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Language: en

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This is the Technical Difficulties.
We're playing Citation Needed.

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Joining me in the studio today:
He reads books, you know — it's Chris Joel!

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I can see that I'm destined to be permanently surprised
by us starting over and over again today.

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Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan — Gary Brannan!

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And the bounciest man on the internet — Matt Gray!

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Hello YouTube.

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In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia,
and these folks can't see it.

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Every fact they get right gets a point and a ding [DING],

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and the special prize for particularly good answers,
which is...

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[Sings]  Hitting the taaable!

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'Dave's dead!'
[Laughter]

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[Laughter]
Oh no!

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Forgot my buzzer.
Completely forgot to bring my buzzer.

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Today's article is...
The coffin ray.

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[Coughing] 'I'm a fish and I killed Steve Irwin.'

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GARY and TOM: Ohhh.

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GARY: So R-A-Y.

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Yes, R-A-Y.

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MATT: ...Charles?

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First of all, you're getting a point for 'fish'. [DING]

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Heyyy!

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But it's not the one that killed Steve Irwin.

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No, that one's already been sent to the electric chair.

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That was also a sting ray, which...

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["Stingray" riff]
Da da laa dup daaa dup!

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["Stingray" bassline]
Bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom!

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[Steve Irwin voice]
'Crikey! I've got hold of it!'

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'But anything could happen in the next half hour!'

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No... he was killed by a stinger.

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This is a coffin ray, so it kills with...?

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Coffins!

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Just chucking boxes at folk.

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Shark... 'Come on! I'll 'ave yer!'

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Yaaagh!

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Scuba diver... Boom!

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What you don't realize is,
he's actually a skilled carpenter as well.

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Is it some new version of like, Donkey Kong?

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GARY: Yeah! Totally!

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You know, for the Wii,
now you've got 3-D graphics, and...

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Monkey and barrels, done to death.

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Right... boom!

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Lob a coffin...

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The thing is: beautiful brass handles,
all done out inside...

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Bonus points if you can get the door to open,

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and close on what you're throwing it at...

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and then it lands in the hole.

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Let's face it: that's the undertaker's dream, isn't it.

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It's got the diver going, 'Dat da da da...'

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'What the... ooof!'
Boom! Doors closing — sea bed.

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I like Gary's idea. You've got some sort of
Rube Goldberg machine...

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So on the one hand, you've got your stiff laid out here,
your coffin here,

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And just differently weighted catapults:
Badoong...

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Whoosh — boomf!
[Laughter]

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The coffin ray kills with something that isn't a stinger.

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Kindness.

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Withering put-downs.

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'I've seen better.'

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Actually, he's got his tail,
that's in the shape of a pipe there.

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Yeah, just swept round.
Well, if it's not a stinger...!

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Is it electrocution?

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TOM: Yes it is. Have a point. [DING]
CHRIS: Heyyy!

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Why the coffin ray, then?
I have never seen an electric coffin.

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Though I do want neon round mine, I've said that.

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[Laughter]
Yeah. Yeah.

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CHRIS: That'd be cool.

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GARY: That's just a car battery
you'd need in there, isn't it?

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Bzzt... bzzt.
'Occupied'.

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'No Rooms'.

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That is a good question, actually:
Why would it be called the coffin ray?

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Given in mind it's a ray, so it's a flat fish.

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Does it kill you?

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Probably because it's got that distinctive shape.

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That's a coffin shape.

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*You* get a point... [DING]
*You're* wrong — it doesn't.

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Normally it gives you a nasty shock,
but it doesn't generally kill people.

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But you're right, it gets bloated after...

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Yeah. It's in your wardrobe at night when you get home...

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GARY: Boo!
CHRIS: Aagh!

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Wouldn't be so bad,
but it's filled the damn thing with water to survive!

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TOM: Bloosh!
GARY: Actually no, it's...

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It's in your bog system, isn't it?
[Laughter]

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Bzzt! Bzzt!

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'Occupied'.

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It's also called the crampfish.

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GARY: The crampfish?
TOM: Crampfish.

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Is it because the electric shock merely inspires cramp?

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No, it's because whoever it's with is made to look s***.

