WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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Today's show is sponsored by
Roger Daltrey's Discount Poultry:

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It's not fit for human consumption.

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[Laughter]  [Chicken sounds]

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This is The Technical Difficulties.
We're playing Citation Needed.

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I have an almost randomly selected article

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from everybody's favourite, reliable
source of knowledge, Wikipedia,

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and these folks can't see it.

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Every fact they get right gets a point and a ding, [DING]

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and there's a prize for particularly good answers, which is:

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— Oh yeah!
— Oh yeah!

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I've got a button.

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Yeah, thing is, when you whacked that,
behind you, three chickens just shot in the air,

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[Chicken noise] 
firing feathers off.

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[Chicken noises]

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Well, if it's discount poultry,
there's only so many things you can do with it.

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Irate pissed off prog rock member.

448
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[Laughter]
[Groans]

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"Stay away from my chicken farm!"

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"Who are you? Who ARE you?"

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YES!! We've started!

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(Oh dear.)

22
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He does actually have a salmon farm though,
doesn't he?

23
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— Yeah, he does.
— That's what he retired to do.

24
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Wait, really?

25
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Yeah, he retired to farm salmon.

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Was it salmon or trout, er... Was it a fish?

27
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Oh yeah, fish. Might be trout.

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Sorry, are we arguing about the kind of fish

29
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that the member of The Who
is currently engaged in farming?

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Yeah. Somewhere down the line,
Roger Daltrey is just a fish farmer, now.

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Do you, what do you think? Like, when you have fish,

32
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you give them play things, like a castle or something.

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Do you think they've got a Rolls-Royce in there?

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That's a Keith Moon gag, everyone!

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Yeah, it's okay, I was gonna help there...

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Oh, it'd be brilliant if he was a proper sort of
rock star style fish farmer,

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Instead of, you know, some square lake in a field,

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proper glass-sided house or some mansion house.

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Gary: Oh yeah!

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Just sealed at the windows.

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People walking past
with trout banging up against the glass.

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And the fish have got a gigantic people tank.

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That sounds amazing!

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I change the air all the time...
feed them bacon bits...

45
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I've given them a castle to live in and walk out of,

46
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and a giant skull that spits water at 'em.

47
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I wanna be in a people tank...

48
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— You are, Matt.
— Join the army.

49
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You are, Matt. You already are.

50
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Oh, yeah, it's a house.

51
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I've never thought of that.

52
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Yeah, houses are people tanks, you're right.

53
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All we need is some fish outside looking in.

54
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We can sort that out.

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I was gonna say, I can do some compositing work
on this camera shot if it helps.

56
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Excellent, excellent.

57
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That has to happen.

58
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No, I just want fish to walk past:
Bow tie, bowler hat, kid in a pram...

59
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You want a fish to walk past...?

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There's no water out there, is there, dickhead?!

61
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Someone will have to lob it, and it'll just slide...

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Doonk!

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Somebody offshot just hoying fish past the glass...

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What did we do to piss off Grimsby?

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Well...

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Where do you start, yeah?

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Do you want to get to the game at some point?

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— Yeah.
— That's a kookaburra.

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— Yeah.
— Yeah, f***. Yeah.

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Instead of talking about Roger Daltrey's fish farm.

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Just get Roger Daltrey up on the 'Pedia.'

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Our topic today is The Big Lobster.

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... which I swear I picked before we went off
on the Roger Daltrey fish farm thing.

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The Big Lobster.

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Actually sounds like a New Orleans
gangland boss's name, doesn't it?

76
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Whereas I was going for a restaurant.

77
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Maybe the two are the same?

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New Orleans gangland-themed restaurant.

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No, not themed, it's a front.

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It's a front obviously, for the gigantic man-sized lobster
that lives within!

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Aha, now...

82
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You're looking a bit bigger than man-size here.

83
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Bigger than...? A lobster bigger than a man?

84
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Yep.

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A lobster the size of a bear!

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We'd have known about this.
It would have walked over Tokyo by now.

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It did, they just cleaned up after it.

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I just got the thought of the actual film version of the bloke dressed as the Giant Lobster.

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[Roaring]

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Everybody is giving it that!

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All these lobsters comin' in here, givin' it that.

448
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[Laughter]
[Groans]

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[Laughter]
Hey!

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Ladies and gentlemen: may I congratulate us

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on the first visual gag of the Technical Difficulties?

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First ever visual gag! Chin chin!

