you think!

422
00:18:43.560 --> 00:18:45.200
What did they say to that offer?

423
00:18:45.360 --> 00:18:46.340
GARY: Nah.

424
00:18:46.520 --> 00:18:48.540
[DING] Absolutely right.

425
00:18:48.540 --> 00:18:51.580
They were exhausted. They said no.
They said, that is it.

426
00:18:51.580 --> 00:18:53.880
They flew home, they left the ice there with the citizens.

427
00:18:53.880 --> 00:18:56.560
And it was called 'the greatest publicity stunt of all time'.

428
00:18:56.700 --> 00:19:00.740
Did they then go around Radio Luxembourg's
front door, and rap on the door with a bill?

429
00:19:00.900 --> 00:19:02.960
TOM: Radio Luxembourg withdrew the offer.

430
00:19:03.160 --> 00:19:05.080
What?!
Utter f***ers!

431
00:19:05.260 --> 00:19:06.980
Before the expedition set off.

432
00:19:07.720 --> 00:19:09.660
What utter f***ers! Imagine that!

433
00:19:09.660 --> 00:19:12.320
You've got there, 'Radio Luxembourg? I believe I'm rich?'

434
00:19:12.540 --> 00:19:16.900
To be fair, they did withdraw it before the
expedition set off, when it was being planned.

435
00:19:17.100 --> 00:19:20.000
They said they were just joking,
that wasn't what they had in mind.

436
00:19:20.180 --> 00:19:22.820
A radio show has never done that before!

437
00:19:24.440 --> 00:19:27.620
And on that note...
everyone here gets free Mystery Biscuits!

438
00:19:27.920 --> 00:19:28.720
[Cheering]

439
00:19:30.320 --> 00:19:31.260
Good luck.

440
00:19:31.960 --> 00:03:42.700
On that... congratulations Gary, you win this show!

452
00:03:42.700 --> 00:02:14.060
[Applause]

442
00:19:41.360 --> 00:19:44.240
GARY: Okay. I'm bracing... bracing. Go on.

443
00:19:44.500 --> 00:19:47.400
You win a tour round a giant underground laboratory,

444
00:19:47.400 --> 00:19:50.280
designed to accelerate flatulence
close to the speed of light.

445
00:19:50.440 --> 00:19:52.240
GARY: No, no, no.
No no no no no...

446
00:19:52.400 --> 00:19:53.920
TOM: It's a farticle accelerator.

447
00:19:55.260 --> 00:19:57.040
With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel!

448
00:19:58.740 --> 00:20:00.240
To Gary Brannan!

449
00:20:01.360 --> 00:20:02.800
To Matt Gray!

450
00:20:03.440 --> 00:20:04.800
I've been Tom Scott,

451
00:20:04.800 --> 00:03:42.700
and we will see you after we walk off, pretend it's
the end of the show and walk back on again!

452
00:03:42.700 --> 00:02:14.060
[Applause]