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[Laughter]
Cramps your style, man.

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Yes. The electric ray kills you with an electric shock,
or attempts to kill you with an electric shock.

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How does it generate that?

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Friction!

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It's got a piece of carpet on the bottom of the river...
[Laughter]

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Goes back and forth and then sits there,

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going, 'F***ing Steve Irwin!'

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I was going to say, pedal-powered dynamo behind it.
[Laughter]

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Ah, that's brilliant!
What does it pedal with? It's got no feet.

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Little wings, it's got.

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No, it's peddling things. It's selling them.

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Yeah!

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Ahh! Just buys batteries.

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TOM: Ah. Ah.

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CHRIS: Oh. Ah.
GARY: He's got a battery? F*** off.

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Er, point! [DING]

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CHRIS: Duracell!

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What, double A? What?

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Surely it's a capacitor.

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It was essentially one of the inspirations for batteries,

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when Alessandro Volta and Galvani...

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...stuck one in the back of his radio
and noticed it worked briefly.

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MATT: It's got a lead-acid gland.
TOM: They were using it as...

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Replace the steam engine with a fish!

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'A bank of a thousand of these
could light an entire factory, Ichabod!'

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'We've thrown one in the boiler. It's water...'

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'Maybe we could *extract* the electricity.'

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'And store it in a jar, or jug, or other piece.'

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...a jug of electricity!

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'Oh no, iPod's gone flat.'

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Bloop-bloop-bloop!
'Crackin'!'

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'Get the ray out...'

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It is essentially what's called a voltaic pile.

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I've had them. I've got an ointment.
[Laughter]

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Yeah. Okay.
I realized the moment that came out of my mouth...

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Surely just something that's not properly earthed,
so you can just discharge them.

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'Get that copper pipe away or it'll arc.'

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Ba-boom!

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Shortest route to ground!

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Where do we find it? If you want to go and find a...

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Water!

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TOM: Okay. Yes. Not giving you a point for that.
GARY: The seas.

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CHRIS: Not the seas. Rivers.

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MATT: Hot seas.
CHRIS: Big rivers.

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Er... you're closer. It's essentially...

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The Deep Hole.

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Hull?

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It's an ugly-looking fish that wants to kill you.
Where's it going to live?

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— Australia.
— Point. [DING]

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It's one of the few things that isn't poisonous.

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It can actually generate up to about two hundred volts.

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At what current?

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Yes, I was going to say,
'It's the volts that jolts; it's the mills that kills.'

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TOM: It doesn't actually say that but, er...

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Ooo...

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It also spends most of the day buried in sediment,
with only a little...

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Building up friction.

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GARY: Yep.

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'Don't you come near me, or so help you,
I'll stick you to the wall!'

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But that is a...

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It conceals itself on the sea floor,
which is a problem because...?

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You stand on it.

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Point. [DING]

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It turns out that if you just have
the ray sitting there in sand,

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and you just pour some seawater on it, what happens?

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It goes 'pfffftttt!' and arcs.

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CHRIS: Wow!

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I thought that was the arcing, but no! First, that's...

156
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No, that was the flapping of the fish going 'Water!'

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Building up the charge. I'm with you, yes.

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You get a shock up it.

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Yeah, you do. [DING] It's still strong enough
that you can get enough of a shock

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all the way up the seawater you're pouring on it.

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Don't piss on it.

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Don't piss on the electric ray!

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I am... I have to look up and see if that advice...

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I think you just don't piss on anyone called Ray.

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That's true.

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Men called Raymond have been
campaigning for that for years.

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'Stop pissing on me!'

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I can tell you that, having searched for that...

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There's a lot of talk about urinating on an electric fence,

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and standing on a ray...

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But as far as I can tell...

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GARY: No one's done the two at the same time.

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No one has ever researched peeing on an electric ray.

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Nobody's stood on a fence and pissed on a fish.

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Australia, it's on you.

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If any of you have weed on an electric ray and lived...

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Well, you will have lived to tell the tale, but...

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TOM: Yeah, do tell us in the comments.

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GARY: What's it like?
TOM: Yeah.

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MATT: Or a video response.

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GARY: Oh yeah, film it.