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Okay, so it may not be an actual, "alive" lobster.

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Oh, f***ing really? You reckon?

99
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Is this one of these American things

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where some state's got an enormous glass fibre one

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to celebrate that fact there was once one there?

102
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Oooh, you're right.
It's not Aus... it's not America, I mean.

103
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— Is it in fact Australia?
— Australia?

104
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I might just have given away that with the... 
Competent hosting, here.

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Is it in the Tyrol of Austria?

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[Laughter]
Austria!

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Just on the side of a mountain.

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"Why have you got this lobster?"

109
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"We stole it from Australia."

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That's the worst accent ever; that's not from anywhere!

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"He teaches them the folly of their ways, Hansel."

112
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"From it, from its claws..."

113
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"I say this lobster is a lesson!
A lesson to the whole world!"

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"From its claws will come fondue!"

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Do you want any more Austrian stereotypes?

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Do you want like a cuckoo clock?

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— Yes.
— Cricket ball.

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— ...out of its mouth...or?
— Yes!

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— That'd be great!
— Okay.

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I just like the idea of a lobster doing a sort of "Alien" deal,
just like a cuckoo clock.

121
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Can you imagine Alien with a cuckoo clock?

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Dramatic music, slime dripping down...

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ALL: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

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...just the tension before that scene,

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as it's coming closer and closer and closer.

126
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[Growling]

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Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

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"Three o'clock, everybody."

129
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...and then he just hands over this note saying:

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"Mr. Jones, you are late for your 2:30 appointment."

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"Thank you, Miss Smith!"

132
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Sorry, have we got an alien, cuckoo-clock-bearing Siri?

133
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Is that what we're talking about?

134
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Steampunk Siri.

135
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No, sorry. Steampunk Siri is a butler.

136
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"I'm sorry, I couldn't send that telegram just now.

137
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"I'll try again later."

138
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Completely forgets about it.

139
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"Siri, would you fetch me some tea?"

140
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"I don't understand what you mean.

141
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"Would you like me to call Tim?"

142
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"No, no. Fetch me some tea!"

143
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To activate him you just press his crotch.

144
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"Ooh! Yes, sir. Very good, sir."

145
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"Can I help you, sir?"

146
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Keeps going off in your pocket a lot.

147
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[Laughter and groans]

148
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Actually, now I've got the thought of a butler walking up:

149
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[Siri noise]  Dee-deet!

150
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"Doo-doot!"
And walk off.

151
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You can get different voices for it.
You just swap out the butler.

152
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No, it's got a generic man and a generic woman
that you can just put...

153
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If you go outside the city, he just stops working.

154
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Tell me about it, yeah.
[Laughter]

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— Er, the Big Lobster.
— The Giant — the Big Lobster, everybody.

156
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Does anyone want to take a guess
at what it's nicknamed?

157
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Big Red.

158
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It's got a name.

159
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Rudy!

160
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— Lobby.
— Lobby McLob-lob.

161
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Lobby is a lot closer than Rudy.

162
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We're looking for a name that starts with L.

163
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— Are we talking about...
— Larry.

164
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Larry the Lobster! Spot on. Point!  [DING]

165
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Ahh, well done, sir. I was going to say,

166
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if it's Australian, I'm going to go for LOBBO!
Or something like that.

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[Australian accent]
"No..."

168
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[Australian accent]
"Castlemaine XXXX brings you..."

169
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ALL: LOBBO!
[Laughter]

170
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"The fast bowling giant lobster!"

171
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"Queensland, you're for it!"

172
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It's actually in South Australia,
so that's pretty accurate, really.

173
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It's just the thought of him getting hotter and hotter,

174
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going from blue to red.

175
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I thought you said *you'd* been
getting hotter and hotter then.

176
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I thought we were going to get a police box striptease.

177
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[Hums blues riff]
I'm bigger inside than outside!

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ALL: Heyyy!

179
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Okay, so we're looking at an eighteen-metre-high...

180
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— High?!
— ...four-tonne lobster here.

181
00:07:19.900 --> 00:07:21.340
Is it standing on its tail?

182
00:07:21.500 --> 00:07:23.360
So Brannan was surprisingly close with his first guess.

183
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Yeah! Yeah, I mean, that's one hell of a lobster roll.

184
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And I'm actually giving you a point
for standing on its head... [DING]

185
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It was meant to rear up over the structure.

186
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Horse style? It's a horsey lobster?

187
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What stopped it doing that? Yeah.

