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Language: en

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This is the Technical Difficulties.
We're playing Citation Needed.

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Joining me in the studio today:
He reads books, you know — it's Chris Joel!

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[Lapses into gibberish]

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Good start.
Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan — Gary Brannan!

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Coherency!

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And the bounciest man on the internet — Matt Gray!

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Hello YouTube.

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In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia,
and these folks can't see it.

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Every fact they get right gets a point and a ding [DING],

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and the special prize for particularly good answers,
which is...

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Today's article is:
the flitch of bacon custom.

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...on the train.
[Laughter]

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Oh yeah! Good luck with this one, guys.

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Tell me that's not a person.

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Tell me that's not a ceremonial position
in the House — in Parliament.

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The Black Rod! The Flitch of Bacon Custom!

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Oh, excuse me a second... got a flitch of bacon.

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The flitch of bacon...

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Is it the custom of the flitch of bacon?

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TOM: Yes it is.

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Yeah. Is a flitch an amount, or cut, or volume of bacon?

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Yes! Have a point. [DING]

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A unit of bacon measure.

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It's a fairly thick slab.

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Right...

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It's basically what you cut up
to make thin rashers of bacon.

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CHRIS: Right!

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Okay. So we're actually talking
proper bacon, and a size of.

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TOM: Yes.

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Is this something like Fish Slapping Dance?

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ALL: Ohh!

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With a side o' bacon...

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Bacon beating!

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Brannan, if you'd care to mime with me...

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GARY: Go on.

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Comme ça?

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Entire pig.
Boom! Into the Thames.

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Well actually, an entire pig would go, 'OEEEK!'
as it comes through there.

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'Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist —'

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BOOM!

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Pigs do fly!

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They do if you stick a jet engine on the top of 'em.

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Science!
[Laughter]

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'An experiment was carried out,
attaching a small jet engine to —'

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I think that oversteps the boundaries
from technical mirthery to animal cruelty.

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CHRIS: Pig murder.

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Where is the boundary there?

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I think it's the bit where you
strapped a jet engine to a pig.

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To be fair, we could use a dead pig.

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Just to test the concept.

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Wait, wait, wait.

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Heat off jet engine — delicious, delicious bacon!

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I'm thinking, yeah, we wrap the outside of the pig

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in some fuel that isn't as noxious as jet fuel,

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so that when it inevitably crashes...

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Boomf! Instant bacon.

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Wait, crackling as well?

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CHRIS: Instant barbecue, yeah.

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GARY: The heat you get round the edge
of that'll sort the skin out!

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GARY and MATT: Ohhh.

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We just need to sneak onto a runway at Heathrow,

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with, I assume, like, a garden fork with a pig on the end,

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and we need a military jet with an afterburner.

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I don't think we really need an afterburner...

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We just need any kind of burner.

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A jet engine probably produces
enough heat without an afterburner.

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Eh, I'm going for spectacle, to be honest.

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The flitch of bacon custom, gentlemen.

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Okay, we're talking Ye Olde, aren't we.

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Um... how Ye Olde?

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Medieval?

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14th, 15th century?

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Yeah, I'll give you that. [DING]

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It can be traced back to at least the 14th century,
survived until about the 18th. Have a point.

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Is it in this country?

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TOM: Yes. Very much so.

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I'm going to say it's one of the wackier parts
of this fine nation, am I right?

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Yes.

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Are we talking southern, the kind of place
where they throw cheese down a hill and chase it,

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when, to be honest, you can go to
any old shop and find still cheese?

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It's not quite that violent.

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The thrill of the hunt, old man!
[Laughter]

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It's f***ing cheese!

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Who wants an Edam that doesn't fight back?

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I mean, there's someone out there,
bless you in Gloucestershire...

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It is in Gloucestershire, isn't it?

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It is in Gloucestershire, the cheese-rolling.

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The cheese-rolling. Someone out there has
f***ed their ankle and goes into hospital,

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and years later: 'How did you break your ankle, Daddy?'

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'Well, I was chasing a giant Edam...' or whatever it is.