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Oh. Don't...!

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Do film it... just from a very careful angle.

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What does the coffin ray feed on?

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Normally. I mean, obviously it shocks...

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Coffins!

187
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Plankton.

188
00:07:07.620 --> 00:07:09.120
Er, no... bigger things than that.

189
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Big plankton.

190
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Close. No.

191
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Chips.

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TOM: Erm...

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MATT: Shrimp.
TOM: Like... you're...

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I'm nowhere near!
Stop trying to manufacture this as a clue.

195
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Well, it's something that goes with chips...

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Fish!

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There we go! [DING]

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'Benthic bony fishes'.

199
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Excuse me?

200
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MATT: Benthic?
GARY: Is that a brand?

201
00:07:31.440 --> 00:07:33.360
No, it's a depth in the ocean.

202
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It's a subset of the sort of strata
that exist in waters of the ocean.

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It is! Have a point. [DING]

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CHRIS: Heyyy!
GARY: There you go. Well done.

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MATT: Benthic.
CHRIS: Yeah, it's the benthic zone.

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I can't remember if it's the top or the middle
or the bottom, but as you go down...

207
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So is that like in The Crystal Maze?

208
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You go through one, then you get to the Benthic zone...

209
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Yeah! If Richard O'Brien was in scuba gear.

210
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And can we just pause for a second for that image?

211
00:07:53.880 --> 00:07:54.940
...and all enjoy that image.

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He would look like a pint of Guinness.

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It's a three-quarter one.
They're cut off so you can see his bandy little legs...

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Little harmonica attached to it just here.

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CHRIS: Yeah. Yeah.
GARY: You'd need a little... well, you'd need a belt.

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Instead of a knife in his boot: harmonica.

217
00:08:05.700 --> 00:08:08.480
Yeah. And actually the harmonica
is specially adapted to work underwater.

218
00:08:08.580 --> 00:08:09.480
CHRIS: Yeah, absolutely.

219
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I was seeing a belt for weights,
because he's quite a light fellow.

220
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Oh yeah, yeah. He's a spry lad.
We're going to have to...

221
00:08:13.340 --> 00:08:14.780
But he could have a harmonica clip there...

222
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Yeah, and we're going deep,
so you know he needs a lot of weight.

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GARY: Wait, what are we talking about?
CHRIS: Going Deep, with Richard O'Brien.

372
00:00:30.880 --> 00:00:30.880
'Dave's dead!'
[Laughter]

225
00:08:18.180 --> 00:08:19.380
[Laughter]
Good name.

226
00:08:19.540 --> 00:08:21.480
You would pass through —
is the benthic zone at the top?

227
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TOM: It's the bottom.
CHRIS: It's at the bottom? Oh, blimey.

228
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So you'd pass through the blah-blah-blah zone...

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GARY: Industrial, Aztec...
CHRIS: And as the pressure increases,

230
00:08:27.400 --> 00:08:31.420
there are distinct changes in salinity,
and what can exist there and so on.

231
00:08:31.420 --> 00:08:33.920
And apparently the benthic zone is at the bottom.

232
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Can we now make Richard O'Brien's
Journey to the Bottom of the Sea?

233
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I've just got the thought of it,

234
00:08:38.660 --> 00:08:41.480
instead of being like your traditional
underwater nature documentary, narrated,

235
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I actually want to see it presented by him doing
pieces to camera from the bottom of the ocean...

236
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CHRIS: Yeah.

237
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But all you'd hear is the honking, wheezing...
[Laughter]

238
00:08:48.560 --> 00:08:50.880
[Honking, wheezing and bubbling]

239
00:08:51.500 --> 00:08:54.760
When I signed the contract,
I assumed a submarine or diving bell.

240
00:08:54.900 --> 00:08:55.800
[Laughter]
Or bluescreen.

241
00:08:55.920 --> 00:08:57.880
You can't take a bluescreen underwater!

242
00:08:59.100 --> 00:09:03.260
Take a greenscreen down,
and just 'Shop in a desert behind him.

243
00:09:03.260 --> 00:09:04.240
'...the hell?!'