188
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What stopped it from being built...?

189
00:07:33.780 --> 00:07:35.560
The... Terrifying the townsfolk.

190
00:07:35.560 --> 00:07:38.000
Or is it near an airport or something stupid like that,

191
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so with the airport it's going to get
clipped on its big claws or something like that?

192
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— Planning permission.

193
00:07:42.720 --> 00:07:44.820
Yes. The local council stopped it.
[Laughter]

194
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Point!  [DING]
Matt, you are getting all the points.

195
00:07:47.980 --> 00:07:49.780
Is some local authority bloke sat there:

196
00:07:49.780 --> 00:07:54.740
"Garage... garage... extension...
giant lobster."

197
00:07:54.940 --> 00:07:56.940
[Australian accent]
"Now, we like what you've done with the giant lobster...

198
00:07:56.940 --> 00:07:58.860
"We're not saying that's a bad idea.

199
00:07:59.180 --> 00:08:03.020
"What we don't like is having it
rearing up over the whole township.

200
00:08:03.180 --> 00:08:06.120
"I think you're going to see a lot of terrified folk there,

201
00:08:06.120 --> 00:08:07.580
"We've all seen Godzilla."

202
00:08:07.740 --> 00:08:10.540
"We're all worried about, what if it goes wrong?"

203
00:08:10.700 --> 00:08:12.700
"We're known as a sunshiny country.

204
00:08:12.840 --> 00:08:15.780
"What if somebody visits,
they're stood in the shadow of the lobster...

205
00:08:15.780 --> 00:08:17.880
"That's it, the tourism industry, it's over.

206
00:08:17.880 --> 00:08:19.940
"We're going to have to lie your lobster down, mate."

207
00:08:20.140 --> 00:08:22.460
"That said, I'd just like to raise with the council

208
00:08:22.460 --> 00:00:42.620
the possibility of the shadow keeping tinnies cool."

448
00:00:42.620 --> 00:00:43.920
[Laughter]
[Groans]

210
00:08:24.860 --> 00:08:28.000
[Laughter]
It's this lobster outline of XXXX.

211
00:08:28.640 --> 00:08:29.600
Oh dear...

212
00:08:30.040 --> 00:08:32.560
There is a local legend about why it's quite so big.

213
00:08:32.560 --> 00:08:34.000
Does anyone want to take a shot at what that might be?

214
00:08:34.120 --> 00:08:35.620
Because some of...
Is it a Spinal Tap thing?

215
00:08:35.740 --> 00:08:37.740
— It absolutely is.  [DING]
— Hahey!

216
00:08:38.420 --> 00:08:39.660
Not *quite* that much.

217
00:08:39.660 --> 00:08:42.040
They apparently had the measurements in feet,
and then read them in metres.

218
00:08:42.040 --> 00:08:43.660
— Ohhh!
— Okay, not a factor of ten then.

219
00:08:43.800 --> 00:08:45.800
— No.
— Brilliant. Someone just brings it in on a big lorry:

220
00:08:45.800 --> 00:08:48.220
"Oh, s***, mate, how big did you want it?"

221
00:08:48.480 --> 00:08:51.260
Did no one — ah, bollocks...
Did no one ring up and go,

222
00:08:51.260 --> 00:08:54.100
"Someone wants a hundred-metre lobster?
Seems legit."

223
00:08:55.660 --> 00:08:57.920
"There'll be no baths for the rest of northwest Australia

224
00:08:57.920 --> 00:08:59.920
"...till we've got the fibreglass on this s***!"

225
00:09:01.220 --> 00:09:03.100
Point! It's fibreglass and steel.  [DING]

226
00:09:04.900 --> 00:09:07.860
"What are we going to use it for?"
"Strewth, I dunno."

227
00:09:08.100 --> 00:00:42.620
"Keeping tinnies cool underneath its rearing body?"

448
00:00:42.620 --> 00:00:43.920
[Laughter]
[Groans]

229
00:09:13.280 --> 00:09:14.720
Okay, quick fire round:

230
00:09:14.920 --> 00:09:17.880
Australia has an enormous amount of big things.

231
00:09:18.120 --> 00:09:19.140
Dickheads —

232
00:09:20.340 --> 00:09:23.460
Oho! And ba-doomf, onto the cutting room floor it goes!

233
00:09:23.620 --> 00:09:25.720
No, that's staying in. That is definitely staying.

234
00:09:25.860 --> 00:09:27.360
Sorry, Australia. Sorry, sorry.