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The Gloucestershire cheese-rolling,
for anyone who doesn't know,

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is an event every spring in Gloucestershire

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where they get a lot of people at the top
of a hill, chuck a roll of cheese down,

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and then everyone just kind of rag-dolls after it.

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They say you're meant to run down the hill,
after about ten seconds...

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It's less of a run... it's more of a
windmill-cum-flailing, isn't it.

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TOM: Yeah.

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Who... who wants a placid, tasteless cheese,

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when you can have one that's run wild
and free and developed true taste?

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Do you do that all the time then?
Do you just go to a supermarket,

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get a Müller Crunch Corner and whang it
down a hill because it tastes better?

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It's how you mature them.

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CHRIS: Absolutely!
[Laughter]

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By the way, the cheese-rolling thing,
for the last few years...

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can you tell me why it's not quite been
as safe as it might have been?

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Er... the land mines.

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Yeah, just rolling land mines down.

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GARY: There was a mix-up.

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CHRIS: Due to cheese shortages.

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Chutney explosions.

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[Explosion sounds]

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Was it still in the cow?

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The answer is that it was official until about 2010.

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Then it got banned on grounds for health and safety,
so people just turn up and do it anyway.

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CHRIS: Wahey!

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...only without as much medical support.

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Oh s***!

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Good on ya, Gloucestershians!

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A long time ago, you asked whether it was down south.

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And... well, sort of.

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Is it bottom left? Bottom right?

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There's references to it in Essex...

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But there's also references to it
in Staffordshire, up near Burton-on-Trent.

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So it's all in the South.

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Thank you, Yorkshireman. Okay, yes.
By Yorkshire standards, it's in the South.

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The South... where they drink beer wrong
and the tea tastes funny.

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Is it that certain local yeomen of certain standing

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must donate X much to the local lord

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from the first cut of bacon of the year or...

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That's what I was going to go with.

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No, it's bacon that is given to someone.

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And to be honest, there's only one person at this table
who would be eligible for it right now.

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Married man?

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Married man and his partner, yes.

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Hello!

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TOM: Have a point. [DING]

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He did say you've got to be virtuous as well, mate.

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...on the train.
[Laughter]

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[Laughter]
Hey, hey, hey, now...

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It's given a year and a day after the wedding...

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GARY: Cool.

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To a man and his wife, because this is
ancient times and it was a man and *his* wife...

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GARY: Indeed, yes, yes...

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...who can attest to something, after a year and a day.

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That they've not 'done it'.

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That they've done it every day!

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That's grounds for annulment, not a celebration, Gary.

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TOM: You're closer...

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Without going over.

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MATT: They will produce children.

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It's something to do with the marriage.
It's not to do with anything else.

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It's something they feel about the marriage.

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Divorce?

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No, quite the opposite.

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You get your marriage upgraded to a supermarriage.

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That's all I can think of!

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It kind of already is, at this point.

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You would do it again.
You would recommend it to a friend.

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You redo your vows!

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I'm going to give Gary the point. [DING]

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That you don't regret it. That you have
never regretted it in that year and a day.

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If you can testify that you —
I'm not going to ask you that question, Gary...

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but if you can testify that you have never —

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Well, put it this way:
I am due me some bacon!

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And the other thing is, it's going to get to day 364:

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'Yeah, it's been pretty poor, but we want
this bacon, don't we love?'  'Yeah.'

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'But there is a bit of bacon on the way,
so how about we just...'

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I think we can land the second year
on the back of the bacon.

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GARY: Yeah.

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The flitch of bacon was actually referred to
in a very famous book.

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Chaucer.

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Yeah, absolutely right. Referred to in Chaucer. [DING]

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'...in a way that makes clear the reference
would already be well known to the reader.'

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CHRIS: Ah, okay.
TOM: So this is pretty widespread.

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Did he do a look down the camera and go,
'Y'know what I mean?'

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It's in the Wife of Bath's prologue.

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GARY: Is that the one where the nun farts on them?

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Oh blimey, right. So he probably did
look down the camera and go,

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'If you know what I mean!'

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'The bacon was nat fet for hem, I trowe,
That som men han in Essex at Dunmowe.'