244
00:09:05.180 --> 00:09:06.580
[Bubbling]

245
00:09:06.900 --> 00:09:10.720
So this is Richard O'Brien's Journey to the Sahara
Under the Bottom of the Sea.

246
00:09:10.820 --> 00:09:14.040
Richard O'Brien Drowns in the Sahara, Under the Sea.

247
00:09:15.080 --> 00:09:16.480
Sorry, Richard.

248
00:09:17.180 --> 00:09:20.220
There are some very large creatures that have been found in the stomachs of these rays...

249
00:09:20.220 --> 00:09:22.240
Not just fishes. Any ideas what those might be?

250
00:09:22.340 --> 00:09:23.160
Sharks!

251
00:09:23.320 --> 00:09:24.480
Duncan Goodhews.

252
00:09:25.700 --> 00:09:27.280
CHRIS: Max Bygraves.
[Laughter]

253
00:09:27.980 --> 00:09:29.820
Not quite that kind of size.

254
00:09:30.060 --> 00:09:31.300
A truck.

255
00:09:32.340 --> 00:09:34.660
The International Space Station.

256
00:09:35.820 --> 00:09:37.660
Brian Blessed's underwear drawer.

257
00:09:38.380 --> 00:09:39.500
Big underwear drawer.

258
00:09:40.060 --> 00:09:41.260
Salma Hayek.

259
00:09:43.540 --> 00:09:45.380
The Library of Alexandria.

260
00:09:45.480 --> 00:09:46.620
A Mark IV Cortina.

261
00:09:47.840 --> 00:09:49.040
They're normally things on land...

262
00:09:49.160 --> 00:09:49.800
A fridge!

263
00:09:49.900 --> 00:09:50.820
TOM: But they are... they are...

264
00:09:50.960 --> 00:09:51.760
Tigers!

265
00:09:51.900 --> 00:09:53.320
Not quite that big. Erm...

266
00:09:53.460 --> 00:09:54.580
Vladimir Putin.

267
00:09:58.740 --> 00:10:00.580
You said, 'big things that live on land'.

268
00:10:00.580 --> 00:10:01.840
We'll get there eventually.

269
00:10:02.100 --> 00:10:03.520
Rats and penguins.

270
00:10:03.760 --> 00:10:04.420
Awww.

271
00:10:04.560 --> 00:10:05.620
Penguins?!

272
00:10:05.800 --> 00:10:09.620
It's taken penguins. They've found...
penguins in the stomachs of these rays.

273
00:10:09.780 --> 00:10:12.160
I'm sorry, but I do find the image of...

274
00:10:12.160 --> 00:10:14.500
a penguin poddling across the beach,

275
00:10:14.500 --> 00:10:16.300
and then suddenly going, BZZZZT!

276
00:10:16.300 --> 00:10:17.220
...quite hilarious.

277
00:10:17.340 --> 00:10:18.140
MATT: Awww.

278
00:10:18.300 --> 00:10:20.680
Would all his feathers fly off, and just leave him

279
00:10:20.680 --> 00:10:23.980
kind of that pinky naked colour,
but with smoke coming out of his bill?

280
00:10:24.080 --> 00:10:25.680
I met a penguin the other week.

281
00:10:25.780 --> 00:10:26.860
Was he in a shop?

282
00:10:27.040 --> 00:10:28.700
Did you ask him that question?

283
00:10:28.920 --> 00:10:30.440
'What would happen if you were electrocuted?

284
00:10:30.440 --> 00:10:32.300
'Would your feathers fly off
and smoke come out of your bill?'

285
00:10:32.420 --> 00:10:33.700
It didn't feel feathery.

286
00:10:33.820 --> 00:10:35.300
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... 'feel'.

287
00:10:35.460 --> 00:10:37.800
Hang on. Rewind. How did you meet a penguin?

288
00:10:38.020 --> 00:10:40.880
Okay, later question: How do you *feel* a penguin?

289
00:10:40.880 --> 00:10:42.120
But first of all, how can you meet a penguin?

290
00:10:42.240 --> 00:10:43.460
Well, kind of like this sort of thing...
[Laughter]

291
00:10:44.340 --> 00:10:45.480
'Oh my...'

