WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en-GB

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This is the Technical Difficulties

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We're playing Citation Needed

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Joining me in the studio today

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He reads books you know - it's Chris Joel!

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I don't think there's anything left to say!

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Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan - Gary Brannan!

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Puttin the eatin' in the greetin'

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And the bounciest man on the internet -  Matt Gray!

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Close up!

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In front of m-- Jesus...

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In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't... crikey, Gary!

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...these folks can't see it.

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Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING]

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And there's a special prize for particularly good answers which is...

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Today's article is...

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...The Swarm

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Film starring Michael Caine

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Good grief! A point [DING] straight away!

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Thank you, it's about a swarm of killer bees [DING]

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Somewhere in the Midwest of America [DING]

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Michael Caine plays a scientist I do believe [DING]

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So, Gary's won this show. But...

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Yes, Michael Caine plays Dr Bradford Crane, which....

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Bradford?!

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Bradford Crane! "Hello, Bradford Cranes!"

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"Yeah, we've got a 9 tonne, a 14 tonne and a Maurice Micklewhite"

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"I don't quite understand how a crane is going to help you with a swarm of bees

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"Unless you want us to lift a tree, or something"

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"Where are ya?"

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"America? No, we don't go that far"

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Giant Jam Sandwich!

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Did you have Giant Jam Sandwich when you were little?

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No

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Giant Jam Sandwich is an ace book!

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It's about a SWARM!... of wasps

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That come and attack a town, and sting the mayor in his fat bald pate.

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So they bake a giant loaf of bread, make an enormous jam sandwich

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Trap all the wasps in the jam, then crush them to death with another slice from the loaf

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And then, in the sequel, a giant eats it and gets an all stang out mouth

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Stang?

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Stang out

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"Sometimes I let it all stang out(!)"

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But, it's a use for a crane in that situation

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Oh, a gigantic jam sandwich!

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How else are you going to flop your second slice of bread down?

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Why did they make a bread loaf? Why didn't they just make a giant bread roll?

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I... I...

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Because, otherwise you've got more, other slices in the giant loaf

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I don't know I was about...

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That's not a jam sandwich, that's a jam roll

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That's true

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"I'm going to drive my jam Rolls!"

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"It's sticky..."

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The thing is that if you were to
phone up Rolls-Royce and say

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"I want a Rolls-Royce covered in jam," they'd do it for you, if you paid enough

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Horrendous bespoke cost, but yes!

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They'd do it, yeah

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Would they use a real jam or a synthetic jam that would last a long time?

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I wouldn't want to bring it in every year to be re-jammed.

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What I'm thinking is that Rolls would probably create

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A see-through layer on the outside of the body panel

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Enabling you to trap some very good, high quality jam between the body panel and the plastic panel

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thereby leaving you with one coating of excellent jam

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That strikes me as the Rolls-Royce way

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That brings us to the finest of the Rolls-Royces

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The Silver Shred

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Silver shred is a lemon jam!

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And a silver ghost is a car!

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That is the most obscure gag you've ever done!

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I got it! But it took me a few seconds

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I didn't get either part of it!

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The Swarm, gentlemen

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It's a Michael Caine film

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It's from his "it's a living" stage of his career

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I could not have put it better myself

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There's some great lines in it, I remember

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You've got Michael Caine...

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"If you don't get those doors closed, this scientific institution is going to be full of bees!"

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That sounds like a film I want to watch!

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It's amazing - You're just waiting for Michael Caine to say the word "bees"!

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"He has been stung to death by bees!"

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And also, Slim Pickens

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Really?!

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Brilliant!

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Awesome!

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Playing a redneck, rather than a cowboy

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Well, I'm glad he's extended his range!

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He wasn't typecast, was he?

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Yeah, he can play Appalachia or the West

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"Damn man!"

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"That's quite the range!"

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"Them's some chops!"

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"Yee-hah!"

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He takes off his ten-gallon hat...

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BEES!

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Is the phase "covered in bees" come into that?

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Yeah, it will do. Cause people do get covered in bees

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And then stang to death - by bees

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Stang!

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By clever bees, that can work their way into air conditioning units and stuff

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Clever girl!

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Yeah, clever girl!

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There's some lovely plot points in here

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"Dr. Krim self-injects an experimental bee venom antidote...

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"The trial proves fatal"

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He kills himself, yes

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Cause he goes "I've injected all the antidote

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And then runs into some bees!

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"Dr Andrews is convinced that his plant, his nuclear power plant, can withstand the attacks of the bees..."

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That's it!

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"At that moment the alarm sounds and the bees invade the plant"

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Yes! I'm sorry, I thought it was a scientific base

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You're right it's a nuclear power plant. They're worried the bees are going to get in and cause it to explode!

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They do

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Spoilers: They do!

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Because I think, Michael Caine is like,

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"The only way to wipe them out, is to wipe them out in a nuclear explosion!"

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And everyone looks around in a kind of, "but we're in a nuclear power station" kind of face

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That's not actually how they defeat the swarm in the end

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Oh

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Seawater! No, that's triffids.

