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Kind: captions
Language: en

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This is the Technical Difficulties.
We're playing Citation Needed.

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Joining me in the studio today:
he reads books, you know — it's Chris Joel!

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Hellooo.

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Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan — Gary Brannan!

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Salutem.

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And the bounciest man on the internet — Matt Gray!

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It's not a studio, it's a kitchen diner.

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I'm choosing to quietly ignore that.

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In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia,
and these guys can't see it.

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Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING],

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and there's a special prize for
particularly good answers, which is:

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Today's article is: Lisa Clayton.

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She's from somewhere that makes bricks.

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Ooh. Why do you say that?

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ALL: Clayton.

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TOM: Ohh, right.

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Erm, Birmingham actually.

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GARY: Yep.
MATT: Yup.

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[Laughter]

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Okay, so someone from Birmingham.
What is this, f***ing Crime Watch?

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CHRIS: 'Have you seen Lisa Clayton?'

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'Have you seen her? Do you know her?'

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Well, here's the thing: Lisa Clayton,
you wouldn't have seen her for quite a while...

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For 285 days.

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Because she was invisible?

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[Laughter]

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[Laughter]
Briefly.

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That's not briefly!

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You'd cause bedlam with 285 days of invisibility.

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It's brief on the universal scale!

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Oh, yes, yes.

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So 285 days of being invisible.

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Er, of not being seen by the world.

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Hibernation.

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In a cupboard.

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World Hide and Seek champion.

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I'd go with that one.

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Er, not quite. She did certainly go away for a while.

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Arctic wanderer.

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Ooh, explorer certainly.
I will give you a point for that. [DING]

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Explorer in the sense of going places
rather than the sense of discovering places.

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Did she go to Wolverhampton?

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That's still not been discovered!

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The mystical city of...

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ALL: Wolverhampton!

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MATT: Eugh.

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The one thing I do know about Wolverhampton,
they've got battered chips.

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TOM and MATT: Oooh.
GARY: Eh?

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Two very different reactions there. I went,
[Doubtful]  'Oooh...'

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Matt went, 'Yep, yep, I'll have that.'

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Yeah... I'm with Matt on this.

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See, it would involve going to Wolverhampton to get it,

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but what I can do is try it at home.

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The other thing is, I think you'd only need three.

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I think after three, I'd have had enough.

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Have you ever had a battered chocolate bar?

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ALL: No.

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I once tried that, but I didn't work out you had to put batter in it. So I just dropped a Rocky into a pot of oil.

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CHRIS: Fwoomf! 'Awww.'

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There's a chippie round the back of the Nestlé factory,
and I had a battered Yorkie.

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Oh... Yeah... No.

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TOM: Ohh, that's a dense...

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One bite was enough.

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Because it is just hot dripping chocolate,
hot dripping oil, and... [Gags]

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It's just a weapon, isn't it, basically.

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We're back to our chocolate rods from God...

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GARY: We are.
MATT and TOM: Yeah.

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That's how you get the casing on
to get it through the atmosphere.

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GARY: I was going to say that that's a hand grenade.

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I was once in the US, and someone
ordered deep-fried cheesecake.

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Ooo.

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GARY: How does that work?

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You get a slab of cheesecake,
you batter it, and you deep fry it.

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And then you add like, raspberry sauce on it.

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I had one bite, and was like:
That's lovely, and that is now enough.

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[Laughter]

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I did have some cake the other day,

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where somebody, rather than creating icing,
had just rendered down entire Mars bars.

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ALL: Ohhh...

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So every element of the Mars bar then re-set into...

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TOM: I can't get behind that.

82
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When I was... Quite a while ago,
when I had a house in York.

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The woman was a bit dicky but I wanted
to make a cake, right, to take to work..

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So I made cake one...
Didn't really rise, door not shutting properly.

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Now what I should have done is said,
F*** it, I'm going to Tesco.

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But damn it, I'd started, I was going to do this.

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So I tried again — that one, also flat.
Tried again, that one also flat.

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Oh God, I know where this is going.

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Third one burnt down, fell over,
and then sank into the swamp.