292
00:10:47.260 --> 00:10:48.860
So I was in the desert...

293
00:10:49.080 --> 00:10:51.560
...of course. With Richard O'Brien.

294
00:10:51.620 --> 00:10:54.200
So you were actually under the sea, yeah?

295
00:10:56.140 --> 00:10:58.020
And in said desert, in Dubai...

296
00:10:58.240 --> 00:10:59.520
GARY: Oh, right...
TOM: Dubai, okay.

297
00:10:59.700 --> 00:11:01.840
Where anything happens and usually does...

298
00:11:02.000 --> 00:11:02.960
Home of ridiculous buildings.

299
00:11:03.140 --> 00:11:05.180
Yes. There is a ski centre in Dubai.

300
00:11:05.300 --> 00:11:06.820
GARY: Naturellement.
CHRIS: Because you can.

301
00:11:06.940 --> 00:11:09.460
Because if you've got the money to live in Dubai,

302
00:11:09.460 --> 00:11:12.480
you can't afford to fly to France and go on real snow.

303
00:11:13.780 --> 00:11:17.140
So outside, it's 45 degrees. Inside, it's minus 4.

304
00:11:17.260 --> 00:11:18.920
Was he greeting you as you entered?
'Wak.'

305
00:11:19.060 --> 00:11:20.420
They sort of wave as they run.

306
00:11:20.920 --> 00:11:23.660
'Aaaa, it's Matt Gray! I seen you on the internet!'

307
00:11:25.580 --> 00:11:27.820
Were you supposed to be in the penguin enclosure?

308
00:11:28.260 --> 00:11:32.600
Yeah, they have sort of a
penguin sanctuary kind of thing in this...

309
00:11:33.080 --> 00:11:35.700
TOM: For all those lost penguins in the desert.
GARY: For those lost desert penguins, yeah.

310
00:11:36.780 --> 00:11:39.940
And yeah, they have a 'Meet the Penguins' experience.

311
00:11:39.940 --> 00:11:42.720
You all sit on the bench, the penguins run in...

312
00:11:43.460 --> 00:11:45.020
'Waheyyy!'

313
00:11:45.160 --> 00:00:30.880
*That's* getting GIFed.

372
00:00:30.880 --> 00:00:30.880
'Dave's dead!'
[Laughter]

315
00:11:49.320 --> 00:11:51.220
And then they're like, 'Do you want to touch it?'

316
00:11:52.240 --> 00:11:54.000
GARY: That's a seedy question to ask, isn't it?

317
00:11:54.160 --> 00:11:55.760
'I'll touch a penguin.'

318
00:11:55.760 --> 00:11:57.980
And the penguin... they get the penguin
to stand like that in front of you.

319
00:11:58.800 --> 00:12:01.600
And you can touch its back and it... it feels like a snake.

367
00:12:02.220 --> 00:12:03.300
ALL: Oooo.

321
00:12:03.300 --> 00:12:05.580
Sort of waxy, scaly, rather than feathers.

322
00:12:05.720 --> 00:12:06.980
Oh, it would be, wouldn't it? Because it's waterproofed.

323
00:12:07.120 --> 00:12:10.000
Yeah. It's got wax on it!
[Spraying noises]

324
00:12:11.240 --> 00:12:14.460
'You can touch this one. We've varnished it.
You'll not do any damage.'

325
00:12:14.640 --> 00:12:16.880
I was thinking sort of... that kind of thing, but no.

326
00:12:16.880 --> 00:12:18.980
You'd just use a wax sprayer at the local car wash.

327
00:12:19.260 --> 00:06:52.660
Come on. We're in Dubai...
are you going to think about that?

328
00:06:52.660 --> 00:12:22.280
TOM: Yeah.

329
00:12:22.560 --> 00:12:24.000
And then they said...

330
00:12:24.000 --> 00:12:25.500
'Do you want to hug it?'

331
00:12:25.920 --> 00:12:29.540
Were the actual words
'Would you like to hug with penguin' used?

332
00:12:29.540 --> 00:12:31.420
Yeah! 'Do you want to hug the penguin?'

333
00:12:31.700 --> 00:12:31.700
TOM: ...So he dropped out at nine miles...
GARY: Yeah.