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Which is the place that...

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TOM: I'm mispronouncing that,
obviously, because Chaucer.

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Good effort, old boy. Good effort.

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You probably did better than we did.

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I'd like to point out that I know nothing about Chaucer.

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I just know, that's an old book,
and whenever I say 'Chaucer' I get it right.

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...on the train.
[Laughter]

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[Laughter]
Yeah. Point, by the way.

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CHRIS: Chaucer — point!

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'And thannen he gaven to him a pointe!'

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'And thereof pronounced a ding.'

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Ding!

193
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'A ding from table woode!'

194
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'And Biscuits of Mysterie, for foode.'

195
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We got that.

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Right. Flitch trials, as they were called —

197
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'Welcome to the 7 O'Clock News. I'm Flitch Trials.'

198
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Is that like a witch trial?

199
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'I accuse you of being bacon and
I'm going to have to burn you.'

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The best thing is, he's pointing
at a pig when he says that.

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CHRIS: [Oinks]

202
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CHRIS: That was the worst pig...
GARY: [Oinks more realistically]

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Thank you. My pig impression was terrible.

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TOM: Hold on! Gary Brannan impressions: Pig.
GARY: [Oinks]

205
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TOM: Goose.
GARY: [Honks]

206
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TOM: Train.
GARY: [Two-tone horn]

207
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Goose on a train?

208
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[Horn and roaring engine]

209
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Thank you.

210
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That's not getting old, for some reason.

211
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I love the way that the goose is never just
sat on the train, it always ends up...

212
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...on the train.
[Laughter]

213
00:08:09.700 --> 00:08:11.860
Well, you said 'on'. You didn't say in what state.

214
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There's a lovely old thing in linguistics,

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about mass and count nouns,
the difference between them.

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'There was A goose on the train'
versus 'There was goose on the train'.

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Yes.

218
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The worst thing is, he's talking about
the copilot from Top Gun.

219
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What are you required to bring along
to a flitch trial to prove that —

220
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Applesauce.

221
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Fair point.

222
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Better question: *Who* are you required to produce?

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Vicar.

224
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TOM: Not quite.

225
00:08:41.560 --> 00:08:42.400
Your mum.

226
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Oh yeah. Your best man, or something like that.

227
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MATT: Your wife.
CHRIS: Witnesses of some species.

228
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Yup.

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GARY: Neighbours.

230
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Point. [DING] Two of your neighbours
to prove that the oath is true.

231
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Yeah, prove that they haven't had any rows. Yeah.

232
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That't probably work quite well, actually.

233
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Well, in a lot of these kind of cases,

234
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working as I do with these kind of things to do with —

235
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Gonna say, can we get an archivist shout here?

236
00:09:03.460 --> 00:09:07.460
Yeah, in a lot of these kind of
non-consummation cases or adultery,

237
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a lot of the evidence comes from neighbours,

238
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who have obviously been peeping out the back window
and going, 'Ooh, that's not the missus.'

239
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So assuming you win the flitch of bacon...

240
00:09:16.060 --> 00:09:19.160
What happens? You get the bacon, and then...?

241
00:09:19.260 --> 00:09:20.720
Feast for friends and family!

242
00:09:20.820 --> 00:09:22.220
A grand ceremony. [DING]

243
00:09:22.220 --> 00:09:26.240
With 'trompets, tabourets,
and other manoir of mynstralcie'.

244
00:09:26.360 --> 00:09:29.580
That's what you'd expect, I'd imagine,
for that kind of size of thing?

245
00:09:30.120 --> 00:09:31.620
But you'd be doing that a lot.

246
00:09:31.620 --> 00:09:34.780
I was going to say, there's a lot of
weddings we're talking about here.

247
00:09:34.780 --> 00:09:39.700
Have we just got pigs and pigs and pigs,
and minstrels knackered from playing every day?

248
00:09:39.800 --> 00:09:42.620
Well, this is the thing. It doesn't seem
to have been claimed all that often.

249
00:09:43.260 --> 00:09:46.120
Oh, it's one of these things that's on the books
but you've got to ask for it, right?