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[Laughter]

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[Laughter]
'But the last one stood up!'

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So I put...

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At this point something happened
in my brain that wasn't normal sense.

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I thought: stack them all together,
put jam and cream in between,

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And then I melted over the top an entire Yorkie.

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TOM: [Groans]

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In fact, three entire Yorkies,
I think it was, I put over the top of it.

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You've just got a brick!
You've got...

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You've got a prohibited weapon there!

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I've got to say, it was almost starting
to collapse in on itself, mass-wise.

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GARY: Superdense...

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I nearly created a cake black hole, it turns out later on.

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Someone said their teeth hurt after eating it.

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TOM: Yes!

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You've got four cakes crushed down!

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'We're out of osmium, best use cake!'

107
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It's diamond.

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The middle of it was a solid diamond, and small other buns were starting to get trapped in its orbit.

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Just walking past a cake shop to take it to work,
and stuff's battering up against the glass.

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[Whooshing noises]

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Cake-based gravity...

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Could...? I was gonna say "Could you do that?"
I'm pretty sure the answer is: no.

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No!

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I'm achieving it as the years pass.

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GARY: Yeah...!

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A long time ago we were talking about Lisa Clayton.

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GARY: Oh yeah, we were, yeah!
TOM: To give her full name...

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Did she go into space?

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Er, no. Lisa Lyttelton, Dowager Viscountess Cobham.
As she is now known.

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Now that's one for your exam paper, isn't it.

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Yep. She set out September 1994,
came back June 1995.

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Tried to discover America;
worked out it had already been done.

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[Laughter]

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[Laughter]
Oh. You know what, you're very close.

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Oh f*** off.

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CHRIS: And you said 285 days...
TOM: Yup.

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Only person to walk across Canada?

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But not seen. People'd see you in Canada.
There are people.

129
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She tried to row across the Atlantic
on her own or something?

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Close enough, I'll give you the point. [DING]

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'Fastest Sail Around the World by a Woman,
Single-Handed Without Assistance'.

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'First British Woman to Sail Single-Handed
and Non-Stop Around the World'.

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Respect!

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Well done to you! That's good work, that is. If you still...

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And to be sat there with one of your hands
just in your pocket!

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What?
Single-handed... Ohh.

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Yeah, just making it look good!

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TOM: Wow...

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That seems like an unnecessary thing to do to yourself.

140
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...encumbrance, isn't it, yeah.

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There'll be a point someone off the Cape of Good Hope,

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You're like, 'I should really have done this
two-handed, but you know...'

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'I did say at the start!'

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MATT: 'An award's an award!'

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A 38-foot yacht. Does anyone want
to take a guess what it was called,

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given that she was sponsored by her university?

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University of Birmingham.

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The Brummie Bastard.

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It's a good name for a boat.
Not quite.

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I was hoping it was sponsored by Staffordshire University, and then she could have been Keelehauled.

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ALL: AYYY!

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Keele is a town in Staffordshire.

153
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Was it
[Brummie accent] the 'Alroight'?

154
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You know what, that's close enough.
It's the Spirit of Birmingham.

155
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I was going to say, HRH Lenny Henry.

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GARY: [Laughing] Spirit of Birmingham...

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I like the way you went with *HRH* Lenny Henry...

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something I'd like to see —
rather than HMS.

159
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Me too.

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31,000-mile journey, single-handed,
round the world, in a yacht...

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Some of the difficulties she'd have had on the way?

162
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Crying. If Ellen MacArthur's anything to go by.

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Yes, if Ellen MacArthur's anything to go by.

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Tesco delivery not turning up.

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To be honest, you have enough
trouble with that anywhere.

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She's just sitting there, sailing around,
trimming the sail...

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All of a sudden, she looks around:

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'Sorry we missed you' —
'I'm sitting right here! How did you manage that?!'

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'I have a hundred miles of visibility in every direction!'

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That's because they've got a Tesco submarine.

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I like the idea of Tesco submarine delivery...

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because it implies there's a Walmart submarine
from a different superpower steadily hunting them.

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And all Asda can afford is a destroyer on the surface,
hoping for the best with depth charges.