235
00:09:27.460 --> 00:09:30.400
Oh, like we hadn't alienated that audience enough
with the bad accent.

236
00:09:30.540 --> 00:09:31.640
The many accents, I mean you've...

237
00:09:31.780 --> 00:09:33.040
And the stereotypes...

238
00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:35.660
Careful, I'm about to start slighting cricket as well, everyone.

239
00:09:35.780 --> 00:09:38.000
I was just about to say...
The hell with it. You can't play cricket.

240
00:09:38.520 --> 00:09:40.520
On behalf of the Technical Difficulties team,

241
00:09:40.520 --> 00:09:43.080
I would like to apologize to all Australians.

242
00:09:43.080 --> 00:09:45.460
It is not our fault that you are convicts.

243
00:09:48.100 --> 00:09:50.100
All right.
Does anyone want to take...

244
00:09:50.100 --> 00:09:51.660
Hey, on that — we've made a point, though.

245
00:09:51.660 --> 00:09:54.240
Obviously, where I work — I work in the heritage industry...

246
00:09:54.240 --> 00:09:56.800
We have records relating to transportees.

247
00:09:56.800 --> 00:09:59.460
My favourite reason for someone

248
00:09:59.460 --> 00:10:01.460
being transported to Australia goes as thus:

249
00:10:01.460 --> 00:10:04.560
It's in Ecclesfield, so just outside old Sheffield Region...

250
00:10:04.660 --> 00:10:05.540
Oh, good Lord.

251
00:10:05.660 --> 00:10:07.240
South Yorkshire, as represented by my good colleague.

252
00:10:07.360 --> 00:10:08.140
Hello.

253
00:10:08.280 --> 00:00:42.620
The guy was done for the theft of a duck. All right?

448
00:00:42.620 --> 00:00:43.920
[Laughter]
[Groans]

255
00:10:10.660 --> 00:10:12.180
[Laughter]
That's a good start.

256
00:10:12.380 --> 00:10:14.240
It's a "three strikes and you're out" system.

257
00:10:14.340 --> 00:10:15.780
A duck: inherently funny animal.

258
00:10:15.980 --> 00:10:19.240
Yeah. But if you think about
the lack of criminal detection at the time,

259
00:10:19.240 --> 00:10:21.800
the duck would have to have been in a bag, quacking.

260
00:10:23.060 --> 00:10:24.420
And the guy caught doing it.

261
00:10:24.620 --> 00:10:26.620
[Quacking]
[Laughter]

262
00:10:26.940 --> 00:10:28.260
"Put it back!"

263
00:10:28.480 --> 00:10:30.980
Next charge is also for theft of a duck.

264
00:10:31.440 --> 00:10:33.440
And the third one is theft of a duck.

265
00:10:33.440 --> 00:10:36.820
In the end it turns out,
it's the same man's duck three times.

266
00:10:38.120 --> 00:10:42.000
In the end I think he was transported
just for being a hopeless case, quite frankly.

267
00:10:42.000 --> 00:10:43.220
Which, the thought of him being on a ship...

268
00:10:43.220 --> 00:10:43.220
"What did you do?"
[Mumbles]

269
00:10:43.220 --> 00:10:44.900
"What did you do?"
"I killed a man."

270
00:10:44.900 --> 00:10:46.500
"What did you do?"
"I stole a sheep."

271
00:10:48.320 --> 00:10:50.320
[Laughter]
"I stole the same duck three times..."

272
00:10:50.320 --> 00:10:51.660
[Mumbles]  "...stole the same duck three times..."

273
00:10:52.200 --> 00:10:53.680
For a point each,

274
00:10:53.680 --> 00:10:56.020
do you want to take a guess at
some of the big things around Australia?

275
00:10:56.020 --> 00:10:57.880
Platypus. Wombat. Kangaroo.

276
00:10:57.880 --> 00:10:58.840
Hang on, I can only...! Yeah!

277
00:10:59.000 --> 00:11:00.160
Tin of beer!

278
00:11:00.300 --> 00:11:02.920
Platypus: yes.  [DING]
Tinnie: yes.  [DING]

279
00:11:03.080 --> 00:11:04.480
— No, haven't got a wombat.
— Alice Springs?

280
00:11:04.620 --> 00:11:06.280
Alice Springs: Er, no, but I'm going to give you a point,

281
00:11:06.280 --> 00:11:08.140
because there is a big Uluru...