250
00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:47.220
TOM: Yup.
CHRIS: Yeah.

251
00:09:47.520 --> 00:09:50.760
How many times is the famous flitch at Dunmow
known to have been claimed?

252
00:09:50.860 --> 00:09:52.740
I'm going to say really low,
like four or five or something like that.

253
00:09:52.820 --> 00:09:53.680
MATT: Fifteen.

254
00:09:53.840 --> 00:09:55.440
I'm going to split the difference and say nine.

255
00:09:55.580 --> 00:09:57.200
I'm going to give Gary the point. Six.

256
00:09:57.260 --> 00:09:58.020
Really.

257
00:09:58.100 --> 00:09:58.940
Six that we know about. [DING]

258
00:09:59.020 --> 00:10:00.200
When was it repealed?

259
00:10:00.860 --> 00:10:06.040
Um, it sort of fell apart in the 15th, 16th century
dissolution of the monasteries around then.

260
00:10:06.280 --> 00:10:07.560
GARY: Okay, yeah.

261
00:10:07.800 --> 00:10:11.080
But it was revived in Victorian times, of course.

262
00:10:11.240 --> 00:10:14.640
Natch. In their quest for anything Ye Olde
to legitimize everything.

263
00:10:14.720 --> 00:10:15.600
TOM and CHRIS: Yup.

264
00:10:15.760 --> 00:10:16.900
Can you still do it now?

265
00:10:17.160 --> 00:10:18.060
I'm going to say...

266
00:10:18.220 --> 00:10:19.140
Probably.

267
00:10:19.280 --> 00:10:22.660
I don't know, maybe if you pay for the bacon
or something like that, I can see.

268
00:10:22.760 --> 00:10:24.720
I could just go to the butcher's and pay for bacon.

269
00:10:24.800 --> 00:10:26.220
No, but you know what I mean.

270
00:10:26.220 --> 00:09:46.240
You can have the ceremony,
but you must purchase a flitch of bacon.

283
00:09:46.240 --> 00:10:29.860
GARY: Natch.
CHRIS: Yeah.

272
00:10:29.860 --> 00:10:32.160
You can actually go every four years.

273
00:10:32.160 --> 00:10:34.760
Once every four years, every leap year in Dunmow,

274
00:10:34.760 --> 00:10:37.320
there is the Dunmow Flitch Trials Committee...

275
00:10:37.500 --> 00:10:38.380
Like it.

276
00:10:38.500 --> 00:10:39.920
TOM: Complete with jury.

277
00:10:40.160 --> 00:10:41.900
Next one's in 2016.

278
00:10:42.100 --> 00:10:45.020
If it was me, I would be trying to plan my wedding then,
so I could claim the bacon.

279
00:10:45.160 --> 00:10:46.120
To land it on...

280
00:10:47.080 --> 00:10:49.960
I've now looked up the official one here...

281
00:10:49.960 --> 00:10:52.580
The next one will be on the 9th of July, 2016,

282
00:10:52.580 --> 00:09:46.240
because there is a website, of course,
for the Dunmow Flitch Trials.

283
00:09:46.240 --> 00:10:29.860
GARY: Natch.
CHRIS: Yeah.

284
00:10:57.080 --> 00:11:02.120
There is a list of the successful claimants
going all the way back to 1445...

285
00:11:02.340 --> 00:11:03.400
Good work.

286
00:11:03.800 --> 00:11:08.840
And they've also awarded flitches to a couple of couples.
Who might that be?

287
00:11:09.740 --> 00:11:11.240
Charles and Diana.

288
00:11:11.380 --> 00:11:12.800
Point. [DING] In fact...

289
00:11:14.200 --> 00:11:16.600
Charles and Diana got the flitch...

290
00:11:16.600 --> 00:11:19.300
Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson
just got a copy of the Flitch Oath.

291
00:11:19.560 --> 00:11:21.160
What's the Flitch Oath?

292
00:11:21.160 --> 00:11:24.820
'I pledge allegiance to this bacon
what you have given me. Ta.'