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And there's a Carrefour flotilla coming up...

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'We're loading in the granary torpedoes now!'

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Eyyy!

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Granary torpedoes: type of bread.

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CHRIS: I enjoyed it.
TOM: He got it.

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I got it.

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Hardships on the way, as you're
circumnavigating round the world?

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TOM: What might your boat do?

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Fall over!

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Yes. Have a point. [DING]

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I was going to go for, more drastically: sink.

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[Laughter]

186
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Well, she wouldn't have made it round if it sank.

187
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She might have... been able to reinflate it?

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TOM: It's not an inflatable dinghy! It's not...

189
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₤9.99 Tesco summer range inflatable dinghy.

190
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Stood on one end, inflating the other end...

191
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'F***in' hell!'

192
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It's not the Scarborough boating lake
she's trying to circumnavigate here.

193
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No, she went round that enough times
to make up 31,000 miles.

258
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Yeah. Yeah.

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Capsized seven times.

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GARY: How?
MATT: That's all right.

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I don't know how you right a boat
on your own when it's capsized, but...

198
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MATT: Carefully.
CHRIS: Yeah.

199
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Basically, you stand on the rail, and I think
there's a line that attaches to the end of the mast.

200
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I mean, this is the principle for dinghies,
I don't know about a 38-foot yacht.

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TOM: Oh, okay. Yeah.

202
00:08:17.280 --> 00:08:20.080
But basically you haul on that end of it...

203
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Wow. And then you go back in the water as it...

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MATT: And hope it doesn't keep going.
TOM: Yeah.

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Yeah. That's the principle with smaller vessels.

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I don't know if her weight's enough to do it,
or whether she can move ballast across in...

207
00:08:31.820 --> 00:08:33.260
Ah, that's a point, yeah.

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It's probably water-based ballast,
so you pump it up to the topside or something.

209
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Or the side that's out of the water,
and then you lean on it...

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I would have thought you wouldn't go all the way
around the world with a boat you couldn't right.

211
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Because it's capsized, then you've got 'turtle' which
is when the mast's downwards, and then you just...

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GARY: That's it, she's had it.
CHRIS: You go home.

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CHRIS: On the other hand, did you see this thing,
it was earlier in the year...

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You know there are now these carbon trimarans
with solid carbon sails.

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It's just like a big vane on the back.

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They flipped one.

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MATT: [Gasps]
GARY: Oh, I can see that...

218
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They nosed in.

219
00:09:02.260 --> 00:09:03.900
Oh, is this the America's Cup?

220
00:09:04.060 --> 00:09:05.800
The America's Cup one. Yeah.

221
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TOM: That killed a man.
MATT: That killed them. Yeah.

222
00:09:07.760 --> 00:08:03.760
Because the new ones are essentially hydrofoils,
floating above for most of the journey.

223
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CHRIS: Yeah.

224
00:09:13.660 --> 00:09:15.380
Fifty miles an hour, carbon fibre...

225
00:09:15.500 --> 00:09:17.560
Nosed in, flipped it — mast down.

226
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GARY: Yikes.

227
00:09:18.520 --> 00:09:25.240
So the America's Cup works by the winner of the
previous America's Cup sets the rules for the next lot.

228
00:09:25.360 --> 00:09:26.860
Oh, is that it? Ahhh.

229
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TOM: And the person who won the last one was...

230
00:09:28.880 --> 00:09:31.280
I think it was a billionaire who runs Oracle
and all sorts of IT groups.

231
00:09:31.400 --> 00:09:32.820
Yeah, that's it. It was Oracle.

232
00:09:33.000 --> 00:09:36.240
So he said, all the boats — carbon fibre, high speed...

233
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CHRIS: Trimaran...
TOM: Yeah.

234
00:09:37.500 --> 00:09:40.860
Cool things. Essentially, if Batman had a sailing boat...

235
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Yeah.

236
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[Gravelly Batman voice]
'To the Bat-Boat!'

237
00:09:43.360 --> 00:09:45.380
TOM: But when they crash... it's terrifying.
MATT: Everyone dies.