282
00:11:08.280 --> 00:11:09.540
I was going to say, Uluru?

283
00:11:09.680 --> 00:11:10.660
There is actually a *small* Uluru.

284
00:11:10.740 --> 00:11:12.300
I was going to say, is there a tiny...

285
00:11:12.440 --> 00:11:13.700
Wasn't Uluru in Star Trek?

286
00:11:16.640 --> 00:11:19.400
Yes. The Enterprise's communications officer,

287
00:11:19.400 --> 00:11:21.340
that falls in love with Spock in the new movie,

288
00:11:21.340 --> 00:11:23.560
is a massive rock.

289
00:11:23.780 --> 00:11:25.480
That would be a great —
in a red dress.

290
00:11:25.600 --> 00:11:26.460
Yes!

291
00:11:28.160 --> 00:11:30.160
I've just got the thought of them walking along, and a...

292
00:11:30.160 --> 00:11:31.820
[Rock crunching sound]

293
00:11:31.820 --> 00:11:35.040
...sound of a rock just scraping along the floor behind.

294
00:11:37.120 --> 00:11:39.580
Yeah. Other big things in Australia... Barrier Reef?

295
00:11:39.940 --> 00:11:42.880
Okay, we're looking for models of things
that have been blown up.

296
00:11:42.880 --> 00:11:44.980
Like, I've personally been to the Big Pineapple.

297
00:11:44.980 --> 00:11:46.420
Which is a big pineapple.

298
00:11:46.520 --> 00:11:48.520
— Sense of entitlement.
— Er...

299
00:11:49.640 --> 00:11:51.640
Er, marlin.

300
00:11:51.940 --> 00:11:54.360
— Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.
— Yes, point.  [DING]

301
00:11:54.640 --> 00:11:56.300
Lego version of something.

302
00:11:56.420 --> 00:11:57.240
Nope.

303
00:11:57.380 --> 00:11:59.500
Sydney Opera House? Is there an even bigger version somewhere?

304
00:11:59.620 --> 00:12:00.780
No!
[Laughter]

305
00:12:01.000 --> 00:12:02.880
You've got the Sydney Opera House!

306
00:12:02.980 --> 00:12:04.060
Actually... no, er...

307
00:12:04.060 --> 00:12:07.960
Sydney Harbour Bridge is a bigger version
of the Monkwearmouth Bridge in Sunderland.

308
00:12:08.060 --> 00:12:08.700
Yes.

309
00:12:09.100 --> 00:12:11.200
I dunno. Big what?
Are we talking big fibreglass things in Australia?

310
00:12:11.320 --> 00:12:12.560
Big fibreglass things in Australia.

311
00:12:12.660 --> 00:12:13.460
Crab!

312
00:12:14.280 --> 00:12:16.420
Yes!  [DING]
Big mud crab. In Cardwell.

313
00:12:16.560 --> 00:12:18.320
Have they got a gigantic pie or something?

314
00:12:18.320 --> 00:12:21.580
I know pie and pea liquor is quite popular in Sydney.

315
00:12:21.580 --> 00:12:23.860
It's the kind of thing I imagine a pie company would build.

316
00:12:23.980 --> 00:12:25.980
Yup. The Big Pie is mounted...
[Laughter]

317
00:12:25.980 --> 00:12:27.680
[DING]  ...above a ten-metre pole

318
00:12:27.680 --> 00:12:29.820
next to the car park of a drive-through pie shop.

319
00:12:30.000 --> 00:12:30.680
Get it!

320
00:12:30.800 --> 00:12:32.800
— Drive-through...
— ALL: Pie shop?!

321
00:12:33.140 --> 00:12:34.940
We've got it wrong over here!

322
00:12:35.140 --> 00:12:36.820
Yorkshire — Australia!

323
00:12:36.940 --> 00:12:39.040
Australia, we take it all back!
You've got a lot to teach us.

324
00:12:39.160 --> 00:12:40.200
You've got a lot... yeah!

325
00:12:40.200 --> 00:12:42.780
We want your knowledge
of gigantic drive-through pie shops!

326
00:12:42.860 --> 00:12:43.900
— I've had a...
— In fact:

327
00:12:46.920 --> 00:12:49.320
I've had a drive-through hot beef sandwich.
That's the worst one I've...

328
00:12:49.460 --> 00:12:51.140
You drove through a hot beef sandwich.

329
00:12:51.240 --> 00:12:53.140
That's a euphemism.
I don't know what it's for, but it's a euphemism.