293
00:11:25.380 --> 00:11:29.340
'In a twelve months time and a day /
Repented not in thought in any way'.

294
00:11:29.540 --> 00:11:30.420
Ohhh.

295
00:11:30.540 --> 00:11:32.440
Which is actually a fairly strong oath to take.

296
00:11:32.540 --> 00:11:33.600
GARY: Yeah, that is, yeah.

297
00:11:33.720 --> 00:11:35.760
You've never, ever wandered at any point
during that year and a day.

298
00:11:35.900 --> 00:11:38.860
Don't forget the medieval fear of Hell and Church
and damnation and everything else there, yeah.

299
00:11:38.980 --> 00:11:41.640
Yes. That's actually a serious oath to take.

300
00:11:42.200 --> 00:11:46.160
So you can still do it, if any one of us
got married at some point in 2015...

301
00:11:46.160 --> 00:11:48.260
And that is about all there is to it.

302
00:11:48.260 --> 00:11:51.500
So it does continue.
They have patrons who are providing the bacon,

303
00:11:51.500 --> 00:11:54.040
and making sure it continues,
and is one of these ridiculous —

304
00:11:54.200 --> 00:11:55.700
Bacon patrons!

305
00:11:55.840 --> 00:11:56.960
We salute you, butchers!

306
00:11:57.100 --> 00:11:59.220
...ridiculous British traditions
that continues on to this day.

307
00:11:59.580 --> 00:12:00.340
Good!

308
00:12:00.520 --> 00:12:02.280
At the end of the show,
congratulations Gary, you win...

309
00:12:02.460 --> 00:12:03.640
YES!

310
00:12:03.880 --> 00:12:07.720
You win a gift certificate for the shop
owned by a Treasure Hunt skyrunner,

311
00:12:07.720 --> 00:12:11.440
which sells small rodents, pests that live in hair,
and adult magazines.

312
00:12:12.320 --> 00:12:14.960
It's Mice, Lice and Vice by Anneka Rice.

313
00:12:15.640 --> 00:12:17.800
So enjoy that gift certificate.

314
00:12:17.800 --> 00:12:20.300
I'm starting to run out of these jokes,
do suggest some more...

315
00:12:20.440 --> 00:12:22.520
That one was good! It just built and built and built.

316
00:12:22.520 --> 00:12:23.780
So no, no. Respect.

317
00:12:24.260 --> 00:12:26.920
TOM: In the meantime, thank you to Chris Joel...

318
00:12:26.920 --> 00:12:28.400
TOM: To Gary Brannan...

319
00:12:28.400 --> 00:12:29.160
TOM: To Matt Gray...
MATT: Bye!

320
00:12:29.260 --> 00:12:31.000
I've been Tom Scott.
We'll see you next time.

321
00:12:32.240 --> 00:12:35.840
Today's show is sponsored by
the new STI board game...

322
00:12:36.260 --> 00:12:37.780
Hungry Hungry Herpes.

323
00:12:38.920 --> 00:12:43.440
...It's the tune that Blur did
that landed on Mars with Beagle 2.

324
00:12:43.560 --> 00:12:45.440
It didn't land — well, it did land!

325
00:12:45.640 --> 00:12:46.360
It landed!

326
00:12:46.540 --> 00:12:49.380
It landed at high velocity! Downwards.

327
00:12:49.540 --> 00:12:52.160
I know there's a thin line
between 'landing' and 'impact', but...

328
00:12:52.160 --> 00:12:54.340
I tell that to the wife all the time.

329
00:12:55.340 --> 00:12:58.120
The one thing I do know about Wolverhampton,
they've got battered chips.

330
00:12:58.760 --> 00:12:59.820
Oooh.

331
00:13:00.120 --> 00:13:00.980
Eh?

332
00:13:01.280 --> 00:13:02.380
Two very different reactions there.

333
00:13:02.380 --> 00:13:03.560
I went,
[Disappointed] 'Ohh.'

334
00:13:03.560 --> 00:13:05.240
Matt went, 'Yep, yep, I'll have that.'

335
00:13:05.360 --> 00:13:07.200
Yeah. I'm with Matt on this.