238
00:09:45.540 --> 00:09:48.260
Yeah. Well, only one. Everyone else was sort of injured.

239
00:09:48.400 --> 00:09:49.300
Oh really? I thought it was everyone.

240
00:09:49.460 --> 00:09:53.320
No, no. They were rattled but they managed to
limp it back to port or get it towed or something.

241
00:09:53.460 --> 00:09:57.280
God, that'd be great in other competitions,
if the winner could set the rules for next time.

242
00:09:57.280 --> 00:10:01.400
Boxing! You can have the springy boxing gloves
that come out like that and back in.

243
00:10:02.880 --> 00:10:06.440
And until you beat me using that methodology,
I'm not interested.

244
00:10:06.700 --> 00:10:08.860
We need to get Elon Musk to win tennis.

245
00:10:08.860 --> 00:10:10.760
'Yep. You have to do it in space.'

246
00:10:11.120 --> 00:10:12.640
You mentioned Dame Ellen MacArthur, by the way...

247
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GARY: Yeah.
MATT: Oh yeah.

248
00:10:14.080 --> 00:10:17.320
And it's quite interesting to note the difference between her and Lisa Clayton...

249
00:10:17.320 --> 00:10:21.120
Obviously, Ellen MacArthur —
knighthood for breaking the record...

250
00:10:21.120 --> 00:10:23.800
Lisa Clayton has essentially slipped into obscurity.

251
00:10:23.960 --> 00:10:25.340
Well, not anymore!

252
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TOM: [Laughs]

253
00:10:26.400 --> 00:10:29.520
All eight of you watching, please spread the word!

254
00:10:29.680 --> 00:10:32.160
At the end of the show, congratulations Matt,
you're this week's winner!

255
00:10:32.340 --> 00:10:35.540
Yeeeeeeeeees!

256
00:10:36.000 --> 00:10:37.820
That went on for much longer than I expected it to!

257
00:10:38.000 --> 00:07:58.100
But slightly less long than I was expecting.

258
00:07:58.100 --> 00:07:59.100
Yeah. Yeah.

259
00:10:41.600 --> 00:10:45.880
You win a British Prime Minister's feeding trough
that tells kids to be wary of people they don't know.

260
00:10:45.880 --> 00:10:48.540
It's John Major's Stranger Danger Manger.

261
00:10:48.760 --> 00:10:49.640
Heyyy!

262
00:10:50.480 --> 00:10:51.280
Enjoy that —

263
00:10:51.420 --> 00:10:52.520
I've got a use for one of them, actually.

264
00:10:52.740 --> 00:10:54.340
In the meantime —
I don't want to know why.

265
00:10:54.520 --> 00:10:57.000
TOM: That's been Chris Joel.
CHRIS: Godspeed.

266
00:10:57.120 --> 00:10:58.560
TOM: That's been Gary Brannan...
GARY: Godspeed.

267
00:10:58.660 --> 00:10:59.640
TOM: That's been Matt Gray...
MATT: Bye bye.

268
00:10:59.780 --> 00:11:01.280
I've been Tom Scott, and we'll see you next time.

269
00:11:08.980 --> 00:11:11.940
Is this something like Fish Slapping Dance?

270
00:11:12.260 --> 00:11:13.540
ALL: Ohh!

271
00:11:13.820 --> 00:11:15.340
With a side o' bacon...

272
00:11:15.580 --> 00:11:16.620
Bacon beating!

273
00:11:16.720 --> 00:11:18.000
Brannan, if you'd care to mime with me...

274
00:11:18.200 --> 00:11:18.920
GARY: Go on.

275
00:11:20.780 --> 00:11:21.700
Comme ça?

276
00:11:23.300 --> 00:11:24.900
Bradford Crane, which —

277
00:11:25.040 --> 00:11:26.120
Bradford! [Laughs]

278
00:11:26.640 --> 00:11:27.760
Bradford Crane.

279
00:11:27.760 --> 00:11:29.820
'Hello? Bradford Cranes?'

280
00:11:30.120 --> 00:11:35.360
'Er, yeah, we got a 9-tonne, a 14-tonne,
and er, Maurice Micklewhite...'