330
00:12:53.140 --> 00:12:55.120
No, there's a cafe! It used to be like a, I don't know...

331
00:12:55.120 --> 00:12:58.840
A popular chain of takeaway restaurants,
but it was taken over by a local cafe company,

332
00:12:58.840 --> 00:13:01.800
and they just started flogging
hot beef sandwiches out of the window.

333
00:13:01.800 --> 00:13:04.400
You try eating a hot beef sandwich in a car!

334
00:13:04.560 --> 00:13:06.080
No! It'll drip everywhere.

335
00:13:06.260 --> 00:13:08.920
Exactly! Hot gravy down both your arms before a meeting!

336
00:13:09.080 --> 00:13:11.720
Louisiana has drive-through daiquiri stalls.

337
00:13:11.900 --> 00:13:13.860
— Like, alcoholic...
— What?!

338
00:13:14.020 --> 00:13:16.640
Because it's legal to have the alcohol in your car,

339
00:13:16.640 --> 00:13:18.720
it's not legal to drink it because it's an open container.

340
00:13:18.720 --> 00:13:22.680
So they give you the, like, two pints of daiquiri,

341
00:13:22.680 --> 00:13:24.180
and a straw...

342
00:13:24.280 --> 00:13:25.660
Which they haven't pushed through the...

343
00:13:25.800 --> 00:13:27.620
And then they sellotape over the little straw hole.
So you can't put it in.

344
00:13:27.740 --> 00:13:29.160
Arseholes!

345
00:13:29.300 --> 00:13:31.500
— Impossible. Cannot defeat this.
— Absolutely impossible. Yup.

346
00:13:32.020 --> 00:13:34.620
I was driving in America a couple of weeks ago,

347
00:13:35.200 --> 00:13:38.660
and filled up at the petrol station, and the entire,
you know — there are two queues.

348
00:13:38.760 --> 00:13:41.580
— Yeah.
— And the rope, the dividing line between the queues,

349
00:13:41.580 --> 00:13:45.920
Not a rope barrier.
Crates and crates and crates of beer.

350
00:13:46.140 --> 00:13:48.140
Australia has drive-through liquor stores as well.

351
00:13:48.680 --> 00:13:51.880
Like, it's basically just a big shed,

352
00:13:51.880 --> 00:13:54.680
filled on the interior with beer on all the walls...

353
00:13:54.880 --> 00:13:55.760
Whoa, whoa...

354
00:13:55.760 --> 00:13:57.120
And then you drive in, you ask for what you want,

355
00:13:57.120 --> 00:13:59.060
they load it in the back of your car,
you pay, then you drive off.

356
00:13:59.700 --> 00:14:02.120
This is why we're not allowed nice things, isn't it.

357
00:14:02.900 --> 00:14:06.400
We'd just abuse that in the way that
they obviously somehow manage not to.

358
00:14:06.540 --> 00:14:08.360
Well, we already abuse the non-drive-through.

359
00:14:08.440 --> 00:14:09.100
[Laughter]
Yeah.

360
00:14:09.220 --> 00:14:12.800
I know that in Australia there was some race,
like car racing thing,

361
00:14:12.800 --> 00:14:17.080
and they had to restrict it to just one slab,
as they call it, of beer.

362
00:14:17.200 --> 00:14:19.200
Yes, it's, er... it's the...

363
00:14:19.200 --> 00:14:20.940
It's the 24 hours, what's the track called?

364
00:14:20.940 --> 00:14:23.160
Yeah, it's the Supercar 24-hour —
Bathurst.

365
00:14:23.280 --> 00:14:25.040
— Bathurst. Right, yeah.
— Bathurst 24 Hours.

366
00:14:25.220 --> 00:14:27.460
So you're allowed 24 hours, 24 beers.

367
00:14:27.700 --> 00:14:29.700
— ...is the rule.
— Yeah, but there was an outcry...

368
00:14:29.700 --> 00:14:31.280
But there was an outcry, because they restricted it to...

369
00:14:31.280 --> 00:14:33.620
That's 24 beers *per person*.

370
00:14:33.780 --> 00:14:35.220
Yeah. One an hour, per person.

371
00:14:35.320 --> 00:14:38.680
But they said, there was an outcry at "just 24".

372
00:14:40.980 --> 00:14:44.180
But actually, in all fairness,
I go about one tin per half hour, so...

373
00:14:44.180 --> 00:14:45.640
Well, I don't know if I could do that
for 24 hours, though, seriously...

