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Today's show is sponsored by Terry Wogan's "Bohemian Rhapsody".

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[Wogan voice]  'Open your eyes. Look up to the skies and see!'

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[Laughter]

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[Laughter]
[Music]

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This is the Technical Difficulties.
We're playing Citation Needed.

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In front of me I have an almost-randomly selected Wikipedia article

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from everybody's favourite reliable source of knowledge, and these folks can't see it.

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Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING]

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and there's a special prize for particularly good answers, which is:

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Good Lord.

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— Good grief!
— [Grunts]

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So today we are talking about the Counts of Andechs.

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[Laughter]
The what, sorry? The cow —

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— The Counts of Andechs.
— *Counts* of Andechs.

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Oh, is that how they determine how many, er, sheets there are on a roll of bog roll?

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— Yes!
— That's the Count of Andrex.

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Oh, okay.

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Of course, the Andrex Company was started by a Count Andrex of Bohemia.

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[Sesame Street 'Count' voice]
'One sheet not enough! Two, not enough!'

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[Sesame Street 'Count' voice]
'Ha ha ha! One! Ha ha ha!'

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'Three, getting there. But we'll go for four! Just in case.'

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You have to check in with him before you enter the toilet and gamble on how much you're going to need.

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Yeah. He's stood outside, sliding them under the door, sheet by sheet.

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[Laughs] 'What is sheet five worth to you?'

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'Ha, ha, ha, ha!'

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'I have insatiable thirst for human blood!'

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It's the thought of the Count actually submitted to his baser, non-counting instincts one night...

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'Ha ha! Try to find virgin on Sesame Street. Impossible!'

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[Laughter and groans]

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'Bert and Ernie... no hope there!'
[Laughter]

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'I go to their house, thinking two-for-one deal...'

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'No! Things I see cannot be unseen.'

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'One night, three-for-one! Big Bird very small.'

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There was a lovely quote from the creators of Sesame Street

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when they were tired of commenting on the Bert and Ernie rumours,

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which was: 'They're puppets. They don't exist below the waist.'

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No, but they've got a man's fist up their arse, ain't they?

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[Laughter and groans]

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Somewhere back in that rant, you did mention Bohemia.

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Does anyone know what Bohemia actually was?

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— Er, Germany...
— An area of Germany, yeah.

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— What is now Germany.
— Or Austria, or...

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One of the many states that coalesced into Germany over the 19th century.

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It's modern day Czech Republic.

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All: Oh!

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There you go. Prisoner of Zenda inspiration basically, Bohemia, wasn't it?

47
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Prisoner of Zenda?

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Yes. Yes, the novel. Ruritanian, erm...

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I know the name but not much else, I'm afraid.

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Big castles and big pointy hats and large 'taches and big swords and all that.

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— Are there large castles?
— Yup.

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'I love a lady with a flying buttress!'

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[Laughter]

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'Gentlemen, I am crenellated.'

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'Good Lord!'

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'Repel all boarders!'

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Sorry, I'm doing Terry Wogan's Castle Defence there.

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'Repel all boarders...'

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Terry Wogan's castle defence of a *ship*, I think you'll find, was 'repel all boarders'.

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I think we've found the British version of Takeshi's Castle.

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Well! Actually, no offence to T-Wogs himself, but...

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he is too low a level. Takeshi Kitano, am I right?

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Beat Takeshi.

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Massive, huge movie star of Japan.

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If you were doing it, it'd be Connery's Castle.

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Ahh!

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That's the level — or Moore's Mansion or something like that, is what you would be looking at.

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Brosnan's Bungalow!

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Dalton's Dormer. Doesn't quite work.

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I've got Brosnan's Bungalow as just being an alternative Saturday morning kids' show.

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Dick and Dom!

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'Now we're going to look at some silly things outside.'

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The thought of Roger Moore driving round in one of those little carts they have on Takeshi's Castle,

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spraying people with water while laughing, in a military uniform.

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That's what he does!

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Yeah, but he'd have a big cocktail in his left hand, wouldn't he?

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[Suave Roger Moore voice]
'Ah, ha ha ha ha!'

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That's the greatest impression of anybody I've ever seen!

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Roger Moore driving a car, shooting water while carrying...

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It was so good, I popped a button on me shirt, Gary.

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I was that stunned by it.

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I think the idea is not that you have to knock out the paper targets...

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By the way, if you haven't watched Takeshi's Castle, this whole section's lost on you.

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Open a tab, just give it five minutes, come back.

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It's not that you have shoot out the targets — it's that you have to knock his drink out of his hand,

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or dilute it sufficiently...

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No, surely it is you have to hit something very close to the cocktail,

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but if you hit the cocktail that's a death sentence.

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If you water it down, you get lightly maimed.

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Ah, but you just cheat by having a cocktail umbrella.

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So that's what they're for!

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The Counts of Andechs, then, if I can drag this back to where we were.

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Oh yeah, yeah.

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In northern Dalmatia.

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Was it a bit spotty?