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Oh, you're nearly there

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Oh God...

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They lure them out to sea [DING]

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How do they?... Giant Jam Sandwich!

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...on a boat!

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On an aircraft carrier!

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Because the alarm system was what attracted them in the first place

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The alarm went off in the power plant, the bees were attracted to alarms apparently

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*bee sounds*

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Also didgeridoos!

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I was going to say, less bee, more didgeridoo there

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Oh yeah, I always get the two mixed up

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Didgeridoo... FULL OF BEES!

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A swarm of didgeridoos

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Did you say you get the two confused, because that's going to be a painful when you...

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There is some other history to this film

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It was released originally at just shy of 2 hours

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An extra 40 minutes of footage added for release in the 1980s

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What format?

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3D?

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No, it was released for home distribution in the 1980s

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LaserDisc.

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LaserDisc! [DING]

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Smooth.

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Ooh, LaserDisc of bees!

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Tell me that that was the first Michael Caine film out on any kind of home video

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Forget Get Carter, Ipcress File, never mind that... BEES!

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But it's great at that stage of disaster film where, y'know you've done earthquakes,

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You've done infernos, you've done ships being turned upside down by tsunamis

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You're now at the stage of BEES!

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There are actually many more films here about large swarms of bees

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Care to guess some names?

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The Swarm 2

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"This time they're angry!"

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There's no Michael Caine

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I'm going to give you a point because they're thinking of remaking the Swarm [DING]

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Oh s***! Who's going to play the Michael Caine part?

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Michael Caine!

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Yeah!

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Hopefully we'll get Tom Hardy

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He's quite good, and he can act!

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Which is...

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Tom Hardy as Bane!

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"The bees are coming to the power station!"

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"Sorry what, the cheese is coming to the...?"

167
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"The BEES"

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"The booze?"

169
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"They've got inside my mask! Aaagh!"

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What I really wanted in that film was for them to take the mask off Bane...

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... and he still talks the same without it on!

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So they pull the swarm out to sea...

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What do they do to it? Because it's quite hard to kill a swarm of bees - they don't nuke it

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Flamethrowers?

175
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...Close?

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Raid! They just spray it with insect repellent!

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You're closer!

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Oh! Did they fire missiles at it?

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Um, they douse the water with oil and set the swarm ablaze!

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Whoa!

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Cause bees can't go upwards!(?)

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Bees could just go a bit higher

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It's not as if the heat would make them rise

184
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Would they pop like popcorn?

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Fwoomp! This bee is done! Mmmm!

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Tasty bee!

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Clouds of beeee popcorn!

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Honey flavoured popcorn!

189
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Yeah, tastes of honey!

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The final point of the film then...

191
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Dun dun dun

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Is Michael Caine wondering about whether they've finally succeeded

193
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Whether it's a permanent victory

194
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And he decides that, "if we use..."

195
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I can't do a Michael Caine impression. So I'm going to put this on Gary

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"If we use our time wisely, the world might just survive"

197
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"If we use our time wisely, the world. Might just survive!"

198
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You don't need to see the movie now!

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At which point, he's got to look over a hill and then, hopefully....

200
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A single bee!

201
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Camera crash zooms on it! Bah-dah!

202
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And then "The End"... "Question mark!"

203
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Alright, I'm going to do a quickfire round here

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Name me some animals, I'm going to give a point for each one, that actually does have....

205
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An invasion movie after it

206
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Oh, there's night of the shrews or something

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The Killer Shrews! [DING] Giant shrews, yes

208
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Sharks?

209
00:08:55.040 --> 00:08:57.140
Yes, many [DING], many

210
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Horses?

211
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No! Astonishingly I've got no... Wikipedia does not know of...

212
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Sheep?

213
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-- Yes [DING]
-- Black Sheep. Top film!

214
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The Birds!

215
00:09:07.320 --> 00:09:07.980
Yeah, [DING]

216
00:09:08.840 --> 00:09:12.160
No, he's meaning the 60's group - the Byrds

217
00:09:14.500 --> 00:09:16.960
"F***, Gene Clark's coming!"

218
00:09:18.020 --> 00:09:19.160
Looking at the playground...

219
00:09:19.400 --> 00:09:22.180
"Turn everything, turn, turn!"

220
00:09:22.440 --> 00:09:23.760
NOOO!

221
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Tern still being a bird as well

222
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Yes, yeah

223
00:09:30.820 --> 00:09:32.740
You know who'd play the lead in that?

224
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Steven Seagull!

225
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Wahay!

226
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At the end of the show, congratulations Gary!

227
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You obviously win this one for just knowing what the film was in the first place!

228
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You win Updoc!

229
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What's... updoc...

230
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Not much! What's up with you!

231
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That's been Chris Joel!

232
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You've killed him! You've killed him!

233
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That's Gary Brannan!

234
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That's Matt Gray!

235
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I've been Tom Scott! That's the end of the series! We'll see you next time!

236
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I can't believe that s*** worked!

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[Translated by D George]