374
00:14:45.760 --> 00:14:47.220
I was going to say, by the end of the twenty-fourth one,

375
00:14:47.380 --> 00:14:48.940
— ...you ain't gonna be asking for more.
— While driving.

376
00:14:49.060 --> 00:14:50.600
Oh yeah, while driving.
[Laughter]

377
00:14:50.760 --> 00:14:52.300
Yeah, that was the driver.

378
00:14:52.920 --> 00:14:54.920
"Come on, mate! Safety first!"

379
00:14:55.800 --> 00:14:57.320
Pit crew, possibly.

380
00:14:58.920 --> 00:15:02.020
[Air gun whirring]
"Oh, s***, you want some more tyres? Oh, God."

381
00:15:02.360 --> 00:15:03.940
"Eh, he'll be fine.'

382
00:15:04.280 --> 00:00:42.620
"Inches of tread left, mate. F*** off."

448
00:00:42.620 --> 00:00:43.920
[Laughter]
[Groans]

384
00:15:07.300 --> 00:15:09.140
"Rack off!" ...he cried.

385
00:15:10.260 --> 00:15:12.260
We're going to be never allowed to go there, are we.

386
00:15:12.280 --> 00:15:14.280
That's my visa application f***ed.

387
00:15:14.420 --> 00:15:16.420
Erm... so, talking about the gigantic lob...

388
00:15:16.420 --> 00:04:38.800
Are we still talking about gigantic things in Australia?

389
00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:38.800
— Yes.
— Cricket ball.

390
00:15:19.880 --> 00:15:20.860
— Ohh.
— Cricket ball...

391
00:15:21.020 --> 00:15:22.720
— Or bat.
— Or stumps.
— Yeah.

392
00:15:22.940 --> 00:15:25.580
I'm going to give you the Big Wickets
[DING]  in Westbury.

393
00:15:25.840 --> 00:15:26.500
— Natch.
— Mmm.

394
00:15:26.660 --> 00:15:28.280
"Located at the front of the local cricket pitch."

395
00:15:28.380 --> 00:15:29.540
I don't want you to give me the Big Wickets.

396
00:15:29.860 --> 00:15:31.860
Somewhere out there, thanks to a nuclear accident,

397
00:15:31.860 --> 00:15:35.220
is going to be a gigantic Fred Trueman
bowling at those in Godzilla stylee.

398
00:15:35.340 --> 00:15:37.240
Yes! Good Lord, that'd be brilliant.

399
00:15:37.380 --> 00:15:38.920
But we'd have to invade and bring him back.

400
00:15:39.240 --> 00:15:41.240
— Yeah!  [Laughter]
— Repatriate Giant Trueman!

401
00:15:41.540 --> 00:15:43.720
King Kong with Giant Fred Trueman:

402
00:15:43.720 --> 00:15:45.140
[Roars]

403
00:15:45.260 --> 00:15:46.620
— Pipe.
— Thwack!

404
00:15:48.480 --> 00:15:50.480
Climbing the Media Centre at Lord's,

405
00:15:50.480 --> 00:15:53.280
holding onto Jonathan Agnew like Fay Wray.

406
00:15:56.740 --> 00:15:57.860
[Whoosh!]

407
00:15:58.020 --> 00:16:01.260
That is a man who does not follow cricket.

408
00:16:01.500 --> 00:16:03.160
— Big things in Australia that aren't...
— Kangaroo.

409
00:16:03.340 --> 00:16:04.500
I said that.

410
00:16:05.240 --> 00:16:07.100
— Did you?
— Yeah.  [DING]  Right near the start.

411
00:16:07.280 --> 00:16:08.560
— Point.
— You ignored it.

412
00:16:08.680 --> 00:16:09.680
Ohh.
[Laughter]

413
00:16:09.880 --> 00:16:13.140
The, erm... big huggy thing that smells of piss
and has an STD.

414
00:16:13.320 --> 00:16:14.460
— Koala.
— Thank you.

415
00:16:16.200 --> 00:16:18.200
Er, point...  [DING]

416
00:16:19.600 --> 00:16:23.060
In fact, two points, because there is the Big Koala,
and the Giant Koala.

417
00:16:23.220 --> 00:16:24.520
All: Ohhh.

418
00:16:24.640 --> 00:16:26.520
The difference in size being...?

419
00:16:26.680 --> 00:16:28.440
— Er, not much.
— Ah.