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Now, I didn't know Dalmatia was actually a region. I've only just put two and two together.

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Yes! Same way that Alsace is a region.

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— Yeah, Alsace I knew...
— Weimaraner — Weimar.

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— Really!
— Yeah!

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— Just on a string...
— Yeah.

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— Ah!
— Arnold!

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All these little places that came together to form Germany.

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Sausage dough...

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Well, Dalmatia...

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Sausage dough! [Laughs]

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Weirdly, it was a very short and fat region.

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Which is where the sausage dogs come from.

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I always said that fox-hunting... instead of trying to ban it, just make them —

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I think it was actually a Monster Raving Loony Party idea, but it works:

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make them replace beagles with sausage dogs. That'll even it out.

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Well, sausage dogs are hunting dogs, just for burrowing animals.

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Yeah, that's what I mean. A sausage dog chasing a fox...

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Also, what's the proper name for a sausage dog?

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Dachshund.

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Dachshund! Of course it is. That'll be from the Dach region...

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[Groans]
Yes!

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It means 'sausage dough'.

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Dalmatia's not actually in Germany, though.

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It's the right area of Europe. Does anyone want to take a guess where that is now?

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[Arnold Schwarzenegger voice]  Austria.

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We're going a bit further east. We're also on the Adriatic Sea.

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Is it Hungary?

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Not on the Adriatic Sea, it's not.

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— We've had Croatia and it's not that.
— Point! [DING]

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Oh really! Okay.

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We've had Czech Republic, not Croatia.

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Yeah. Absolutely right. So we are looking for some counts in northern Dalmatia.

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They actually went extinct shortly afterwards, so it was a complete —

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Extinct?! I'm sorry...

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Were they Neanderthals?

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They were shot and eaten for their meat by colonizers.

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Are we talking about dogs?

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No, we're talking about the counts. They went 'extinct in the direct male line in 1251'.

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Because they didn't have any girls, basically, and they all married off, right?

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Other way round, that they didn't have any sons.

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— And girls don't matter in the West.
— Oh, right, that's what I meant, sorry.

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Yeah. We're in the 13th century. It's declining just on the male line.

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That's changed in the UK, in the last few years, just before the birth of Prince...

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— Prince George.
— Thank you, I was about to call him Prince Wossname,

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— Nice.
— Which is possibly treason.

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Prince George.

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Thing is, that is kings and queens of the country sorted until...

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After our lifetime.

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Yeah, the 22nd century.

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— Pretty much.
— Yes.

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— Yes.
— Wow.

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Sort that out. That's what you call longevity. That's what you call a permanent institution.

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We've got — I don't know if it will be Charles or not, I've heard different...

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And then you've got... obviously you've got William, and then you've got him.

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So it's all blokes for the rest of our life now.

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Yeah. Unless we get a gun and — no, sorry.

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[Laughter]

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[Laughter]
That's actually...

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It's going to be a sausage-heavy monarchy, everybody.
[Laughter]

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It has been, throughout history, a fairly...

156
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Yeah, default setting there.

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So I'm looking through, and there is just an enormous amount of genealogy,

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and names, and intrigue in the court here.

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Does anyone want to take a guess at some proper sort of Bavarian names that could be in this?

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Hans!

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No Hans, strangely enough.

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— That's weird. That's probably why they died out.
— They were all maimed!

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Wahey!
[Laughter]

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Does that mean they were Hans-free?

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[Groans]
Yes!

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— Point!
— Thank you, thank you...

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— No, no, I can't give you a point, it's not a fact.
— Biscuits!

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I've just realized that whenever I hit that button, I do this kind of — thing with my lips, like...

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[Slaps button]
I'm not sure why!

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Can we just get a freeze-frame of that now, of you going:

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Ludwig!

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Yeah, Ludwig's a good shout, actually.

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Nope.

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— Arnold.
— John!

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Arnold is exactly right. Point! [DING]

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— Ah!
— Arnold!

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The very first one: Arnold, Count of Dießen married to Gisela of Schweinfurt.

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Nice.

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Pigfurt?

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If anyone wants to take what the 'Furt' in that is... 'Schwein' is definitely 'swine'.

181
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Is it 'river'?

182
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Not quite. You're very close.

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Ford.

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Ford. Point over there. [DING]

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— 'Pig crossing'.
— Literally 'swine ford'.

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It's where you put the pigs through the river.

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I love it. There's a German footballer called Schweinsteiger. I always loved that: 'Pig-farmer'.

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I love it when you do translate. My wife does that a little bit, you know, of translating foreign footballers' names.

189
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'Huh huh! Pig farmer.'

190
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And as soon as you've got that in your head... 'Pig farmer.'

191
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'He's playing surprisingly well considering he's been up since dawn.'

192
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They don't milk pigs, do they? So he doesn't need to be up at dawn.

193
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No, we've missed the obvious one. We've missed 'Otto'.

194
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Of course!

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There's one of those. There's also... Poppo.

196
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— Nice!
— Cool!

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He sounds like a children's clown.

