WEBVTT
Kind: captions
Language: en

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Well hello there, I'm Tom Scott

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as Herb mentioned

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I'm from the University of York

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although believe me

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today I am most definitely

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not representing them.

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In the next eight minutes

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just like Hans Rosling

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I have some graphs for you.

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To start off with, this is Twitter:

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this is the times per day you post to Twitter

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versus the amount I could give.

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As you can see

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as soon as you pass one tweet a day

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I couldn't give a rat's ass

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(LAUGHTER)

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and once you pass two a day

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I couldn't give a monkey's.

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The pink line there, the little dotted pink line,

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that's an exception.

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That's if I'm trying to get into your pants.

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(LAUGHTER)

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This is the percentage of people

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that understand the difference between

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bar charts and line charts.

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It's kind of ironic

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'cos that should really be a pie graph.

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(LAUGHTER)

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This is the number of audiences

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I've shown this chart to

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That's the number of audiences

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who've laughed at it.

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(SLIGHT LAUGHTER)

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Hmm...

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(LAUGHTER)

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That's close enough.

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This is a pantomime.

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This is the time I intend to go to bed

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versus the time I actually go to bed.

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The blue line is normal

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The red line is if I have an internet connection.

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(LAUGHTER)

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This is how awesome Hans Zimmer theme tunes are.

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Hans Zimmer is a very very famous film composer

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He's been composing for years and years

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First of all: Pirates of the Caribbean.

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(THEME FROM 'PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN')

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Now, not only is that a fantastic bit of music

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it's now become shorthand for pirates

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You play that music

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and everyone knows what you're taking about.

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That's quite awesome.

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Number two: Gladiator.

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(THEME FROM 'GLADIATOR')

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Now, not only does that bring a tear

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to the eye of grown men

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and the end of the movie

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That whole score redefined film music

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ever since that came out.

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That's even more awesome.

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The last Hans Zimmer theme tune.

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(THEME FROM 'GOING FOR GOLD')

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(LAUGHTER)

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And you think I'm joking

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you think I've just put that in for a laugh

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but there it is!

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Music by Hans Zimmer.

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Believe it or not.

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Can you imagine what would have happened

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if Hans Zimmer had been in a different mood

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when he'd composed the theme music

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for "Going for Gold"?

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(THEME FROM 'GLADIATOR')

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The whole show

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takes on this epic-battle-between-nations feel

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(LAUGHTER)

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and then suddenly

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Henry Kelly walks on.

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That's brilliant, but

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that's not quite as awesome as if

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Hans Zimmer had been in a different mood

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when he composed the theme music

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for "Gladiator"?

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(THEME FROM 'GOING FOR GOLD')

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♫ 'Cos people are coming

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♫ Everyone's trying

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♫ Trying to be the best that they can

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(LAUGHTER)

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♫ We're all going for, going for gold

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(ANNOUNCER) "Now, let's welcome your host, Henry Kelly!"

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I think we can all agree

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that that's significantly more awesome

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than either of those.

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This is how much the DJ talks

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versus how much I want them to die.

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The red line is me

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the blue line is Morrissey.

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(LAUGHTER)

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Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

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(INAUDIBLE FROM AUDIENCE)

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Yes - b'doom, tssh. Exactly right.

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You see, you'd think that,

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but we actually went and tested it.

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(LAUGHTER)

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"Ready?"

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That's Matt, a friend of mine.

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"Ready!"

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"What's black and white

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"and red all over?

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"A badger in a blender."

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Wait for it.

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(B'DOOM - TSSH!)

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Yes!

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(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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This is how long I spend on an idea

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versus the chance of it succeeding.

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Not that I'm bitter.

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(LAUGHTER)

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I spent hours and hours putting together

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a really complicated video about

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Apple inventing a heads-up display:

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nothing.

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I spent one, two hours

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putting together a web site

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that recovers deleted Twitter messages

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from anyone's account:

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goes everywhere.

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Fantastic.

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Gapminder!

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Hans Rosling's Gapminder is an amazing thing

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You can chart so many things on it

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What I've done here,

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as you all know what's happening tomorrow,

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this is the Eurovision Song Contest.

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(LAUGHTER)

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As you can see, what we have here,

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is 1957, the date's at the bottom left.

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Those red countries, they're the Western countries,

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they're the traditional Eurovision countries

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and as time goes on

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on the X-axis we've got the number of entries

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the Y-axis is the five-year rolling average

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of their score.

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Took me hours to put this together. Right.

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1994. Look at that!

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See those on the left, the blue and the greens?

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They're all the old Balkan states

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and the Soviet states have all broken apart

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and they've come into Eurovision in 1994.

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But look - on the right, all the red countries

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they're still all over the place.

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There's still no pattern there other than

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they've been there longer.

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But watch - the late nineties -

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to the early 2000s -

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televoting appears.

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Televoting appears in Eurovision

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and watch those red dots on the right!

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Down they go!

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(LAUGHTER)

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Not only do we have block voting,

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there's the United Kingdom, 2007,

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look back here,

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if I can grab that little thing there,

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look at this, in the 1980s we're right up the top,

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that's Katrina and the Waves happening there,

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the only one higher than us

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(LAUGHTER)

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is Ireland,

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just about here, there they are,

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at that point the Irish broadcaster

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was pretty much bankrupt, but watch this,

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down we go

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(LAUGHTER)

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Televoting came in - and I can't think of

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anything we could have done around 2002

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that could have affected our standing

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on the world stage as much as that.

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What else could possibly have that effect(?)

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This is people who are red-green colourblind.

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(LAUGHTER)

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As we can see from this graph,

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everyone who is red-green colourblind

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is a normal, productive member of society(!)

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This is how long I've got left until I'm unemployed

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It's not a joke, I just thought I'd mention it

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(LAUGHTER)

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This is Connolly's law

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As time goes on

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If you leave a man alone in a room

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with a tea cosy

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(LAUGHTER)

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the probability that he will wear it on his head

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approaches 1.

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I have some evidence of this -

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This is Richard, this is a friend of mine

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I left him in a room

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with a tea cosy and a hidden camera

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(LAUGHTER)

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As you can see, at one minute

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he has noticed the tea cozy

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but at five minutes

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he's still staring ahead

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he's not going for it

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then all of a sudden, seven minutes,

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BAM! There it is!

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(CHEERING)

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(APPLAUSE)

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And by eight minutes

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he is raising the roof

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(LAUGHTER)

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and performing papal blessings.

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It's amazing.

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This, er --

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(Sorry, what's that?)

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(LAUGHTER)

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This is the last one, the final one,

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on the x-axis is the amount of effort

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on the y-axis is the amount of awesome

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if it's in the red zone, you do it

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if it's in the blue zone, you don't do it

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That's not a joke,

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it's just a way to live your life.

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Thank you very much,

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I've been Tom Scott,

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good night!

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(APPLAUSE)