334
00:12:31.700 --> 00:12:33.140
GARY: Yeah.
TOM: Yes.

335
00:12:33.480 --> 00:12:35.660
'Yes. I would like to hug that penguin.'

336
00:12:35.880 --> 00:12:37.580
What do they smell like?

337
00:12:37.960 --> 00:12:38.800
Fishy.

338
00:12:38.920 --> 00:12:40.000
Yeah, I thought they would.

339
00:12:40.120 --> 00:12:42.400
Well, they're not going to
put some cologne on the penguin...

340
00:12:42.520 --> 00:12:44.920
Honk honk honk!
[Spritzing sounds]

341
00:12:45.200 --> 00:12:48.320
Ah, come on now.
A cat doesn't smell of lamb, does it? It smells like a cat.

342
00:12:48.320 --> 00:12:51.320
So I don't know, why would they smell of fish
because that's what they eat?

343
00:12:51.480 --> 00:12:53.300
Because they're a fish... ish thing.

344
00:12:53.460 --> 00:12:55.040
They're not a fish!

345
00:12:55.040 --> 00:12:56.660
Penguins aren't fish!
...am I wrong?

346
00:12:56.840 --> 00:12:57.680
They're birds.

347
00:12:57.820 --> 00:12:59.180
Exactly. Thank you.

348
00:13:00.000 --> 00:13:02.940
For a minute, you're starting to doubt
your own facts there, you know what I mean?

349
00:13:02.940 --> 00:13:04.400
'Penguins aren't... fish...?'

350
00:13:04.500 --> 00:13:06.620
To be fair, I did actually have Wikipedia up at that point

351
00:13:06.620 --> 00:13:09.180
just to check that a penguin was in fact a bird,

352
00:13:09.180 --> 00:13:11.140
and not some kind of fishy thing.

353
00:13:12.540 --> 00:13:15.140
All right. At the end of the show,
congratulations Matt, you win!

354
00:13:15.340 --> 00:13:16.560
Yaaay!

355
00:13:16.680 --> 00:13:20.440
You win a replica of the singer of 'Livin' On A Prayer'
made of small chocolate sweet candies.

356
00:13:21.260 --> 00:13:22.540
It's a Bonbon Jovi.

357
00:13:24.460 --> 00:13:26.780
TOM: Thank you very much to Chris Joel!
CHRIS: Well, goodbye!

358
00:13:26.780 --> 00:13:28.120
TOM: To Gary Brannan!
GARY: Salutem.

359
00:13:28.120 --> 00:13:29.180
TOM: To Matt Gray!
MATT: Bye-bye.

360
00:13:29.180 --> 00:13:32.280
I've been Tom Scott. That's been the Technical Difficulties. We'll see you next time.

361
00:13:34.740 --> 00:13:37.940
Are we making a series of crematorium gags here?

362
00:13:38.080 --> 00:13:40.400
CHRIS: Yes. To be...
GARY: 'To go where no man has been before!'

363
00:13:40.500 --> 00:13:42.820
Crematorium Thunderbirds jokes, let's be clear.

364
00:13:42.980 --> 00:13:46.040
GARY: Let's be fair! We're not completely
stupid and irresponsible.

365
00:13:48.200 --> 00:13:51.680
TOM: Rode the rest of the way,
then the car broke down at mile 19...

366
00:13:51.680 --> 00:12:02.220
and he just started jogging again!

367
00:12:02.220 --> 00:12:03.300
ALL: Oooo.

368
00:13:55.680 --> 00:13:57.940
GARY: That sounds highbrow and commemorative.

369
00:13:58.200 --> 00:13:59.000
Oooh, it...

370
00:13:59.360 --> 00:14:01.460
As opposed to lowbrow and commemorative.

371
00:14:01.600 --> 00:00:30.880
Lowbrow commemoration!

372
00:00:30.880 --> 00:00:30.880
'Dave's dead!'
[Laughter]

373
00:14:05.840 --> 00:14:07.120
'Back down t' pit!'

374
00:14:07.360 --> 00:14:10.520
'We're commemorating this with a giant brass arse!'