198
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Poppo the Second, Margrave of Carniola.

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— Yes! Yes!
— Ohhhh!

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Carniola!

201
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And thrice yes, please.

202
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And if he doesn't introduce himself like that every time, there is something wrong.

203
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Probably doesn't introduce himself very much at all any more.

204
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Well... if he didn't at the time.

205
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'I am Margrave of Cariola.'

206
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'I would like some petrol.'

207
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I mean, we're talking about someone who died more than 900 years ago.

208
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'I would like some hay.'

209
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'I am Margrave of Cariola. Twix please!'

210
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I've just got this idea of motorway service stations on medieval hay tracks now.

211
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Well, there would have been things like that. There would have been coaching... staging places.

212
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Yeah, it would have been a coaching inn.

213
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But I'm just having the idea that you pull off this slip road on this hay track,

214
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and there's this utterly uninterested person

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trying to flog you fish and chips that have been sat there for ten hours.

216
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'You cannot get a frankfurter from these people.'

217
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'For look at the prices they charge!'

218
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'I shall go over to ye Manor of Ginster...'

219
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'It is not warm. It is cold. These things should not be eaten in such a fashion!'

220
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'But there be tax if we warm them.'

221
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'But there be tax if we warm them, sir!'

222
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'Yes, I know! I set the taxes!'

223
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'Fine, fine. I shall eat it cold anyway. I am only on my way somewhere else.'

224
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'I shall heat it on my horse's exhaust.'

225
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[Laughter]
Ohhh.

226
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I just realized that essentially, that pasty tax thing is like a medieval tax.

227
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It's the kind of thing you'd expect King John to say in a Robin Hood story.

228
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Yes. A kids' Robin Hood story, of course, that doesn't involve death,

229
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but one that does involve taxing pasties.

230
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Yeah.

231
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Just a thought: 'I wouldst have to pull over at a, at a staging-place; I have soiled my —'

232
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Sorry, you're dropping into Wogan again here.

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I can't help it!

234
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'I have soiled my breeches and I must take a quick call.'

235
00:10:25.760 --> 00:10:30.180
'These privies are cleaned twice a day. Please tell Management if you find a problem.'

236
00:10:30.620 --> 00:10:32.740
There's a little analog clock on the wall, going round,

237
00:10:32.740 --> 00:10:34.740
saying 'Minutes since last...'

238
00:10:35.520 --> 00:04:49.900
They've got one of those grabby machines!

239
00:04:49.900 --> 00:04:49.900
— Just on a string...
— Yeah.

240
00:10:39.980 --> 00:10:41.980
'You could never find a favour from these things!'

241
00:10:41.980 --> 00:10:44.180
No, it's just a peasant strung up by the feet.

242
00:10:45.160 --> 00:10:47.140
And you've only got so much rope to lower them down.

243
00:10:47.140 --> 00:10:49.460
— 'I have a cunning plan!'
— 'Get that one! Get that one!'

244
00:10:49.660 --> 00:10:51.660
'His grip is not strong enough. They are rigged! They are rigged!'

245
00:10:51.660 --> 00:10:53.500
'He has had some disease as a child!'

246
00:10:55.060 --> 00:10:57.580
The bears are just massively weighted...

247
00:10:57.580 --> 00:10:58.740
No, they're actual bears.

248
00:11:03.660 --> 00:11:05.660
'I do not even want this!'

249
00:11:05.940 --> 00:11:09.220
I think we're riffing a Maid Marion and Her Merry Men sketch here.

250
00:11:09.860 --> 00:11:12.320
— Right, okay. At the end of the show, Gary, congratulations, you win this one.

251
00:11:12.320 --> 00:11:13.360
YEEES!

252
00:11:13.360 --> 00:11:14.580
Oh, I'd forgotten that.

253
00:11:14.580 --> 00:11:16.840
I'd forgotten he does that every time, doesn't he.

254
00:11:17.320 --> 00:11:18.420
You have won:

255
00:11:18.420 --> 00:11:22.320
Two hours racing around the coast, desperately trying to collect clams with a famous ballerina...

256
00:11:22.320 --> 00:11:24.300
in Darcy Bussell's Mussel Hustle.

257
00:11:25.000 --> 00:11:27.000
So enjoy that!

258
00:11:27.000 --> 00:11:28.440
That's been Matt Gray.

259
00:11:28.440 --> 00:11:29.580
That's been Gary Brannan.

260
00:11:29.580 --> 00:11:30.740
That's been Chris Joel.

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I've been Tom Scott, and we'll see you next time!

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And that was our show!

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00:11:37.740 --> 00:11:41.260
If you liked it, leave us a comment, or better yet, share it around to your friends.

264
00:11:41.260 --> 00:11:44.160
We're trying not to be too needy, but... seriously, share it around!

265
00:11:44.560 --> 00:11:47.780
And there are more than thirty audio episodes of our reverse trivia podcast

266
00:11:47.780 --> 00:11:50.280
over at techdif.co.uk.

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[Translating these subtitles? Add your name here!]