420
00:16:28.600 --> 00:16:29.620
Kookaburra.

421
00:16:29.720 --> 00:16:30.900
Ooh, yeah, good one.

422
00:16:31.080 --> 00:16:31.960
[DING]  Yep.

423
00:16:32.080 --> 00:16:33.940
Because they're pretty big anyway.

424
00:16:34.100 --> 00:16:36.620
Yeah. Four and a half metres, the big one, but yeah.

425
00:16:36.900 --> 00:16:38.300
They're actually hummingbirds.

426
00:16:38.440 --> 00:16:39.240
— Really?
— Really?

427
00:16:39.380 --> 00:16:41.740
— No, they're kingfishers.
— Sorry, I meant kingfishers.

428
00:16:42.100 --> 00:16:44.720
Hummingbird-sized kookaburra!

429
00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:47.660
— I like the idea of a...
— ...kookaburra-sized hummingbird!

430
00:16:47.880 --> 00:16:49.660
Just sounds like a Huey coming through.

431
00:16:49.800 --> 00:16:52.160
Whoomp-whoomp-whoomp-whoomp!
"F***!"

432
00:16:52.660 --> 00:16:55.700
— There's a Viet Nam vet, just going back to the...
— "Aaa! Aaah!"

433
00:16:55.860 --> 00:16:58.040
— "I like the smell of kingfishers..."
— Kookaburras...

434
00:16:58.040 --> 00:16:59.480
— "...kookaburras in the morning."

435
00:16:59.640 --> 00:17:01.980
The thought of the giant kookaburra model again:

436
00:17:01.980 --> 00:17:06.620
giant fibreglass, light-up eyes...
over a township, *squawking* on the hour.

437
00:17:06.820 --> 00:17:08.380
— Ohh, yeah!
— [Screech]

438
00:17:08.580 --> 00:17:11.640
Oh yeah, because they've got
a real horrible grating call as well, haven't they?

439
00:17:11.780 --> 00:17:14.200
Yeah, they have, yeah.
Well, it sounds like "kookaburra", doesn't it.

440
00:17:14.340 --> 00:17:15.180
Oh, of course, yeah.

441
00:17:15.340 --> 00:17:18.860
Well, it's the sound they use for the monkey
in every jungle movie filmed before 1980.

442
00:17:18.860 --> 00:17:20.240
— That kind of laughing monkey sound.
— [Monkey call]

443
00:17:21.600 --> 00:17:22.940
In a monkey costume.

444
00:17:25.540 --> 00:17:28.820
Not even in shot.
They just try and get it to feel the role, you know...

445
00:17:29.060 --> 00:17:31.060
Flip the head back, light a fag between takes...

446
00:17:31.900 --> 00:17:34.280
"I went to bloody RADA, luv, I don't know why I do this."

447
00:17:34.380 --> 00:00:42.620
— [Kookaburra squawk]
— The monkey obviously had better unions.

448
00:00:42.620 --> 00:00:43.920
[Laughter]
[Groans]

449
00:17:38.180 --> 00:17:40.300
The Monkey Film Union!

450
00:17:40.880 --> 00:17:44.600
That's why they don't work these days.
The kookaburras do all the monkey work.

451
00:17:47.000 --> 00:17:49.600
On that note, congratulations to Chris,

452
00:17:49.600 --> 00:17:52.220
stealing it at the last moment
with an enormous number of big things.

453
00:17:52.300 --> 00:17:53.340
Love it!

454
00:17:55.100 --> 00:17:56.460
You know it.

455
00:17:56.620 --> 00:17:58.920
So congratulations, you win a DVD of the film

456
00:17:58.920 --> 00:18:03.340
where the singer of "Purple Rain" trades places
with a peasant who looks just like him.

457
00:18:04.460 --> 00:18:06.460
It's The Artist Formerly Known As Prince
and the Pauper.

458
00:18:09.640 --> 00:18:12.540
Until next time, that's been Matt Gray...

459
00:18:12.540 --> 00:18:13.980
That's been Gary Brannan,

460
00:18:13.980 --> 00:18:15.500
That's been Chris Joel...

461
00:18:15.500 --> 00:18:17.220
I've been Tom Scott. We'll see you next time.

462
00:18:21.000 --> 00:18:25.000
[Translating these subtitles? Add your own credit here!]

463
00:18:25.000 --> 00:18:28.000
[1. PeriodicGamer [Trevor]]
[2. Peter Ambos]
[3. DieselWeasel]